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SEASON 1

Daria · Season 1

Daria Season 1 quotes

137 quotes · page 4 of 10

Daria
All S1

S1 E15Unfinished Business

Have you seen this pamphlet? [hands Daria a pamphlet]

"Is Your Teenager Using Drugs? Ten Warning Signs." Yes...yes...no...maybe...sometimes...hmm, about three times a week...and not if she can possibly avoid it. In my opinion, Quinn's clean.

What?

Although you might want to check her pupils.

[laughs nervously] I, uh, was thinking more about you, Daria.

Oh, then you're not supposed to let me read this. You're supposed to sneak around, spying on me and looking through my sock drawer. [doorbell rings, Daria leaves]

Oh. Kiddo, which one is your sock drawer?

I can show you, Daddy.

Jake, have you seen her face? What did the doctor say?

No one's been in to see her yet, but Dr. Davidson doesn't think it's drugs.

No one's been in to see her, and you're going out for sodas?! Jake, can't you take charge of a situation for one damn minute?

But I...

Hi, Daria.

Hi, Quinn.

If you had any sense you'd realize that these big hospitals let patients slip through the cracks all the time. You have to keep after them every second.

You know, this is exactly the kind of constant bickering that could make an otherwise happy young person turn to drugs.

I want a doctor in here now! Oh, why do I bother? [leaves] Nurse... nurse... nurse!

You said I could have a root beer.

You will marry a man while still in your prime. Then, after putting him through school and spending 20 long-suffering years begging him to turn off those damn Broncos and get a real job, he'll walk out of your life, leaving a trail of muddy footprints behind on the freshly cleaned carpet. But you'll be better off without him. Much better off.

[girl runs away, sobbing]

Much, much better off.

And she's the living proof.

Should we get our fortunes read?

I'll pass. Knowing the present is bad enough.

Then how about a Ferris wheel ride?

Do I look desperate to you?

[Sam and Chris Griffin and Upchuck come running at them]

SCSam and Chris

Crusades! Crusades!

Ladies...wait till you hear "The Ballad of the Misunderstood Minstrel."

Do I look desperate to you now?

Yep.

Let's go.

[Daria and Jane are on the ferris wheel with Stacy crying]

[sobs] But why? Is it something I said? Something I wore? Oh, I wish I were dead.

Look, don't flush your entire world down the drain just because some jerk didn't ask you out on a second date. It probably had nothing to do with you anyway.

Unless you did something really stupid, like bore him with your petty problems and convoluted logic.

Why would I do that?

MMs. Morris

Miss Lane, what are you doing here?

Trying out for track team.

MMs. Morris

You won't participate in regular gym class, but you want to join an extracurricular sport?

I like to run.

MMs. Morris

Okay. Let's see if you're any good at it. [leaves]

I'd particularly like to run up and down your spine wearing track spikes.

EEvan

She isn't your favorite teacher?

We have a score to settle.

EEvan

I'm Evan, by the way.

Jane.

EEvan

So, you think you're ready for track?

Yeah. I figure if the people suck I can always wear headphones.

EEvan

I'm way ahead of you.

Until we get out there.

Tell me that at least I have my integrity.

Integrity is a funny word.

Well, then, at least tell me I'm marginally less corrupt than the jocks.

You refused to participate in a crooked system where good grades are exchanged for athletic performance. But you didn't try to reform the system, either.

For fear of complete teenage exile.

Right. So the system continues, you haven't redeemed yourself, and we're ostracized anyway.

Come on, now, stop trying to paint a rosy picture.

You know what?

What?

They really are preparing us for the real world.

I'm not pierced anymore. It closed up.

You didn't take the ring out?

Just for the night. I couldn't stand the itching.

I've heard of fast healers but this is ridiculous.

Gee, maybe E.T. came in my room and touched my navel while I slept.

Boy, Daria, you have the weirdest sex dreams.

Don't tell Trent.

About E.T.?

[Daria comes in]

[angrily] We want to see your belly button, young lady, and we want to see it now!

What are you talking about?

Out with it!

[shows her navel] Do you have a problem with innies?

Quinn, what's the matter with you?

Your sister's not pierced. Why would you scare us like that?

But... but it was there yesterday!

Trying to brighten your ho-hum life with a little illusion? [yawns] Boy, I'm tired. Night, everybody. [heads upstairs]

She was pierced... pierced, I tell you! Oh, the humanity...

Shouldn't we comfort her or something?

[laughs] Oh, let her go.

She'll get over it.

We should at least tell her about that eight-lane highway they built outside the house during the night.

Hmm... you may be right.

[cars collide outside]

That can't be good.

[more cars collide]

Ow! God!

FDFuture Daria

Mom... you know I'm not ready for kids. The whole idea makes me uneasy and I'm not sure why.

[Future Quinn enters with her kids]

FQFuture Quinn's Daughter

Give me that!

FQFuture Quinn's Son

No, it's mine!

FQFuture Quinn's Daughter

Mommy!

FDFuture Daria

Oh, yeah. Now I remember.

FQFuture Quinn

Hi. [to her kids] You know where Grandma's TV is. Go watch something educational. [kids scamper into living room] Boy, I'm exhausted.

SASSW Announcer

Breast implants for chickens-

FQFuture Quinn and Daria

Not that!

[answering the phone] Hello? No, Daria's not here. You want the Morgendorffers.

Gah! Aah! I am the Morgendorffers!

[takes the phone from Jake] Calm down, Jake! Hello? Trent? You haven't seen the girls?...Are your parents there?...Are they in town at all?...Have you done anything to prepare for this hurricane?...Yes, hurricane! Trent, I want you to come over and wait for the girls here. You'll be safer...Then put some on! And get over here now, young man! [hangs up] Doesn't anybody in this town wear pants anymore?

My parents are probably starting to worry.

I know mine would be, if they were in town.

What about Trent? I'll bet he's upset.

I'll bet he's snoring.

[Amy's phone rings and she picks it up; split-screen between her and Daria]

Hello?

Aunt Amy?

Hey, my favorite niece.

Oh!

Who is this?

Um, it's...

I'm joking, Daria. How are you? Your mother hasn't had a stroke, has she?

Well, I haven't checked her in the last half hour. How was Hawaii?

Wish I were still there. What can I do for you?

Um, I wanted to ask your advice about something. I'm thinking of getting contact lenses.

Uh-huh. Sounds good.

It does?

Why not?

Well, isn't it kind of... vain?

Do you have mirrors in your house, Daria?

Yeah.

Do you look in them before you go out?

Yeah.

Well then, you're already going to hell, so you might as well get the lenses. You'll see the brimstone better.

What do you mean?

I mean, having contacts is no more vain than primping in the mirror. It just gives you different options about the way you look. It wouldn't change your personality, it wouldn't change your values, and it would set your parents back a couple hundred bucks. So, I don't see any downside at all.

Thanks, Aunt Amy.

I'd love to see how it turns out. Send me a picture, okay?

You want a picture of me with my contacts?

Either that or a shot of Ralph Fiennes. Whichever.

So now what, eagle eye?

Well, I can't wear my contacts until I see the doctor again, that's for sure. And if I bang into anyone else at school I'll be arrested for assault. So I guess it's back to the glasses tomorrow.

Or we go downtown and apply for a seeing eye dog.

I tell you the truth, this whole thing's got me very confused. I want my glasses back.

Are you still hung up on that vanity thing?

That's not it. Everyone already knows I'm vain.

Oh, yeah, you're one huge narcissist. So if not that, then what?

This is kind of hard to explain. It's like, I know my glasses set me apart. When I look in the mirror without them I can't see a thing. But when I put them on and look in the mirror again, I think...

Yeah?

I think to myself, 'Never mind glasses. You can see things that other people can't. You can see better than other people. So to hell with them and what they think of you and your glasses.'

You're not talking about eyesight anymore, are you?

No.

And you like that Daria better than the Daria who cares about her looks.

Um, yeah.

I don't blame you. Why settle for vanity when you can have pure egotism? You're a twisted little cruller, ain't you?

Yeah.

That's why I'm proud to be your friend.

"As his fingers trailed sensuously down the nape of her neck to her... bow-dice... she tingled uncontrollably with the knowledge that tonight Jean Perrier would taste the fruit of the garden from which no man had ere picked produce before." Oh!

W1Woman #1

What a pretty voice she has. Do you think?

W2Woman #2

Oh, yes. She sounds just like Frances did when she was younger.

W3Woman #3

I always did have a lovely voice.

Thanks!

W2Woman #2

And I looked just like you, dearie.

Eep!

Pow! Blam! Kablooey! Cool, this guy just swallowed his own teeth.

MMan

Happened to me last Friday. Only they weren't my teeth, if you get my drift.

Yeah. No.

NNurse

Daria, you'll be reading to Mrs. Patterson. I think you two will really hit it off.

PMrs. Patterson

What a pretty girl...

[upbeat] Oh.

PMrs. Patterson

... that Brittany is.

[dejected] Oh.

PMrs. Patterson

Are you two friends? No, I don't suppose you would be. Never mind. Let's hear what you brought to read.

I hope you like poetry.

PMrs. Patterson

Oh, yes. My favorite birthday cards are the ones with poems in them.

"I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness. Starving, hysterical, naked. Dragging themselves through the negro streets of dawn..." [time passes] "... the soul is innocent and immortal. It should never die ungodly, in an armed madhouse--"

[Mrs. Patterson presses call button]

NNurse

Mrs. Patterson, can I get you something?

PMrs. Patterson

Get me my walker. And then hit her with it!

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