Larry David quotes from Curb Your Enthusiasm

Richard

You better call me later on, by sundown.

Larry

"By sundown"? What are you, Gary Cooper?

Larry

It's always great to see a black entrepreneur, isn't it?

What?

What did he just say? What is that supposed to mean?

Larry

I'd like to return this, please.

What seems to be the problem?

Larry

You know, it's kinda of half-jacket, half-shirt; half-man, half-beast.

Should you be going to the party with your back or, er, can you bend over? Can you bend with your back?

Larry

Yeah.

Well then maybe you should just bend over and kiss my ass and maybe next time you'll remember to pick up my fucking golf ball.

Richard

I can't believe you won't help out a blind man.

Larry

I can't believe you said "blind man" in front of a blind man!

"The bald guy with the glasses." That's you?

Larry

Unfortunately, that's me.

Hey, it's a good look.

Larry

You try to do something nice, see what happens?

Jeff

You get screwed.

Larry

You do one nice thing in your life. I assume it's the first nice thing you've ever done in your life.

Jeff

You're so complimentary.

Larry

It would put you one up on me, if that's the case. Although, I did, once, try and stop a woman who was about to get hit by a car. I screamed out "Watch out!" and she said "Don't you tell me what to do!"

Jeff

And that's all it took to for you to stop helping people?

Larry

I got out of the "nice" business at that point.

Larry

And who knows, you know what? Maybe I'll be able to need a lawyer someday.

Cheryl

Anything could happen.

Larry

A lot of people sue me.

Larry

What's the guy, 40 years old? He's got to meet Julia Louis-Dreyfus! What kind of person is that?!

Cheryl

He's a fan.

Larry

What does he expect to gain from such a meeting? What does he think? He's gonna go over there, she's gonna be so charmed by him that all of a sudden they'll start becoming friends? They'll talk on the phone and go out to dinner together, go to the movies? What, start e-mailing each other? Summer vacations? Is he out of his fucking mind?!

Tell me about Jerry Seinfeld and tell me about...he dates those young girls-

Larry

Well, um, he's a eunuch. Yes. His testicles were cut off when he was about 13 because he was in the Beth Shalom choir. And, um, that's what he wanted to be, he was a choirboy.

Julia, is that true? Does he really have no testicles?

You know, I've got to tell you, I don't have any fucking idea.

Cheryl

I guess Julia will have to come back over. You'll just have to arrange another meeting.

Larry

Are you out of your mind now?

[referring to Larry's movie "Sour Grapes"] I enjoyed it. It was interesting. It was such a perfect length.

Larry

That's my specialty, length.

Well, I thought it was a good length

Larry

The width, what about the width? There's some good width in that movie.

Got any spare change?

Jeff

Nah, I got nothing, man.

Larry

[hands him some leftovers] Want this?

What is it?

Larry

It's tuna.

I don't like tuna.

Cheryl

[referring to the caterer who stole their food] You know, this is very unprofessional if you ask me.

Larry

It's completely unprofessional. And I know because my whole career's been based on being unprofessional.

[regarding the leftovers] Uhm, I'm really not sure that everything survived the trip here, so..

Larry

"Survived the trip here"? Where did you come from? The Sudan?