Steve Taylor quotes from Coupling

Steve

I think you may have been had, mate.

Jeff

And a lot more often than you realize.

Jeff

So, how was it?

Steve

It was a bottom... I hadn't seen it before... I wasn't bored.

Steve

What are they [cushions] for?

You sit on them.

Steve

Aha! I see that's where you're wrong! Nobody sits on them. Ok, watch this! Here's the cushion. I'm putting it on the sofa. Now, watch me! I'm sitting down, and what do I do on my final approach? I... [he moves the cushion from the seat] oop! Move the cushion! You see? It's not involved! It's not part of the whole sitting process! It just lies there, it's fat litter! It's a sofa parasite!

Jane

It's... you know, padding.

Steve

Oh, padding! Oh now that's interesting. See, I like padding. You know, if I was, say, an American football player with all those big bastards running at me, I would say, you know, "Give me some of that padding and be quick about it!" You know, if my job involved bouncing down jagged rocks, I would say, "In view of those jagged rocks down there, I'll have some of that padding, thank you very much!" But Susan, Sally, Jane, this... is a sofa. It is designed by clever scientists in such a way so is to shield the unprotected user from the way of skin abrasions, serious head trauma, and of course - [he collapses behind the sofa and reemerges] - Daleks! You lot, trust me girls, trust me on this one, you do not need padding to tackle upholstery! So please, once and for all, tell me, why on Earth you would want me to sit on one of THESE!

Susan

Because, if you pressed it firmly against your bottom it might stop you talking!

Steve

Should you kiss her now or does that mean you gotta start from the top again?

Jeff

Should you be making noises yet? Is it too soon to grunt?

Steve

[Snaps fingers] And then, the killer - out of nowhere, for no reason you can think of, you call her [huskily] "baby."

Jeff

You never called her "baby" before.

Steve

You've never called anyone "baby" before.

Jeff

So why did you just call her "baby"? Suddenly you're starting to blush.

Steve

Now, you're blushing and you've got an erection. No-one's got enough blood!

Jeff

[Scotty voice] The engines, Cap'n! They cannae take it!

Steve

Then the Melty Man hits you with his secret weapon.

Jeff

Just one single thought is placed in your mind at this crucial time.

Steve

"Please God! Don't let me lose my erection!"

Jeff

[Hand goes down] Pufff.

Patrick

[With terror and disbelief] How do you guys manage to have sex?

Steve

["Duh!" voice] We don't.

Jeff

I haven't had sex in years.

Steve

It's just not possible anymore.

Jeff

We are followers of the Melty Man.

Steve

And you're one of us now.

Patrick

[Learning about the Melty Man] So who is he?

Steve

The arch enemy of trouser confidence.

Jeff

Professor Moriarty in groin form.

Steve

Darth Vader...

Jeff

...without the helmet.

Jane

I don't like to label everything in my medicine cabinet. You'd never have any surprises.

Steve

This week's top tip from Children's Hour.

Jeff

[As Steve is on the phone] What's wrong?

Steve

It's Jane. She's stuck naked in someone else's flat!

Jeff

Naked?

Steve

Completely! She's only got her coat!

Jeff

Can I speak to her? [He takes the phone] Hi Jane, it's Jeff.

Jane

[Bewildered] Hi, Jeff...

Jeff

[Grins, pauses, then hands the phone back to Steve] Thanks. [He walks off]

Jane

Jeff?

Steve

Um, he's just gone to the loo... might be some time.

Steve

You think that if you kiss a woman, your mother will emasculate you with a miniature guillotine?

Jeff

I know. Mothers, eh? Did you ever find your mother would always appear at your bedroom door at the worst possible time and say 'Oh Jeffery'?

Steve

Well... not being called Jeffery.

Jeff

'Oh Jeffery', always so disappointed.

Jeff

I am a prison for sperms. Those poor little tadpoles have been sentenced to life in Jeff Murdock's groin. And let me tell you, that can be a pretty lonely place.

Steve

I'm sure you always... lend a hand.

Jeff

Well, yeah, there's that. But that's not what the boys are wanting, is it? See, they want to think they're going somewhere when they go. I keep thinking about my brave lads all excited on the launch pad, and then suddenly it's "Ohh, no! Daylight!"

Jeff

You know what having a girlfriend is like? Having a girlfriend is like legalised sex.

Steve

Jeff, sex is legal. It always has been legal.

Jeff

You know what I mean, when I have sex with Julia, it's just so... realistic.

Patrick

Julia's pants... are they really tiny?

Jeff

You could accidentally swallow three whole pairs in one go!

Patrick

Jeff?

Jeff

Yeah?

Patrick

They spread.

Jeff

What?

Patrick

Pants. They spread, and grow.

Steve

Experts can determine the age of a relationship from pants spreadage alone.

Patrick

You start off with that sexy little thong...

Steve

And one day you're looking at the makings of a decent sized trampoline.

Jeff

[Scared]] It's not gonna be like that with me and Julia.

Steve

Jeff, Jeff. Before you know it, you'll be sitting on the sofa with Julia, she'll be wearing pants large enough to cover Switzerland, and you'll discover that you're unable to make the slightest movement without her asking, [high-pitched] "Where are you going?" Every time! "Where are you going?" She won't even know she's saying it! It's- it's like you've set off a motion sensor. And then, you'll notice that your house is covered in shoes. [Gets up and picks up a shoe] Shoes! Shoes everywhere! Why do they have so many shoes? Do they have extra feet we don't know about? Do they sprout rows of additional feet while we're asleep and gallop around the streets at night shouting [screeching] "WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"

Steve

Uh... S-sorry. Dr-drifted a bit there.

Jeff

What's wrong?

Steve

Susan's slept with Australia!

Steve

It is not scientifically possible for a man to know what a woman wants. And that's not fair! Because you always know what we want.

Patrick

Yeah, because we always have the decency to only want one thing.

Steve

And do you ever thank us for making it so simple?

Patrick

Never.

Patrick

[On the phone to Jeff] We have our advisors online.

Steve

[Pointing at Susan and Sally] That's you two.

Susan

This is ridiculous! Why does he need us to translate for him? Women aren't a completely different species, you know.

Patrick

[On the phone] Jeff, women AREN'T a completely different species.

Steve

He just needs to find out if it's a friendly drink or a date drink. He'll do friendly but he won't do date.

Sally

Why doesn't he know already?

Steve

Because he is Jeff, and there's no known cure.

Susan

I'd like to think that the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with has a better reason for staying faithful than, "It might be a trick."

Steve

Well, it wasn't the only thing! It was just like the... deterrent.

Susan

The deterrent?

Steve

Well, yeah. You know, like nuclear weaponry. I mean, nobody likes it, but it can help to keep the peace.

Susan

Steve, you've just compared our relationship to the Cold War.

Steve

Which, may I remind you, really lasted.

Susan

So the nature of the bond between us is, in fact, the threat of mutually assured destruction?

Steve

Oh, among many other things.