So, you're really going to do it?
Do you think she knows you're going to dump her?
She ought to know by now. I've dumped her the last four times I've seen her.
The last time I dumped her, we had amazing, fantastic, borderline-illegal sex. Now she thinks we're back on.
I know, one swallow does not make her my girlfriend.
So, you dump her, then she does this suggesting thing?
Yeah, I'll just be about to leave, I'll be thinking that I am finally out, she just leans over and looks me in the eyes, and goes; I am wearing stockings.
She's never worn them before! Not once in the entire relationship! I begged.
But Steve, you're entitled to her stockings!
Yes, you're still in the zone!
The boyfriend zone! This is the tailing off period! You've still got a load of stuff at her flat. You might still have a wedding to go to together. You're under joint headings in your friends address books.
And that means I'm entitled to see her underwear?
If it comes up. That's the rules of the zone. Good luck in there Steve.
You're a strange and disturbing man, Jeff.
Steve, do you know what I call this kind of woman? You know, the type you "can't get rid of."
Is this gonna be really tasteless? Am I gonna be ashamed to be your friend?
It's a technical term. It's just a harmless expression...
Turn around, Jeff; walk away!
You know, because they keep bobbing around...
No, no, no, Jeff! Go! Go! ...Don't look back. Go!
Did he say what he wanted?
Maybe he's going to propose. You said you had a fantastic time last weekend. Maybe he's thinking, you know...
One swallow doesn't make a summer.
Maybe you should marry him.
It's not like that. It's very casual. It's really just sex with a fringe of conversation.
But what if he's your last ever man? What if you've used up your go's? Remember: every morning your face has slipped a little bit more. Since (age) 30, I have had to put a daily limit on facial expressions. I only ever smile at single men, so I can justify the loss of elasticity.
Is this how your mind works all the time?
The only reason I work is so I stop worrying about my hair.
And this from my beautician. Which reminds me; facial, Wednesday morning. Just don't count every time you find a wrinkle.
You've got a running total in my file. Sally, did it ever occur to you that age brings wisdom and greater confidence?
Susan, age bring you more to shave.
Mary Kelly does not fancy you!
I can tell from the way she acts around me. She finds me attractive.
Is there any form of female behavior you don't interpret as finding you attractive?
It's never really come up.
If you two are finished. I thought you wanted to speak to me.
Yeah, yeah, I do. [To Sally] Could you give us a minute? [Sally gets up to leave and then turns around]
Mary Kelly thinks you're a complete idiot.
Then why does she keep looking at my arse when we're talking?
She's lip-reading. [She leaves]
About out relationship. I'm just starting to think it's getting a bit hot and heavy. And we both need to back off and cool down. You know, maybe we should just both think about where everything's going and whether we're starting to commit more than we intend to or want to.
Well, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings! I just never saw it as a relationship as such. I just thought we were having a bit of fun, a bit of sex.
Well, yeah, I mean, that's what I thought. I mean, that's pretty much the way I see it.
Well, there you are then.
I mean, it's not as if we're being faithful or anything. Oops. I'm so sorry, I had no idea.
We were only seeing each other once a week. That's not exactly a sex life. You must have been doing a lot of solo flights.
I certainly was not! I was saving it all up for you!
No, really? Oops. [Buries face in hand and collapses back on the couch] Look, I'm not saying it wasn't good. I'm just saying it didn't seem like a week's worth. [Patrick glances over] Oh, no, don't look like that! Not everyone has my level of sex drive! I mean, for a start, you're a bloke...
All right, all right, I wasn't going to say anything, but actually, I've been seeing someone else, too.
You've been cheating on me?
But you were cheating on me!
I wasn't cheating, I wasn't being faithful. You were being faithful. And that means, you were cheating. And I thought I knew you.
This is Patrick, This is Jeff who works in my office.
Hi, right, good to meet you. [Steve runs through the establishment with Jane in hand behind him]
So, how do you know Susan then? [Sally pops up from behind]
Oh, sounds like my cue for a loo break. Excuse me a sec.
So, dumped and still here, eh? So, you're an unflushable. [Patrick coils back]
[Steve and Jane are passionately making out in a Ladies room washroom stall, Susan comes in and the stall door opens and Steve stumbles onto the ground spilling spare change]
Um, isn't this the ladies?
Sorry. Just, um, washing my hands.
Hmm-mm, and the money's for?
You get these free in the Ladies?
Yeah, um. Well, in terms of humiliating myself in front of a complete stranger, this couldn't get more embarrassing, could it?
So, how are you these days, Steve?
We met at my office party. Jeff invited you, I think. And you spent the whole evening arguing with some women about Crippen. Yeah, I was rather insulted. I seem to remember trying to chat you up at the time.
So have you seen that women recently?
No, no, hang on. Maybe we could, you know, meet up sometime.
Well, yeah. You know where I work. Jeff's got my number. Nothing to stop you from calling me.
Great. [She walks over to the stall Jane is in]
Why? What are you going to do?
That's not a level of detail most people look for. [Steve runs over and splays his arms across door]
Sorry, um, still using it. Haven't finished. I was on a break.
What, you popped out to wash your hands during your-
Yes. It's been a tricky one. [He goes into the stall and Susan leaves with Steve and Jane resuming their makeout session] Look, look. I don't think this is such a good idea anymore.
Oh, you're just getting all confused again. I'll tell you what, I'll take my clothes off. [She squats down]
No, no, no, no! That's not going to work! Whatever you might think, whatever everybody might think, it just happens I'm not completely, shaved! I mean, shallow!
[Susan walks up to Jeff at the bar]
Your friend Steve, is he alright?
Yeah, yeah, he's having a bit of trouble at the moment. He's got an unflushable.
Oh, I see. You mean, he can't-
No, no, not so much can't. He won't.
At the last minute, he gets all sentimental
[Steve and Jeff are playing a video game]
How well do you know Susan? Are you close?
Close? I've got her cycle in my organizer. Wait, are you thinking of asking her out?
I've already, kind of. Why, is that a problem? What, have you and her, you know?
Oh, yeah, well, we gave it a try, you know. But it was a long time ago. Didn't really work out, I think I made her nervous.
So, you managed to finish with Jane, then?
Oh, Steve, have you finished with Jane? Are you out of the zone? If you ask Susan out while you are still seeing Jane, that could be a problem later. So, where were you; zone-wise, with Jane, when you asked Susan out?
Well, you know, pretty much... in there.
Yeah, yeah, but where exactly? You know, like, middle, edge-
It's not as bad as it sounds! I was in the toilet cubicle with Jane, when I was nipping out to get a condom, I asked out Susan.
The zone has a new king. [Raises arms and starts bowing to Steve] But you will rule alone.
[Susan and Jeff are in the office]
That, uh, that Steve guy. How well do you know him? Are you close?
Close? We're porn buddies.
Is this code? Were you two in prison together or something?
No, no, no, it's a safety precaution. You know, like, a scuba diver dives with a buddy, in case he runs out of air.
Ok, so are you telling me a porn buddy stands by with oxygen?
[Laughs] No. Many years ago, Steve and I exchanged house keys.
Are you sure this isn't code?
It's not code. In the event of Steve's death, the first thing I will do, upset though I will be, is go straight to his house and remove all the pornography before his parents can find it.
And he's pledged to do the same for me. That's how close we are.
You guys have seriously made arrangements to destroy your dirty mags?
Who said destroy? "Remove".
Yeah, but, you wouldn't keep them, would you?
Oh, Jeff. [She turn around and walks away]
That's the beauty of it, you see. [He follows her] Your best friend's dead, but there's a bright side.
[She sits down] You're trying to put me off him, aren't you?
No way, why would I do that?
I know it was a long time ago, but, um, you and me?
Yeah, well, that didn't really work out, did it?
I'll never understand why I made you so nervous. I've never seen anyone looks so terrified.
It's all in the past, that. Please forget about it. [Phone rings and Susan answers it]
Oh, talk of the devil. Hi, Steve. [Jeff gets up looking anxious] No, just talking about you with Jeff, your buddy. Um, tomorrow evening? Tomorrow evening would be fine, yes. May have to be a bit later. I'm supposed to be having a facial. Okay, then we can have a good long chat about Jeff.
[Steve calls Jane and gets her answering machine]
Hello, this is Jane, sorry I'm not here.
I am out of the zone, I am finally out. [Starts recording] Jane, hi, this is Steve. Um, look, there's something I've been trying to say. And I think you know by now you know what it is. So, just listen. You are a beautiful, sexy, highly intelligent woman. And a man would have to be insane not to spend the rest of his life with you.
AMAnswering machine
This message tape is now full. Please hang up.
[Drunk]] It must be a lot easier being gay. Sex must be a piece of piss if you're gay.
If you're gay, see... if you're gay, masturbation is practice. Y'know, you can have a good old practice on your own, and then later, when you're ready, when you've got the hang of it, you have a go on someone else's. It's a piece of piss.... See, it's different... it's different when you're a straight bloke. When we finally get our hands on the gear, let me tell you, it's not a drill. Gays have their own practice kit, but you don't get any practice women. We're supposed to fly those babies the first time we get in 'em!
HHoward
That's a very good point, actually.
No it's not, it's homophobic, you stupid queen!
Hello! There's no such thing as homophobia, just people-phobia!
You're not ready for the Giggle Loop.
Basically, it's like a feedback loop. You're somewhere quiet. There's people. It's a...solemn occasion. A wedding. No--it's a minute's silence for someone who's died.
Right, minute’s silence ticking away. [Makes ticking noises with his tongue] The Giggle Loop begins. Suddenly, out of nowhere, this thought comes into your head. The worst thing I could possibly do during a minute’s silence is laugh. [Overturns a beer glass] And as soon as you think that, you almost do laugh, automatic reaction. But you don’t, you control yourself. You’re fine. Whoo... But then you think how terrible it would have been if you’d laughed out loud in the middle of a minute’s silence. And so you nearly do it again, but this time it’s a bigger laugh. [Stacks another beer glass on top of the first one] And then you think how awful this bigger laugh would have been. And so you nearly laugh again, only this time it’s a very big laugh. [Stacks another glass] It’s an enormous laugh! Let this bastard out, and you get whiplash! [Stacks another glass] Suddenly, you’re in the middle of this completely silent room [stacks another glass] and your shoulders are going like you’re drilling the road! And what do you think of this situation? Oh, dear Christ, you think it’s funny!
