Steve Taylor quotes from Coupling

Steve

You know what they say: If music be the food of love, then masturbation is just a snack between meals.

Steve

Lesbians don't eat people, Susan!

Steve

Jane, could you stop doing this? Could you stop just wandering through my front door? Because this is not, repeat not, an American sitcom!

Steve

Bed thieves are operating in your area. Secure all doors and windows and make a large pile of raggy dolls in the centre of your duvet.

Jeff

So, you're really going to do it?

Steve

Oh, yeah. This time.

Jeff

Do you think she knows you're going to dump her?

Steve

She ought to know by now. I've dumped her the last four times I've seen her.

Jeff

So what goes wrong?

Steve

We have sex.

Jeff

You have sex?

Steve

She makes me.

Jeff

How?

Steve

She suggests it.

Jeff

She suggests it?

Steve

Exactly.

Jeff

Evil.

Steve

The last time I dumped her, we had amazing, fantastic, borderline-illegal sex. Now she thinks we're back on.

Jeff

Well, that's ridiculous.

Steve

I know, one swallow does not make her my girlfriend.

Jeff

So, you dump her, then she does this suggesting thing?

Steve

Yeah, I'll just be about to leave, I'll be thinking that I am finally out, she just leans over and looks me in the eyes, and goes; I am wearing stockings.

Jeff

No!

Steve

She's never worn them before! Not once in the entire relationship! I begged.

Jeff

But Steve, you're entitled to her stockings!

Steve

Am I?!

Jeff

Yes, you're still in the zone!

Steve

The what?

Jeff

The boyfriend zone! This is the tailing off period! You've still got a load of stuff at her flat. You might still have a wedding to go to together. You're under joint headings in your friends address books.

Steve

And that means I'm entitled to see her underwear?

Jeff

If it comes up. That's the rules of the zone. Good luck in there Steve.

Steve

You're a strange and disturbing man, Jeff.

Jeff

Thank you.

Jeff

Steve, do you know what I call this kind of woman? You know, the type you "can't get rid of."

Steve

Is this gonna be really tasteless? Am I gonna be ashamed to be your friend?

Jeff

It's a technical term. It's just a harmless expression...

Steve

Hit me.

Jeff

"Unflushable!"

Steve

Turn around, Jeff; walk away!

Jeff

You know, because they keep bobbing around...

Steve

No, no, no, Jeff! Go! Go! ...Don't look back. Go!

Susan

Um, isn't this the ladies?

Steve

Sorry. Just, um, washing my hands.

Susan

Hmm-mm, and the money's for?

Steve

You get these free in the Ladies?

Susan

Apparently.

Steve

Yeah, um. Well, in terms of humiliating myself in front of a complete stranger, this couldn't get more embarrassing, could it?

Susan

So, how are you these days, Steve?

Steve

Great.

Susan

We met at my office party. Jeff invited you, I think. And you spent the whole evening arguing with some women about Crippen. Yeah, I was rather insulted. I seem to remember trying to chat you up at the time.

Steve

Oh.

Susan

So have you seen that women recently?

Steve

Define "recently".

Susan

Ok, look- I'd better-

Steve

No, no, hang on. Maybe we could, you know, meet up sometime.

Susan

Well, yeah. You know where I work. Jeff's got my number. Nothing to stop you from calling me.

Steve

Great.

Susan

Great. [She walks over to the stall Jane is in]

Steve

Where are you going?

Susan

In there.

Steve

Why? What are you going to do?

Susan

That's not a level of detail most people look for. [Steve runs over and splays his arms across door]

Steve

Sorry, um, still using it. Haven't finished. I was on a break.

Susan

What, you popped out to wash your hands during your-

Steve

Yes. It's been a tricky one. [He goes into the stall and Susan leaves with Steve and Jane resuming their makeout session] Look, look. I don't think this is such a good idea anymore.

Jane

Oh, you're just getting all confused again. I'll tell you what, I'll take my clothes off. [She squats down]

Steve

No, no, no, no! That's not going to work! Whatever you might think, whatever everybody might think, it just happens I'm not completely, shaved! I mean, shallow!

Susan

Your friend Steve, is he alright?

Steve

Yeah, yeah, he's having a bit of trouble at the moment. He's got an unflushable.

Susan

Oh, I see. You mean, he can't-

Steve

No, no, not so much can't. He won't.

Susan

"He won't"?

Steve

At the last minute, he gets all sentimental

Steve

How well do you know Susan? Are you close?

Jeff

Close? I've got her cycle in my organizer. Wait, are you thinking of asking her out?

Steve

I've already, kind of. Why, is that a problem? What, have you and her, you know?

Jeff

Oh, yeah, well, we gave it a try, you know. But it was a long time ago. Didn't really work out, I think I made her nervous.

Steve

That's understandable.

Jeff

So, you managed to finish with Jane, then?

Steve

Define "finish".

Jeff

Oh, Steve, have you finished with Jane? Are you out of the zone? If you ask Susan out while you are still seeing Jane, that could be a problem later. So, where were you; zone-wise, with Jane, when you asked Susan out?

Steve

Well, you know, pretty much... in there.

Jeff

Yeah, yeah, but where exactly? You know, like, middle, edge-

Steve

During

Jeff

During? During?

Steve

It's not as bad as it sounds! I was in the toilet cubicle with Jane, when I was nipping out to get a condom, I asked out Susan.

Jeff

The zone has a new king. [Raises arms and starts bowing to Steve] But you will rule alone.

Jane

Hello, this is Jane, sorry I'm not here.

Steve

I am out of the zone, I am finally out. [Starts recording] Jane, hi, this is Steve. Um, look, there's something I've been trying to say. And I think you know by now you know what it is. So, just listen. You are a beautiful, sexy, highly intelligent woman. And a man would have to be insane not to spend the rest of his life with you.

This message tape is now full. Please hang up.

Steve

I think we can take it.

Jeff

You're not ready for the Giggle Loop.

Jeff

Basically, it's like a feedback loop. You're somewhere quiet. There's people. It's a...solemn occasion. A wedding. No--it's a minute's silence for someone who's died.

Steve

Right.

Patrick

Okay.

Jeff

Right, minute’s silence ticking away. [Makes ticking noises with his tongue] The Giggle Loop begins. Suddenly, out of nowhere, this thought comes into your head. The worst thing I could possibly do during a minute’s silence is laugh. [Overturns a beer glass] And as soon as you think that, you almost do laugh, automatic reaction. But you don’t, you control yourself. You’re fine. Whoo... But then you think how terrible it would have been if you’d laughed out loud in the middle of a minute’s silence. And so you nearly do it again, but this time it’s a bigger laugh. [Stacks another beer glass on top of the first one] And then you think how awful this bigger laugh would have been. And so you nearly laugh again, only this time it’s a very big laugh. [Stacks another glass] It’s an enormous laugh! Let this bastard out, and you get whiplash! [Stacks another glass] Suddenly, you’re in the middle of this completely silent room [stacks another glass] and your shoulders are going like you’re drilling the road! And what do you think of this situation? Oh, dear Christ, you think it’s funny!

What are you doing?

Jeff

...It's a Giggle Loop.

It's not a loop, it's a stack.

Jeff

Well I couldn't call it a Giggle Stack now, could I.

Steve

That would sound ridiculous.

Patrick

Exactly!

Steve

I don't know if she has seen the tape. And if she has seen it, what does she think? That I'm some kind of masturbating pervert?

Jeff

You are.

Patrick

We all are.

Steve

True.

Jeff

I need breasts with brains. I don’t mean individual brains, obviously... I mean, not a brain each. You know, I like intelligent women, but you’ve got to draw the line somewhere.

Steve

You draw the line at intelligent breasts?

Jeff

I think breast brains would be over-egging the woman pudding.

Steve

Well, how'd it go?

Jeff

She's leaving the country, doesn't speak English, I insulted her friend's breasts and she thinks I collect women's ears in a bucket.

Steve

Well, you've had worse.

Patrick

There's one thing I don't get here. You've seen this woman on the train and you find her attractive, right?

Jeff

Yeah.

Patrick

And you haven't had sex with her?

Jeff

No.

Patrick

You see my problem?

Steve

Let me explain, Patrick. Here on Earth, there is a gap between seeing someone you like and having sex with them that we like to call conversation. In Jeff's case, it can last for up to ten years.

Patrick

Are you saying I don't converse? I converse. I talk to women.

Steve

Well, do the women talk too?

Patrick

[Pause] Well, they must do.