Susan Walker quotes from Coupling

Susan

Jane's breasts scare me. They're like Mickey Mouse's ears. No matter which way you turn, they're still facing you.

Sally

Did he say what he wanted?

Susan

Not a word.

Sally

Maybe he's going to propose. You said you had a fantastic time last weekend. Maybe he's thinking, you know...

Susan

One swallow doesn't make a summer.

Sally

Maybe you should marry him.

Susan

It's not like that. It's very casual. It's really just sex with a fringe of conversation.

Sally

But what if he's your last ever man? What if you've used up your go's? Remember: every morning your face has slipped a little bit more. Since (age) 30, I have had to put a daily limit on facial expressions. I only ever smile at single men, so I can justify the loss of elasticity.

Susan

Is this how your mind works all the time?

Sally

The only reason I work is so I stop worrying about my hair.

Susan

And this from my beautician. Which reminds me; facial, Wednesday morning. Just don't count every time you find a wrinkle.

Sally

Do I do that out loud?

Susan

You've got a running total in my file. Sally, did it ever occur to you that age brings wisdom and greater confidence?

Sally

Susan, age bring you more to shave.

Sally

Mary Kelly does not fancy you!

Patrick

I can tell from the way she acts around me. She finds me attractive.

Sally

Is there any form of female behavior you don't interpret as finding you attractive?

Patrick

It's never really come up.

Susan

If you two are finished. I thought you wanted to speak to me.

Patrick

Yeah, yeah, I do. [To Sally] Could you give us a minute? [Sally gets up to leave and then turns around]

Sally

Mary Kelly thinks you're a complete idiot.

Patrick

Then why does she keep looking at my arse when we're talking?

Sally

She's lip-reading. [She leaves]

Patrick

We need to talk.

Susan

Sure.

Patrick

About out relationship. I'm just starting to think it's getting a bit hot and heavy. And we both need to back off and cool down. You know, maybe we should just both think about where everything's going and whether we're starting to commit more than we intend to or want to.

Susan

What relationship?

Patrick

I can't believe you!

Susan

Well, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings! I just never saw it as a relationship as such. I just thought we were having a bit of fun, a bit of sex.

Patrick

Well, yeah, I mean, that's what I thought. I mean, that's pretty much the way I see it.

Susan

Well, there you are then.

Patrick

Yeah.

Susan

I mean, it's not as if we're being faithful or anything. Oops. I'm so sorry, I had no idea.

Patrick

It's fine.

Susan

We were only seeing each other once a week. That's not exactly a sex life. You must have been doing a lot of solo flights.

Patrick

No, I wasn't!

Susan

Oh, come on!

Patrick

I certainly was not! I was saving it all up for you!

Susan

No, really? Oops. [Buries face in hand and collapses back on the couch] Look, I'm not saying it wasn't good. I'm just saying it didn't seem like a week's worth. [Patrick glances over] Oh, no, don't look like that! Not everyone has my level of sex drive! I mean, for a start, you're a bloke...

Patrick

All right, all right, I wasn't going to say anything, but actually, I've been seeing someone else, too.

Susan

You've been cheating on me?

Patrick

What?

Susan

Is this true, Patrick?

Patrick

But you were cheating on me!

Susan

I wasn't cheating, I wasn't being faithful. You were being faithful. And that means, you were cheating. And I thought I knew you.

Susan

This is Patrick, This is Jeff who works in my office.

Patrick

Hi, right, good to meet you. [Steve runs through the establishment with Jane in hand behind him]

Jeff

So, how do you know Susan then? [Sally pops up from behind]

Sally

She just dumped him!

Jeff

Oh, great.

Susan

Oh, sounds like my cue for a loo break. Excuse me a sec.

Jeff

So, dumped and still here, eh? So, you're an unflushable. [Patrick coils back]

Susan

Um, isn't this the ladies?

Steve

Sorry. Just, um, washing my hands.

Susan

Hmm-mm, and the money's for?

Steve

You get these free in the Ladies?

Susan

Apparently.

Steve

Yeah, um. Well, in terms of humiliating myself in front of a complete stranger, this couldn't get more embarrassing, could it?

Susan

So, how are you these days, Steve?

Steve

Great.

Susan

We met at my office party. Jeff invited you, I think. And you spent the whole evening arguing with some women about Crippen. Yeah, I was rather insulted. I seem to remember trying to chat you up at the time.

Steve

Oh.

Susan

So have you seen that women recently?

Steve

Define "recently".

Susan

Ok, look- I'd better-

Steve

No, no, hang on. Maybe we could, you know, meet up sometime.

Susan

Well, yeah. You know where I work. Jeff's got my number. Nothing to stop you from calling me.

Steve

Great.

Susan

Great. [She walks over to the stall Jane is in]

Steve

Where are you going?

Susan

In there.

Steve

Why? What are you going to do?

Susan

That's not a level of detail most people look for. [Steve runs over and splays his arms across door]

Steve

Sorry, um, still using it. Haven't finished. I was on a break.

Susan

What, you popped out to wash your hands during your-

Steve

Yes. It's been a tricky one. [He goes into the stall and Susan leaves with Steve and Jane resuming their makeout session] Look, look. I don't think this is such a good idea anymore.

Jane

Oh, you're just getting all confused again. I'll tell you what, I'll take my clothes off. [She squats down]

Steve

No, no, no, no! That's not going to work! Whatever you might think, whatever everybody might think, it just happens I'm not completely, shaved! I mean, shallow!

Susan

Your friend Steve, is he alright?

Steve

Yeah, yeah, he's having a bit of trouble at the moment. He's got an unflushable.

Susan

Oh, I see. You mean, he can't-

Steve

No, no, not so much can't. He won't.

Susan

"He won't"?

Steve

At the last minute, he gets all sentimental

Susan

Jeff.

Jeff

Hello.

Susan

That, uh, that Steve guy. How well do you know him? Are you close?

Jeff

Close? We're porn buddies.

Susan

Porn buddies?

Jeff

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Susan

Is this code? Were you two in prison together or something?

Jeff

No, no, no, it's a safety precaution. You know, like, a scuba diver dives with a buddy, in case he runs out of air.

Susan

Ok, so are you telling me a porn buddy stands by with oxygen?

Jeff

[Laughs] No. Many years ago, Steve and I exchanged house keys.

Susan

Are you sure this isn't code?

Jeff

It's not code. In the event of Steve's death, the first thing I will do, upset though I will be, is go straight to his house and remove all the pornography before his parents can find it.

Susan

You're kidding.

Jeff

And he's pledged to do the same for me. That's how close we are.

Susan

You guys have seriously made arrangements to destroy your dirty mags?

Jeff

Who said destroy? "Remove".

Susan

Yeah, but, you wouldn't keep them, would you?

Jeff

Well, it's a perk.

Susan

Oh, Jeff. [She turn around and walks away]

Jeff

That's the beauty of it, you see. [He follows her] Your best friend's dead, but there's a bright side.

Susan

[She sits down] You're trying to put me off him, aren't you?

Jeff

No way, why would I do that?

Susan

I know it was a long time ago, but, um, you and me?

Jeff

Yeah, well, that didn't really work out, did it?

Susan

I'll never understand why I made you so nervous. I've never seen anyone looks so terrified.

Jeff

It's all in the past, that. Please forget about it. [Phone rings and Susan answers it]

Susan

Oh, talk of the devil. Hi, Steve. [Jeff gets up looking anxious] No, just talking about you with Jeff, your buddy. Um, tomorrow evening? Tomorrow evening would be fine, yes. May have to be a bit later. I'm supposed to be having a facial. Okay, then we can have a good long chat about Jeff.

Steve

What are they [cushions] for?

You sit on them.

Steve

Aha! I see that's where you're wrong! Nobody sits on them. Ok, watch this! Here's the cushion. I'm putting it on the sofa. Now, watch me! I'm sitting down, and what do I do on my final approach? I... [he moves the cushion from the seat] oop! Move the cushion! You see? It's not involved! It's not part of the whole sitting process! It just lies there, it's fat litter! It's a sofa parasite!

Jane

It's... you know, padding.

Steve

Oh, padding! Oh now that's interesting. See, I like padding. You know, if I was, say, an American football player with all those big bastards running at me, I would say, you know, "Give me some of that padding and be quick about it!" You know, if my job involved bouncing down jagged rocks, I would say, "In view of those jagged rocks down there, I'll have some of that padding, thank you very much!" But Susan, Sally, Jane, this... is a sofa. It is designed by clever scientists in such a way so is to shield the unprotected user from the way of skin abrasions, serious head trauma, and of course - [he collapses behind the sofa and reemerges] - Daleks! You lot, trust me girls, trust me on this one, you do not need padding to tackle upholstery! So please, once and for all, tell me, why on Earth you would want me to sit on one of THESE!

Susan

Because, if you pressed it firmly against your bottom it might stop you talking!

Susan

[Asked by Sally if she wants to talk about her break-up with Steve] Okay... you know what's really getting me mad? My boyfriend... my fiance... the man who, against all my better judgment I actually love... chatted up a woman in a bar. And on the very same day – the very same day – I chatted up a man. Do you see? Do you get it? I'm equally at fault. How can I ever forgive him for that? But, of course, I'm not going to forgive him because... because men – and I don't mean to generalise – are CRAP! They're the human race's only failed gender! Who needs them? And why are they so difficult to keep hold of? Do you think they realise that, were it not for the genetic imperative to populate the earth, they wouldn't get a date? That's one hell of an inducement! "No pressure, girls, but shag one of these or it's curtains for all humankind!" That's harrassment! But you know what? Do you know what's even more crap than men? WE are more crap than men! All those stupid books you guys had and... and these magazines! A hundred pages of "Men are useless bastards" and an article on why you should wake them up with a blow job! Am I alone on spotting the inconsistency here? And these places [beauty parlours] 'cause, for God's sake, don't let them see what we really look like! Just let them enjoy the results; don't let them see how it all happens.

Jane

You know... I went out with Steve for six years...

Susan

No, you didn't. You went out with him for four years. I checked.

Jane

Oh... well it seemed longer.

Susan

Yeah! Yeah! Of course it seemed longer. I, myself, have been going out with him since the 12th century. Or possibly since last week; it's hard to keep track. Because how are you supposed to measure time with the man that you want to spend the rest of your life with? What would make sense? Centuries? Nanoseconds?

Sally

Eggs.

Patrick

[On the phone to Jeff] We have our advisors online.

Steve

[Pointing at Susan and Sally] That's you two.

Susan

This is ridiculous! Why does he need us to translate for him? Women aren't a completely different species, you know.

Patrick

[On the phone] Jeff, women AREN'T a completely different species.

Steve

He just needs to find out if it's a friendly drink or a date drink. He'll do friendly but he won't do date.

Sally

Why doesn't he know already?

Steve

Because he is Jeff, and there's no known cure.

Susan

Need any help translating THAT one?

Sally

These are my ovaries

Susan

Please come inside.

Patrick

[On the phone to Jeff] Careful, Jeff, she's packin' ovaries!

Susan

I'd like to think that the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with has a better reason for staying faithful than, "It might be a trick."

Steve

Well, it wasn't the only thing! It was just like the... deterrent.

Susan

The deterrent?

Steve

Well, yeah. You know, like nuclear weaponry. I mean, nobody likes it, but it can help to keep the peace.

Susan

Steve, you've just compared our relationship to the Cold War.

Steve

Which, may I remind you, really lasted.

Susan

So the nature of the bond between us is, in fact, the threat of mutually assured destruction?

Steve

Oh, among many other things.

Susan

Men and toilets, the love that dare not speak its name. What's that about?

Steve

[Slams hand down] We are men! Throughout history, we have always needed, in times of difficulty, to retreat to our caves. It so happens that in this modern age, our caves are fully plumbed. The toilet is, for us, the last bastion, the final refuge, the last few square feet of man-space left to us! Somewhere to sit, something to read, something to do, and who gives a damn about the smell? Because that, for us, is happiness. Because we are men. We are different. We have only one word for soap. We do not own candles. We have never seen anything of any value in a craft shop. We do not own magazines fill of pictures of celebrities with all their clothes on. When we have conversations, we actually take it in turns to talk! But we have not yet reached that level of earth-shattering boredom and inhuman despair that we would have a haircut recreationally. We don't know how to get excited about... really, really boring things, like ornaments, bath oil, the countryside, vases, small churches. I mean, we do not even know what, what in the name of God's arse is the purpose of pot-pourri! Looks like breakfast, smells like your auntie! Why do we need that? So please, in this strange and frightening world, allow us one last place to call our own. This toilet, this blessed pot, this...Fortress of Solitude. You girls, you may go to the bathroom in groups of two or more. Yet we do not pass comment. We do not make judgement. That is your choice. But we men will always walk the toilet mile... alone.

Susan

Would you like me to put the lock back on the toilet door, dear?

Steve

Would you mind?

Susan

You should have asked.

Susan

Have you phoned Sally yet?

Patrick

No.

Susan

Well phone her soon, Patrick. Or, no offence, I'll rip your throat out.

Steve

[Nervously] How???...Who???...What???...Hippo!!

Susan

[After announcing her pregnancy] Time's up, Steve. I think it's time for someone else to be a child.

Susan

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm looking for Steve Taylor.

Susan

Steve Taylor. Is he here?

Um, cubicle eight. [continues giggling]

Susan

Is there a problem?

No. [walks away, still giggling]

Susan

Steve?

Steve

Hello darling!

Susan

Hello!

Steve

Something wrong?

Susan

You've been in there for an hour and a half!

Steve

About that, yeah?

Susan

About that.

Steve

How did you know that?

Susan

Steve, they phoned me!

Steve

Oh!

Susan

So, how's it going?

Steve

Well, you know, early days.

Susan

Early days.

Steve

Well how quickly do you think I can do this?

Susan

Well no offence, darling, but really quite quickly!