Patrick Maitland quotes from Coupling

Patrick

[On inventing a fake marriage] What choice did I have? I'm thirty-three, single, with neat hair. Even I think I'm gay!

Patrick

Sometimes a man is faced with the right thing to do and the wrong thing to do. And he only misses by one.

Sally

Mary Kelly does not fancy you!

Patrick

I can tell from the way she acts around me. She finds me attractive.

Sally

Is there any form of female behavior you don't interpret as finding you attractive?

Patrick

It's never really come up.

Susan

If you two are finished. I thought you wanted to speak to me.

Patrick

Yeah, yeah, I do. [To Sally] Could you give us a minute? [Sally gets up to leave and then turns around]

Sally

Mary Kelly thinks you're a complete idiot.

Patrick

Then why does she keep looking at my arse when we're talking?

Sally

She's lip-reading. [She leaves]

Patrick

We need to talk.

Susan

Sure.

Patrick

About out relationship. I'm just starting to think it's getting a bit hot and heavy. And we both need to back off and cool down. You know, maybe we should just both think about where everything's going and whether we're starting to commit more than we intend to or want to.

Susan

What relationship?

Patrick

I can't believe you!

Susan

Well, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings! I just never saw it as a relationship as such. I just thought we were having a bit of fun, a bit of sex.

Patrick

Well, yeah, I mean, that's what I thought. I mean, that's pretty much the way I see it.

Susan

Well, there you are then.

Patrick

Yeah.

Susan

I mean, it's not as if we're being faithful or anything. Oops. I'm so sorry, I had no idea.

Patrick

It's fine.

Susan

We were only seeing each other once a week. That's not exactly a sex life. You must have been doing a lot of solo flights.

Patrick

No, I wasn't!

Susan

Oh, come on!

Patrick

I certainly was not! I was saving it all up for you!

Susan

No, really? Oops. [Buries face in hand and collapses back on the couch] Look, I'm not saying it wasn't good. I'm just saying it didn't seem like a week's worth. [Patrick glances over] Oh, no, don't look like that! Not everyone has my level of sex drive! I mean, for a start, you're a bloke...

Patrick

All right, all right, I wasn't going to say anything, but actually, I've been seeing someone else, too.

Susan

You've been cheating on me?

Patrick

What?

Susan

Is this true, Patrick?

Patrick

But you were cheating on me!

Susan

I wasn't cheating, I wasn't being faithful. You were being faithful. And that means, you were cheating. And I thought I knew you.

Susan

This is Patrick, This is Jeff who works in my office.

Patrick

Hi, right, good to meet you. [Steve runs through the establishment with Jane in hand behind him]

Jeff

So, how do you know Susan then? [Sally pops up from behind]

Sally

She just dumped him!

Jeff

Oh, great.

Susan

Oh, sounds like my cue for a loo break. Excuse me a sec.

Jeff

So, dumped and still here, eh? So, you're an unflushable. [Patrick coils back]

Sally

So, back on your own again, eh? Back out there?

Patrick

You're smiling at me. I don't think I've ever seen that.

Sally

You're a single man, now. You qualify for my elasticity.

Patrick

Is that as good as it sounds?

Sally

Patrick, what do you call people you go out with but don't try to sleep with?

Patrick

Men?

Patrick

You can’t prevent death with face cream.

Sally

Yeah? That’s what everyone thinks, but no-one’s ever used it in the quantities I do.

Patrick

What's a giggle loop?

Jeff

Don't ask! To know about the Giggle Loop is to become part OF the Giggle Loop!

Steve

I think we can take it.

Jeff

You're not ready for the Giggle Loop.

Jeff

Basically, it's like a feedback loop. You're somewhere quiet. There's people. It's a...solemn occasion. A wedding. No--it's a minute's silence for someone who's died.

Steve

Right.

Patrick

Okay.

Jeff

Right, minute’s silence ticking away. [Makes ticking noises with his tongue] The Giggle Loop begins. Suddenly, out of nowhere, this thought comes into your head. The worst thing I could possibly do during a minute’s silence is laugh. [Overturns a beer glass] And as soon as you think that, you almost do laugh, automatic reaction. But you don’t, you control yourself. You’re fine. Whoo... But then you think how terrible it would have been if you’d laughed out loud in the middle of a minute’s silence. And so you nearly do it again, but this time it’s a bigger laugh. [Stacks another beer glass on top of the first one] And then you think how awful this bigger laugh would have been. And so you nearly laugh again, only this time it’s a very big laugh. [Stacks another glass] It’s an enormous laugh! Let this bastard out, and you get whiplash! [Stacks another glass] Suddenly, you’re in the middle of this completely silent room [stacks another glass] and your shoulders are going like you’re drilling the road! And what do you think of this situation? Oh, dear Christ, you think it’s funny!

What are you doing?

Jeff

...It's a Giggle Loop.

It's not a loop, it's a stack.

Jeff

Well I couldn't call it a Giggle Stack now, could I.

Steve

That would sound ridiculous.

Patrick

Exactly!

Steve

I don't know if she has seen the tape. And if she has seen it, what does she think? That I'm some kind of masturbating pervert?

Jeff

You are.

Patrick

We all are.

Steve

True.

Patrick

There's one thing I don't get here. You've seen this woman on the train and you find her attractive, right?

Jeff

Yeah.

Patrick

And you haven't had sex with her?

Jeff

No.

Patrick

You see my problem?

Steve

Let me explain, Patrick. Here on Earth, there is a gap between seeing someone you like and having sex with them that we like to call conversation. In Jeff's case, it can last for up to ten years.

Patrick

Are you saying I don't converse? I converse. I talk to women.

Steve

Well, do the women talk too?

Patrick

[Pause] Well, they must do.

Steve

Should you kiss her now or does that mean you gotta start from the top again?

Jeff

Should you be making noises yet? Is it too soon to grunt?

Steve

[Snaps fingers] And then, the killer - out of nowhere, for no reason you can think of, you call her [huskily] "baby."

Jeff

You never called her "baby" before.

Steve

You've never called anyone "baby" before.

Jeff

So why did you just call her "baby"? Suddenly you're starting to blush.

Steve

Now, you're blushing and you've got an erection. No-one's got enough blood!

Jeff

[Scotty voice] The engines, Cap'n! They cannae take it!

Steve

Then the Melty Man hits you with his secret weapon.

Jeff

Just one single thought is placed in your mind at this crucial time.

Steve

"Please God! Don't let me lose my erection!"

Jeff

[Hand goes down] Pufff.

Patrick

[With terror and disbelief] How do you guys manage to have sex?

Steve

["Duh!" voice] We don't.

Jeff

I haven't had sex in years.

Steve

It's just not possible anymore.

Jeff

We are followers of the Melty Man.

Steve

And you're one of us now.

Patrick

[Learning about the Melty Man] So who is he?

Steve

The arch enemy of trouser confidence.

Jeff

Professor Moriarty in groin form.

Steve

Darth Vader...

Jeff

...without the helmet.

Patrick

Julia's pants... are they really tiny?

Jeff

You could accidentally swallow three whole pairs in one go!

Patrick

Jeff?

Jeff

Yeah?

Patrick

They spread.

Jeff

What?

Patrick

Pants. They spread, and grow.

Steve

Experts can determine the age of a relationship from pants spreadage alone.

Patrick

You start off with that sexy little thong...

Steve

And one day you're looking at the makings of a decent sized trampoline.

Jeff

[Scared]] It's not gonna be like that with me and Julia.

Steve

Jeff, Jeff. Before you know it, you'll be sitting on the sofa with Julia, she'll be wearing pants large enough to cover Switzerland, and you'll discover that you're unable to make the slightest movement without her asking, [high-pitched] "Where are you going?" Every time! "Where are you going?" She won't even know she's saying it! It's- it's like you've set off a motion sensor. And then, you'll notice that your house is covered in shoes. [Gets up and picks up a shoe] Shoes! Shoes everywhere! Why do they have so many shoes? Do they have extra feet we don't know about? Do they sprout rows of additional feet while we're asleep and gallop around the streets at night shouting [screeching] "WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"

Steve

Uh... S-sorry. Dr-drifted a bit there.

Steve

It is not scientifically possible for a man to know what a woman wants. And that's not fair! Because you always know what we want.

Patrick

Yeah, because we always have the decency to only want one thing.

Steve

And do you ever thank us for making it so simple?

Patrick

Never.