Jane Christie quotes from Coupling

Jane

I'm an emotional vegetarian. I know a lot of vegetarians and we tend to like the same films.

Jane

I've always wanted to date a gynaecologist. I want to know I'm special.

Jane

I'm reporting traffic, there's bound to be casualties!

Susan

Um, isn't this the ladies?

Steve

Sorry. Just, um, washing my hands.

Susan

Hmm-mm, and the money's for?

Steve

You get these free in the Ladies?

Susan

Apparently.

Steve

Yeah, um. Well, in terms of humiliating myself in front of a complete stranger, this couldn't get more embarrassing, could it?

Susan

So, how are you these days, Steve?

Steve

Great.

Susan

We met at my office party. Jeff invited you, I think. And you spent the whole evening arguing with some women about Crippen. Yeah, I was rather insulted. I seem to remember trying to chat you up at the time.

Steve

Oh.

Susan

So have you seen that women recently?

Steve

Define "recently".

Susan

Ok, look- I'd better-

Steve

No, no, hang on. Maybe we could, you know, meet up sometime.

Susan

Well, yeah. You know where I work. Jeff's got my number. Nothing to stop you from calling me.

Steve

Great.

Susan

Great. [She walks over to the stall Jane is in]

Steve

Where are you going?

Susan

In there.

Steve

Why? What are you going to do?

Susan

That's not a level of detail most people look for. [Steve runs over and splays his arms across door]

Steve

Sorry, um, still using it. Haven't finished. I was on a break.

Susan

What, you popped out to wash your hands during your-

Steve

Yes. It's been a tricky one. [He goes into the stall and Susan leaves with Steve and Jane resuming their makeout session] Look, look. I don't think this is such a good idea anymore.

Jane

Oh, you're just getting all confused again. I'll tell you what, I'll take my clothes off. [She squats down]

Steve

No, no, no, no! That's not going to work! Whatever you might think, whatever everybody might think, it just happens I'm not completely, shaved! I mean, shallow!

Jane

Hello, this is Jane, sorry I'm not here.

Steve

I am out of the zone, I am finally out. [Starts recording] Jane, hi, this is Steve. Um, look, there's something I've been trying to say. And I think you know by now you know what it is. So, just listen. You are a beautiful, sexy, highly intelligent woman. And a man would have to be insane not to spend the rest of his life with you.

This message tape is now full. Please hang up.

Jeff

[Drunk]] It must be a lot easier being gay. Sex must be a piece of piss if you're gay.

And why is that?

Jeff

If you're gay, see... if you're gay, masturbation is practice. Y'know, you can have a good old practice on your own, and then later, when you're ready, when you've got the hang of it, you have a go on someone else's. It's a piece of piss.... See, it's different... it's different when you're a straight bloke. When we finally get our hands on the gear, let me tell you, it's not a drill. Gays have their own practice kit, but you don't get any practice women. We're supposed to fly those babies the first time we get in 'em!

That's a very good point, actually.

Sally

No it's not, it's homophobic, you stupid queen!

Jane

Hello! There's no such thing as homophobia, just people-phobia!

Sally

"Room in your cupboard for one more"? You said that?

Jane

Yeah. I really thought I'd gone to his house, you know, to "heal our spiritual divide," but it turns out I was just gagging for a shag. Those two are so similar!

Steve

What are they [cushions] for?

You sit on them.

Steve

Aha! I see that's where you're wrong! Nobody sits on them. Ok, watch this! Here's the cushion. I'm putting it on the sofa. Now, watch me! I'm sitting down, and what do I do on my final approach? I... [he moves the cushion from the seat] oop! Move the cushion! You see? It's not involved! It's not part of the whole sitting process! It just lies there, it's fat litter! It's a sofa parasite!

Jane

It's... you know, padding.

Steve

Oh, padding! Oh now that's interesting. See, I like padding. You know, if I was, say, an American football player with all those big bastards running at me, I would say, you know, "Give me some of that padding and be quick about it!" You know, if my job involved bouncing down jagged rocks, I would say, "In view of those jagged rocks down there, I'll have some of that padding, thank you very much!" But Susan, Sally, Jane, this... is a sofa. It is designed by clever scientists in such a way so is to shield the unprotected user from the way of skin abrasions, serious head trauma, and of course - [he collapses behind the sofa and reemerges] - Daleks! You lot, trust me girls, trust me on this one, you do not need padding to tackle upholstery! So please, once and for all, tell me, why on Earth you would want me to sit on one of THESE!

Susan

Because, if you pressed it firmly against your bottom it might stop you talking!

Jane

You know the real way to tell if a man likes you? Have a drink with him, and if he puts his glass down really close to yours, that means he really likes you and something's definitely going to happen.

Sally

You know, I think Patrick does that. I think he does that glass thing.

Jane

Of course, as indicators go, an enormous erection's a bit more reliable.

Jane

I don't like to label everything in my medicine cabinet. You'd never have any surprises.

Steve

This week's top tip from Children's Hour.

Jeff

[As Steve is on the phone] What's wrong?

Steve

It's Jane. She's stuck naked in someone else's flat!

Jeff

Naked?

Steve

Completely! She's only got her coat!

Jeff

Can I speak to her? [He takes the phone] Hi Jane, it's Jeff.

Jane

[Bewildered] Hi, Jeff...

Jeff

[Grins, pauses, then hands the phone back to Steve] Thanks. [He walks off]

Jane

Jeff?

Steve

Um, he's just gone to the loo... might be some time.

Jane

I once went on holiday and pretended to be twins. It was amazing fun. I invented this mad, glamorous sister and went around really annoying everybody. And d'you know, I could get away with anything when I was my crazy twin Jane.

Sally

But you're Jane.

Jane

Kinda stuck. It's a long story.

Susan

[Asked by Sally if she wants to talk about her break-up with Steve] Okay... you know what's really getting me mad? My boyfriend... my fiance... the man who, against all my better judgment I actually love... chatted up a woman in a bar. And on the very same day – the very same day – I chatted up a man. Do you see? Do you get it? I'm equally at fault. How can I ever forgive him for that? But, of course, I'm not going to forgive him because... because men – and I don't mean to generalise – are CRAP! They're the human race's only failed gender! Who needs them? And why are they so difficult to keep hold of? Do you think they realise that, were it not for the genetic imperative to populate the earth, they wouldn't get a date? That's one hell of an inducement! "No pressure, girls, but shag one of these or it's curtains for all humankind!" That's harrassment! But you know what? Do you know what's even more crap than men? WE are more crap than men! All those stupid books you guys had and... and these magazines! A hundred pages of "Men are useless bastards" and an article on why you should wake them up with a blow job! Am I alone on spotting the inconsistency here? And these places [beauty parlours] 'cause, for God's sake, don't let them see what we really look like! Just let them enjoy the results; don't let them see how it all happens.

Jane

You know... I went out with Steve for six years...

Susan

No, you didn't. You went out with him for four years. I checked.

Jane

Oh... well it seemed longer.

Susan

Yeah! Yeah! Of course it seemed longer. I, myself, have been going out with him since the 12th century. Or possibly since last week; it's hard to keep track. Because how are you supposed to measure time with the man that you want to spend the rest of your life with? What would make sense? Centuries? Nanoseconds?

Sally

Eggs.

Jane

Actually I prefer videos.

Oliver

What?

Jane

I prefer porn in video form, it's more realistic. Do you have any of those?