“The Melty Man Cometh” quotes from Coupling

Steve

Should you kiss her now or does that mean you gotta start from the top again?

Jeff

Should you be making noises yet? Is it too soon to grunt?

Steve

[Snaps fingers] And then, the killer - out of nowhere, for no reason you can think of, you call her [huskily] "baby."

Jeff

You never called her "baby" before.

Steve

You've never called anyone "baby" before.

Jeff

So why did you just call her "baby"? Suddenly you're starting to blush.

Steve

Now, you're blushing and you've got an erection. No-one's got enough blood!

Jeff

[Scotty voice] The engines, Cap'n! They cannae take it!

Steve

Then the Melty Man hits you with his secret weapon.

Jeff

Just one single thought is placed in your mind at this crucial time.

Steve

"Please God! Don't let me lose my erection!"

Jeff

[Hand goes down] Pufff.

Patrick

[With terror and disbelief] How do you guys manage to have sex?

Steve

["Duh!" voice] We don't.

Jeff

I haven't had sex in years.

Steve

It's just not possible anymore.

Jeff

We are followers of the Melty Man.

Steve

And you're one of us now.

Jane

You know the real way to tell if a man likes you? Have a drink with him, and if he puts his glass down really close to yours, that means he really likes you and something's definitely going to happen.

Sally

You know, I think Patrick does that. I think he does that glass thing.

Jane

Of course, as indicators go, an enormous erection's a bit more reliable.

Patrick

[Learning about the Melty Man] So who is he?

Steve

The arch enemy of trouser confidence.

Jeff

Professor Moriarty in groin form.

Steve

Darth Vader...

Jeff

...without the helmet.