A character in Coupling
Played by Richard Coyle
Coupling · 83 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Coupling: in 37 of its 83 quotes
Most scenes with: Steve Taylor (20), Patrick Maitland (9), Sally Harper (2)
JeffI mean, where exactly do you take your socks off? My advice is to take them off right after your shoes, and before your trousers. That’s the sock gap. Miss it, and suddenly you’re a naked man in socks. No self-respecting woman will ever let a naked man in socks do the squelchy with her.
JeffDo you know what would be the best way to wipe out all of human kind?... Make all women telepathic because if they suddenly found out about the kind of stuff that goes on in our heads they'd kill us all on the spot. Men are not people. We are disgustoids in human form!
JeffYou know, when I was a kid, I used to write the word "naked" hundreds of times on a bit of paper and then rub my face in it. It's better than sex.
JeffBut what about my legs, Steve? She's bound to count them eventually!
JeffI've got the key to the gates of paradise... but I've got too many legs!
JeffSteve, you know what the sentence of death is, don't you? I don't mean the sentence like in executions and stuff, I mean the scary one... Just five words, Steve. Five little words. "Where. Is. This. Relationship. Going?"
JeffYou know what's great about skirts? When a woman's wearing a skirt, you know, you know that somewhere in that room, shifting all the time, there is the VAA: the Visual Access Angle. A clear line of sight back to base camp.
JeffWomen remember, Steve. It's like they've got minds of their own.
JeffDo you know what arses are, Patrick? Arses are the human race's favourite thing. We like them on each other, we like them on magazine covers, we even like them on babies! When it itches, we like to scratch them, when its cold, we like to warm them, and who among us, in a lonely moment hasn't reached back for a discreet fondle? When God gave us our arses he had to stick them round the back just so we wouldn't sit and stare at them all day. Cause when God made the arse he didn't say "Hey it's just your basic hinge, let's knock off early." He said "Behold ye angels, I have created the arse. Throughout the ages to come, men and women shall grab hold of these and shout my name!"
JeffI'm not bad. I've never been bad... I'm fairly new to mild naughtiness.
JeffYou know jelly-wrestling... which is basically jelly with women wrestling in it... OK, well, think about this. Afterwards, after the wrestling, what happens to the jelly? Because you could sell that. That is a missed opportunity. You could bottle it and sell it... You take the women out first, obviously.
[Jeff solves the toilet door problem by using a wedge to keep the door shut]
JeffArea secure, 007.
JeffSo, you're really going to do it?
Oh, yeah. This time.
JeffDo you think she knows you're going to dump her?
She ought to know by now. I've dumped her the last four times I've seen her.
JeffSo what goes wrong?
We have sex.
JeffYou have sex?
She makes me.
JeffHow?
She suggests it.
JeffShe suggests it?
Exactly.
JeffEvil.
The last time I dumped her, we had amazing, fantastic, borderline-illegal sex. Now she thinks we're back on.
JeffWell, that's ridiculous.
I know, one swallow does not make her my girlfriend.
JeffSo, you dump her, then she does this suggesting thing?
Yeah, I'll just be about to leave, I'll be thinking that I am finally out, she just leans over and looks me in the eyes, and goes; I am wearing stockings.
JeffNo!
She's never worn them before! Not once in the entire relationship! I begged.
JeffBut Steve, you're entitled to her stockings!
Am I?!
JeffYes, you're still in the zone!
The what?
JeffThe boyfriend zone! This is the tailing off period! You've still got a load of stuff at her flat. You might still have a wedding to go to together. You're under joint headings in your friends address books.
And that means I'm entitled to see her underwear?
JeffIf it comes up. That's the rules of the zone. Good luck in there Steve.
You're a strange and disturbing man, Jeff.
JeffThank you.
JeffSteve, do you know what I call this kind of woman? You know, the type you "can't get rid of."
Is this gonna be really tasteless? Am I gonna be ashamed to be your friend?
JeffIt's a technical term. It's just a harmless expression...
Hit me.
Jeff"Unflushable!"
Turn around, Jeff; walk away!
JeffYou know, because they keep bobbing around...
No, no, no, Jeff! Go! Go! ...Don't look back. Go!
Mary Kelly does not fancy you!
I can tell from the way she acts around me. She finds me attractive.
Is there any form of female behavior you don't interpret as finding you attractive?
It's never really come up.
If you two are finished. I thought you wanted to speak to me.
Yeah, yeah, I do. [To Sally] Could you give us a minute? [Sally gets up to leave and then turns around]
Mary Kelly thinks you're a complete idiot.
Then why does she keep looking at my arse when we're talking?
She's lip-reading. [She leaves]
We need to talk.
Sure.
About out relationship. I'm just starting to think it's getting a bit hot and heavy. And we both need to back off and cool down. You know, maybe we should just both think about where everything's going and whether we're starting to commit more than we intend to or want to.
What relationship?
I can't believe you!
Well, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings! I just never saw it as a relationship as such. I just thought we were having a bit of fun, a bit of sex.
Well, yeah, I mean, that's what I thought. I mean, that's pretty much the way I see it.
Well, there you are then.
Yeah.
I mean, it's not as if we're being faithful or anything. Oops. I'm so sorry, I had no idea.
It's fine.
We were only seeing each other once a week. That's not exactly a sex life. You must have been doing a lot of solo flights.
No, I wasn't!
Oh, come on!
I certainly was not! I was saving it all up for you!
No, really? Oops. [Buries face in hand and collapses back on the couch] Look, I'm not saying it wasn't good. I'm just saying it didn't seem like a week's worth. [Patrick glances over] Oh, no, don't look like that! Not everyone has my level of sex drive! I mean, for a start, you're a bloke...
All right, all right, I wasn't going to say anything, but actually, I've been seeing someone else, too.
You've been cheating on me?
What?
Is this true, Patrick?
But you were cheating on me!
I wasn't cheating, I wasn't being faithful. You were being faithful. And that means, you were cheating. And I thought I knew you.
This is Patrick, This is Jeff who works in my office.
Hi, right, good to meet you. [Steve runs through the establishment with Jane in hand behind him]
JeffSo, how do you know Susan then? [Sally pops up from behind]
She just dumped him!
JeffOh, great.
Oh, sounds like my cue for a loo break. Excuse me a sec.
JeffSo, dumped and still here, eh? So, you're an unflushable. [Patrick coils back]
[Steve and Jeff are playing a video game]
How well do you know Susan? Are you close?
JeffClose? I've got her cycle in my organizer. Wait, are you thinking of asking her out?
I've already, kind of. Why, is that a problem? What, have you and her, you know?
JeffOh, yeah, well, we gave it a try, you know. But it was a long time ago. Didn't really work out, I think I made her nervous.
That's understandable.
JeffSo, you managed to finish with Jane, then?
Define "finish".
JeffOh, Steve, have you finished with Jane? Are you out of the zone? If you ask Susan out while you are still seeing Jane, that could be a problem later. So, where were you; zone-wise, with Jane, when you asked Susan out?
Well, you know, pretty much... in there.
JeffYeah, yeah, but where exactly? You know, like, middle, edge-
During
JeffDuring? During?
It's not as bad as it sounds! I was in the toilet cubicle with Jane, when I was nipping out to get a condom, I asked out Susan.
JeffThe zone has a new king. [Raises arms and starts bowing to Steve] But you will rule alone.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Coupling pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
