Steve Taylor quotes from Coupling

Jeff

[Jeff is wearing a leather mask] We were just spending a quiet evening in front of the television. In the course of events I swallowed some of her jewellery.

Steve

You what?

Jeff

There was a swallowage incident. I swallowed an item.

Steve

Right?

Jeff

Now normally when I swallow some of Julia's jewellery...

Steve

No, no, Jeff please. "Normally"... has never been used in the sentence before.

Jeff

Well, you know what it's like when you've got your own actual real-life girlfriend. It's like you got a woman with a nudity switch. Sometimes when she's laying there and she's just so, so totally naked, I can't control myself. I just sort of hoover.

Steve

OK.

Jeff

Obviously now and then in the course of any nudity hoovering, you're gonna ingest an item. Now normally, I remain calm, let nature take its course, and in due time slip the relevant item back into her jewellery box.

Steve

I see.

Jeff

Not directly, of course.

Steve

I was clinging to that hope.

Jeff

Sally could be a lesbian! ...It could happen! She could be having a shower maybe. and probably Jane would be there. And she might happen to say, "Jane, could you help me soap my breasts?" "Your breasts, Sally?" "Yes, Jane, it's those tricky undersides." "Oh, I know what you mean, Sally, breasts can be a real dirt-trap."

Steve

You do realise there is a difference between real life and low-quality lesbian porn?!

Susan

Men and toilets, the love that dare not speak its name. What's that about?

Steve

[Slams hand down] We are men! Throughout history, we have always needed, in times of difficulty, to retreat to our caves. It so happens that in this modern age, our caves are fully plumbed. The toilet is, for us, the last bastion, the final refuge, the last few square feet of man-space left to us! Somewhere to sit, something to read, something to do, and who gives a damn about the smell? Because that, for us, is happiness. Because we are men. We are different. We have only one word for soap. We do not own candles. We have never seen anything of any value in a craft shop. We do not own magazines fill of pictures of celebrities with all their clothes on. When we have conversations, we actually take it in turns to talk! But we have not yet reached that level of earth-shattering boredom and inhuman despair that we would have a haircut recreationally. We don't know how to get excited about... really, really boring things, like ornaments, bath oil, the countryside, vases, small churches. I mean, we do not even know what, what in the name of God's arse is the purpose of pot-pourri! Looks like breakfast, smells like your auntie! Why do we need that? So please, in this strange and frightening world, allow us one last place to call our own. This toilet, this blessed pot, this...Fortress of Solitude. You girls, you may go to the bathroom in groups of two or more. Yet we do not pass comment. We do not make judgement. That is your choice. But we men will always walk the toilet mile... alone.

Susan

Would you like me to put the lock back on the toilet door, dear?

Steve

Would you mind?

Susan

You should have asked.

Steve

[Nervously] How???...Who???...What???...Hippo!!

Susan

[After announcing her pregnancy] Time's up, Steve. I think it's time for someone else to be a child.

Susan

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm looking for Steve Taylor.

Susan

Steve Taylor. Is he here?

Um, cubicle eight. [continues giggling]

Susan

Is there a problem?

No. [walks away, still giggling]

Susan

Steve?

Steve

Hello darling!

Susan

Hello!

Steve

Something wrong?

Susan

You've been in there for an hour and a half!

Steve

About that, yeah?

Susan

About that.

Steve

How did you know that?

Susan

Steve, they phoned me!

Steve

Oh!

Susan

So, how's it going?

Steve

Well, you know, early days.

Susan

Early days.

Steve

Well how quickly do you think I can do this?

Susan

Well no offence, darling, but really quite quickly!

Sally

Look, when I said have a baby... I didn't mean, I just meant... socially!

Patrick

Socially?

Sally

To tea.

Patrick

Babies can't come round to tea, Sally. They're rubbish.

Susan

Don't say that!

Steve

Hormones!

Susan

Bollocks!

Patrick

Doesn't this all seem a little early?

Sally

Of course it's early, it's far too early! I don't want a baby yet! You gotta get a cat first, see if you're maternal.

Steve

You've already got a cat.

Sally

Well, I'll shave it! See if I still like it!

Steve

You went out and pulled a pregnant woman. What were you thinking?

Patrick

Oh, you know, "there's a nice, compact pregnancy, let's take it out for a spin."

Sally

She had a baby inside her, you insane filth!

Steve

Right, the question of pain relief.

Patrick

Yes

Oliver

Absolutely.

Steve

Sorted.

Oliver

So how are we supposed to pad this out?

Steve

[Looks over at Susan] I suppose we could discuss the different methods.

Patrick

Drugs.

Oliver

Yeah, drugs.

Steve

Sorted.

Susan

[Trying to encourage Oliver to sleeping with Jane] Just look at her. She's a beautiful, sexy woman and she's never had an orgasm. Well there's your challenge, your Everest.

Steve

What are you waiting for, Oliver? Mount Jane! [Realises what he said] That wasn't actually meant to sound like instruction...