Community Season 3 quotes

Annie

[Singing like Betty Boop] Teach me how to understand Christmas

Jeff

[Confused] Is this a bit?

Annie

Teach me how to understand Christmas

Jeff

Annie–

Annie

Bwain hurty understandy Chwsitmas

Jeff

Look, eventually you hit a point of diminishing returns on the sexiness.

Annie

What's a diminimuhmm... [Devolves into babbling]

Annie

Wow. They found a way to make the Human Being even creepier - covering him in icicles.

Shirley

I think it's festive.

Jeff

Yeah, my favorite Christmas tradition is trimming the Hellraiser.

Abed

Guys, I found something we can watch together for Christmas this year. The long-lost 1981 Inspector Spacetime Holiday Special. Run time two and half hours, and so critically reviled that after it aired, the creator had his knighthood revoked.

That sounds terrible. I want to watch it twice, but I'm spending Christmas with my relatives. Or rather, I'm spending the day with my relatives while they refuse to acknowledge Christmas.

Shirley

You Jehovah's Witnesses - so severe. Andre and I will be spending Christmas giving gifts to the more persuadable of our Jewish friends.

Annie

I wouldn't call an unannounced visit from your pastor "a gift." And don't bother this year, I'll be at the movies with my bubbe.

You're not taking both of them?

Annie

Well, one's dead.

What?!

Abed

I was looking forward to hanging out with you guys this Christmas. This semester has been so long and dark and angry. I was thinking we could have some light-hearted fun as a family.

Jeff

I think what we've learned, Abed, is that attempts to make the holidays brighter tend to give them a certain darkness.

Shirley

Oh, I don't know if I agree with that.

[singing] Deck the halls with boughs of holly

Shirley

...Actually, maybe I do.

[singing] Tis the season to be jolly

Merry Christmas, Greendale! Glee Club here, reminding you that our Christmas pageant is coming! Next stop, regionals!

Pierce

What the hell are regionals? They never stop talking about it.

[singing] Deck~

Please tell me we were not this obnoxious the year we filled in for them.

Annie

T-minus 5 seconds until the hip-hop remix. 4, 3…

[rapping] Come on!

Britta

You’re awfully quiet, Jeff. No one hates glee club more than you do.

Jeff

Today, I’m just content to sit back and enjoy the show.

And now, our pop music mashup…

…Elton Little John Lennon!

Hit it!

[rapping] Hey, tiny dancer!

[rapping] OKAY-!

Stop! Cease…and desist.

Jeff

Glee club, meet ASCAP, protecting musical copyright since 1914. It appears they have received an anonymous tip that unlicensed material has been performed here without the artist’s permission. Merry Christmas, everyone. Glee club just became history club.

Shirley

[singing] Jesus!

Britta

Oh, Jeff, thank God! They got Shirley; it's just you and me now! Jeff?

Jeff

[singing one long note] Aaaaaahhhhhh~

Britta

[screaming] AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Guys, I am swelling with pride! You stepped up, and you saved the Christmas pageant!

Jeff

And it's all thanks to you, Mr. Rad! I just hope we can repay you by making regionals!

Pierce

I thought this was regionals. Don't let my confusion undercut the importance.

Places, everyone!

I could not have done this without your recruiting skills, Abed.

Abed

I was happy to do it. For a while there, I thought we were gonna end the semester on a really dark note. I'm glad we're singing and dancing together instead. This has been a good time.

And it's going to continue to be a good time! If we win regionals, then it's straight on to sectionals! And then a week later is semis, then semi-regionals, then regional-semis, then national lower-zone semis!

Abed

Oh. But I kinda thought this was...you know, just for Christmas.

No, no, no! This is forever. This is what we do now. This is who we are.

Abed

Britta.

Britta

Is this about regionals?

Abed

I just talked to Cory, and he needs you to be the Mouse King instead of me.

Britta

Me? But I'm supposed to be a mute tree.

Abed

It's an emergency.

Abed

This will help us get to regionals.

Britta

I knew it! Wait, where are the lyrics?

Abed

They're in your heart, Britta.

Britta

Right! Duh-doi!

[singing] We are everyone

Britta

[singing terribly] Christmas tiiiiiime!

Dean Pelton

Oh, Britta's in this?

Britta

When's our culture gonna outgrow this wedding thing?

Annie

You're anti-wedding now?

Jeff

No, she's just pro-anti.

Britta

No to everything you both said! Weddings are like little girls' tea parties, except the women are the stuffed animals, the men are making them talk, and they're not drinking tea, they're drinking antiquated gender roles.

Jeff

Somebody tell Britta what an analogy is.

Britta

I know what it is. It's like a thought with... another thought's hat on.

Annie

Holy crap! Britta, you're really good at this!

Britta

[sadly] I know.

Annie

What's wrong with you?

Britta

This may shock you, Annie, but I come from a long line of wives and mothers.

Annie

Many do.

Britta

But I ran away from it my whole life. I refused to give Santa a Christmas list, because I didn't want to depend on any man for anything! And now, look at me! I'm Betty Crocker! I'm Martha Stewart! I'm one of the Steppenwolf wives! Ohh, God... [to Abed] I'm gonna make some man very happy someday...

Abed

Ooh, easy.

Slow down.

Annie

What's with you guys?

We de-whimsified ourselves.

Abed

We're normal now.

Annie

Oh. Good?

Hey, anyone seen Shirley?

Abed

What? Shirley late to the rehearsal? Oh my.

Hey, man. You don't have to be sarcastic.

Abed

I'm not being sarcastic.

We're heavily invested in your situation. Nothing's more important to us than your second wedding's rehearsal going smoothly.

...Walk away, man.

Annie

[to Jeff] Hey! Did you think of a toast?

Jeff

Well, yeah. Uh, I had a drink, and I looked into my heart, and here's what I got so far. "Webster's Dictionary defines"-

Annie

Stop, stop! "Webster's Dictionary defines"? That's the Jim Belushi of speech openings! It accomplishes nothing, but everyone keeps using it and nobody knows why!

Jeff

Yeah, well, it's all I got! That took me eight hours and sixteen Macallan neatses! Look, I'm sorry, I just don't believe in marriage.

Britta

I do. It's inevitable.

Dean Pelton

I don't know who told you pouting was an option for you, but all you're making me feel right now is hatred of Renee Zellweger.

Abed is a magical elf-like man who makes us all more magical by being near him.

Britta

[To Shirley and Pierce] I am not a whore, and not that I've done the math, but if I were, I'd be the super classy kind that gets flown to Dubai to stay in an underwater hotel.

Annie

[To Jeff] I thought I was representing the sisterhood. Thought I was teaching you a lesson about all the girls you dominate and then ignore. Not to waste your energy on some weird, cloying, hypersensitive stalker with a girl's name.

Hey! You are really mean.

Annie

Put it in a letter, Jane Austen!

Britta

[To Shirley and Pierce] Am I the only person enraged by the fact that corporations are taking human form? I totally predicted this in my high school newspaper column: Britta Unfiltered.

Pierce

Unfiltered. I get it.

Britta

Get what?

Chang has recruited a team of pre-teen security interns while moonlighting at a local bar mitzvah. They were later nicknamed the Changlourious Basterds. Like Inglourious Basterds, but with "Chang" instead of "in". I don't get it either.

Annie

One of the soldiers said they were making trophies out of mattress tags. This was as ugly as things could get... while still being a pillow fight.

Jeff

[voice-over] First entry in my stupid journal. Today I had to run and get two imaginary friendship hats from an office. I could have just walked around the corner and then come back, but for some reason I actually went all the way back to where they were supposed to be. One was crumpled up a bit. That was Troy's. The other was a little dusty. That was Abed's. I fixed them up, even though I was the only one watching, because I settled on a truth today that's always going to be true. I would do anything for my friends, which I think is how everyone in the world feels, which finally makes me understand war.

Annie

You two are bad friends! Bad!

That's unfair! What about you guys? You don't like our movie, we can't say the word "Blade", there's phones in the refridgerator - oops!

Annie

Troy, Abed!

Britta

LET ME SEE IF HE CALLED! I HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW! YOU'RE MONSTERS! YOU'RE HITLERS! YOU'RE RACIST PEDOPHILES! YOU'RE THE OPPOSITES OF BATMAN!

You don't know what that means!

Britta

I'M GONNA RIP OUT YOUR THROATS AND EAT YOUR-

Annie

Still think the lock was overkill?

No.

Annie

[imitating Troy] "There's phones in the refridgerator!" [to Troy] It's you.