Remember last week when I made you guys fill out those anonymous personality tests from my psych class?
Look, if you dropped them in another puddle...
S3 E5Horror Fiction in Seven Spooky Steps
Here we are, a log cabin I rented so we could be intimate in safety because it's not the fifties so we don't have to park our car and neck at expression point.
That makes sense, I'm turned on by how logical you are.
I'm no sociopath. I always know what I'm doing is wrong.
S3 E6Advanced Gay
[Pierce has decided to do a gay bash party for his new product]
Wow, Pierce, congratulations on meeting the minimum requirement for open-mindedness.
Yeah, I'm really proud of you, you're growing up as a person.
Oh, good grief, he's not supporting gay people, they're supporting him. If Mexicans were buying his wipes he would have ridden in on a donkey.
I can excuse racism, but I draw the line on animal cruelty.
You can excuse racism?
[Jeff walks into the hospital room]
Pierce, what the hell was that?
That was-
CCornelius
That was my boy, standing up for good ol’ Hawthorne values.
All due respect, sir, I have zero respect for you.
CCornelius
Typical Welsh nonsense!
But, Father, I-
Pierce, you really wanna be like this guy? He's wearing elephant bones on his head.
CCornelius
He will be what I tell him to be because I am his father!
Listen up, Colonel Cryptkeeper. I could live a million years and I could spend every minute of it doing important things. But at the end of it all, I would only have lived half a life if I had not raised a son. This was a gift that was handed to you. You squandered it. And the reason you have so much hatred in your heart is because you're trying to fill a hole where your kid was supposed to go, and now it's too late. Now, you're just stomping around trying to prove you exist. Well, mission accomplished! But here's a question I'd like to pass on to you from every son of every crap dad that ever lived: "So what?!" I'm done with you. He's done with you. The world is done with you.
[Cornelius promptly has a heart attack and collapses]
Come on in. He's a Hawthorne. This is what they do. He's bluffing.
[during Cornelius' funeral]
Pierce, listen, I just wanna say...
Did you know that the Canadian mallard is the only water fowl that bites his father's head off on his way out of the womb?
That is definitely not true.
I don't know. I looked it up on the Wikipedia.
Pierce, um... I just wanna say...you know...sorry for killing your dad.
Don't blame yourself; he bought a lot of his organs from questionable sources.
S3 E7Studies in Modern Movement
[To Annie] When you become roomates with friends, the things you love about them become the things that makes you want to smother them with a pillow.
TTroy
There are a couple of things we're hoping you'll help us with.
Yes. Like where does the water go in the iron?
TTroy
And what's the iron for?
And what gets out Kool-Aid stains?
TTroy
We already know the opposite color Kool-Aid doesn't work.
S3 E8Documentary Filmmaking Redux
[As Dean] Welcome to Dean-dale Community Colle-dean! I'm a silly goose. Honk honk! Dean-a-lee-doo! Look at me, this is my sister's outfit!
Jeffrey, stop. [Pause] You've hit gold. Save some for the screen.
The Dean had his seventh epiphany today, which has given me an epiphany of my own: the Dean is a genius. He has to be. If he isn't, then I've given almost two weeks of life to an idiot; that is unacceptable. Therefore, the Dean is a genius, and I will die protecting his vision.
Are you by any chance familiar with Stockholm syndrome?
Is it something that the Dean created? Because if not, I don't care.
[Jeff, wearing a bald cap, took up the role of Dean Craig Pelton for the commercial of Greendale Community College]
Pierce mistook me for the Dean today.
How did that make you feel?
I've become a stranger to myself. I'm bald now. I've always been bald. I merely dreamt of having hair, and now, the bald man is awake.
S3 E9Foosball and Nocturnal Vigilantism
Gentlemen, my name is Clarence Thaddeus Foos. My grandfather, Fletcher Morton Foos, invented this game for one purpose: to have the loudest, dumbest thing happen. Now, it has. The game of Foosball is completed. You're free to return to your undoubtedly hearing impaired families.
EGEuropean guy
Tell you what. We'll stop playing if you can score a point on us.
Tempting, but then wouldn't I be playing Foosball, if so how would I not be a loud, weird knob?
GGGerman guy
Free shot! I'm not even touching the Foosenshaft.
Sorry, Luftballons. I'm above it. [Turns away, then spins back and grabs the poles. The German guy scores a point]
GGGerman guy
I wish there was a word to describe the pleasure I feel at viewing misfortune.
What are you guys doing here on a Saturday night? Shouldn't you be making weird art movies or well-engineered cars?
EGEuropean guy
You take that back!
GGGerman guy
We came to play. Get away from our table.
We're using it, strudel-brain.
Nice.
GGGerman guy
Then play us for it.
Fine! Monday morning. Only let's make it interesting: the loser never gets to use this table again.
GGGerman guy
Oh you are so on that things have now become very much like Donkey Kong.
We're gonna kick das butt.
Nice.
Thank you.
GGGerman guy
Enough Teutonic punnery! Monday morning, you get this. [Kicks a soccer ball at Jeff like a Foosball-figure]
Were you guys walking around with a soccer ball just so you could do that? They left the ball and everything. I think they were literally walking around with it like a prop to use. It's like a $25 bit, and it's not even that good!
S3 E10Regional Holiday Music
Not liking Glee club doesn't make us bullies. And implying that is reverse bullying.
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