Columbo quotes

Oh, Doctor, I'm the patient's husband. Is she, is she alright?

I'm sorry. She passed away.

Did she...did she say anything?

If it's any consolation, the one thing she said was your name.

Lt. Columbo

I was wondering, Doctor. Would you take me on as a patient?

Take you on as a what?!?

Lt. Columbo

No, I mean it. Maybe you can help me. I don't know that-- There must something wrong with me. I seem to bother people. I seem to make them nervous and maybe you could tell me why.

You never stop, do you?

Lt. Columbo

What?

The insinuations, the change of pace. You're a bag of tricks, Columbo, right down to that prop cigar you use.

Lt. Columbo

Oh, come on, Doc.

I'm going to tell you something about yourself. You think you need a psychologist. Maybe you do, maybe you don't, but you are a textbook example of compensation.

Lt. Columbo

Oh, what, Doc?

Compensation. Adaptability. You're an intelligent man, Columbo, but you hide it. You pretend you're something you're not. Why, because of your appearance you think you can't get by on looks or polish, so you turn a defect into a virtue. You take people by surprise. They underestimate you. And that's where you trip them up.

You know, sometimes I get the impression you think I killed my wife.

Lt. Columbo

You? Oh no, Doc. How could you? You were out of town.

I'm glad you remembered that. Unless you think I hired someone to kill her. The boy who confessed, maybe I paid him to do it.

Lt. Columbo

No, Doc. You didn't do that.

How do you know?

Lt. Columbo

I already asked him.

Lt. Columbo

Uh, I'm sorry. I was, uh, I was just thinking about something.

What was that?

Lt. Columbo

No, it's nothing important. It's, uh, Dr. Flemming, he didn't call to his wife when he came back to his apartment.

I don't follow you.

Lt. Columbo

Oh, well, I was in the bedroom. I was checking some things and I heard him open the front door and he didn't say anything. Gee, it's funny how people are different, isn't it? Now you take myself. When I come home from a trip, uh, first thing I do is I say, "Honey, you here?"

[annoyed] Exactly what is your point, Lieutenant?

Lt. Columbo

Point? Well, I wasn't making a point.

Lt. Columbo

Mrs. Williams, you have no conscience and that's your weakness. Did it ever occur to you that there are very few people who would take money to forget about a murder? It didn't, did it? I knew it wouldn't.

Leslie

You know Columbo, you're almost likeable in a shabby sort of way. Maybe it's the way you come slouching in here with your shopworn bag of tricks.

Lt. Columbo

Me? Tricks?

Leslie

The humility, the seeming absentmindedness, the homey anecdotes about the family, the wife, you know.

Lt. Columbo

Really?

Leslie

Yeah, Lt. Columbo fumbling and stumbling along but it's always the jugular that he's after. And I imagine that more often than not he's successful.

Leslie

Lt. Columbo?

Lt. Columbo

Yeah?

Leslie

Thank you for straightening Margaret out. I appreciate it.

Lt. Columbo

Oh, it was the only thing I could do. I mean I just can't have you accused of murder on the wrong evidence.

Let's understand this one thing. If you start harassing this woman I'm going to take it upstairs.

Lt. Columbo

Um, just one minute, uh, Mr. Carlson. It's like this. This is not just a kidnapping. This is a murder now and I kinda figure that's my department. I'll see ya around.

Lt. Columbo

Did she ask where the body was?

No.

Lt. Columbo

I didn't think so. Oh, listen, one more thing, Mr. Carlson. She didn't ask how her husband was killed, did she?

No.

Lt. Columbo

That's what I thought.

Leslie

Now, when their attorney cross examines you about the accident, cry.

About what?

Leslie

Everything, especially when he asks you how fast you were going when you hit their car.

Lt. Columbo

Say, you know the soap you have in the bathroom, the ones shaped like little lemons?

Leslie

Yes.

Lt. Columbo

Well, I was almost afraid to use them.

Leslie

But that's what they're there for, Lieutenant, to be used.

Lt. Columbo

Well, if you don't mind my asking, when you use one and you put it back in the plate, how do you keep it from sticking to the others?

Leslie

It's a problem.

Lt. Columbo

That's what I figured.

Lt. Columbo

Hey, I'm sorry. I'm making a pest of myself.

Naw!

Lt. Columbo

Yes, yes, I am! I know, it's because I keep asking these questions, but I'll tell ya, I can't help myself. It's a habit.

Lt. Columbo

So you don't think I'm going to be able to find a cabin to rent, huh?

Best bet is to go down and check with some of the local real estate people.

Lt. Columbo

Uh huh. Because I think it would be fun to be neighbors for a couple of weeks.

[laughs] Yeah.

Now, wait a minute. You, you look like you're troubled. Is there some reason for your question?

Lt. Columbo

Uh, it's your mail.

My mail?

Lt. Columbo

Isn't it funny how people are different? Now, me, if I found my partner dead I'd never think of opening my letters.

But I-I-I just did it to distract myself. I mean you gotta remember one thing. That's a great shock.

Lt. Columbo

Oh, that's understandable. And bills are distracting.