Santini quotes from Columbo

Tell me, Santini, last month, before you left for New York, you didn't by chance break into this office and search through my effects?

What a silly question. Of course I did. And I stole your Manet, your Picasso, and got a lovely price for your Reubens. You know I didn't.

I thought not. It was dreadful of me even to, uh, suggest it.

Thank you.

Um, speaking of New York, uh, I take it that... [takes a wad of cash out of an envelope] ...this too is, uh, some sort of joke?

$5,000 is hardly a joke.

Come, come, dear friend, I've assimilated the rudiments of arithmetic. Your recent tour netted $100,000, fifty percent of which is...

Five percent of which is $5,000.

Five percent?

Mmm-hmm.

No, no, dear man, we've been over this before.

Jerome, I'm bored with your bleeding me. I'm afraid we're going to have to make a change in our little arrangement.

There are no changes...Sergeant Mueller. You see how the very mention of that name renders you completely helpless. You keep forgetting that I know who you are, and where you came from.

I was 21. I was merely a boy.

No one in the S.S. was "merely a boy", Mueller. No one in the camps was "just a boy". Unless he was being taken into the oven. Don't misunderstand me. If you push me, I will tell. The newspapers, the immigration service, The Israelis-- yes, the Israelis! Oh, how they'd love to get their hands on you.

I think not. I'm far too valuable to you.

You call that valuable?

Mmm-hmmm.

I'd do much better turning you in right now, while I still have the chance, before you break in here again, trying to find the old man's letter, and don't deny that it was you!

Jerome, you really are an animal.

You're lucky! I'm a businessman. When that old man recognized you last year, didn't I give you the money to keep him quiet? That was good business. And when he died and I realized that I was the only one who knew, well, that was very good business, too. That's why we're such a good team, you and I. You know, you do rather well, considering the circumstances. Certainly better than spending the rest of your life in an Israeli prison. I urge you to look at it realistically. Have the other $45,000 for me tonight before the performance, or believe me, it will be your last performance... anywhere. [as Santini gets up to leave, Jerome gives a Nazi salute] Heil Hitler! Have the money for me before the show.

You see, sir, we're stumped with the motive.

Do you have a suspect?

Lt. Columbo

Yes.

You do?

Lt. Columbo

We do. But we don't have a motive for you.

[as Columbo enters] Oh no.

What's the matter?

Someone I thought I'd seen the last of.

Do you think you could make him disappear too?

Splendid suggestion but in his case, I think rather doubtful.

Lt. Columbo

A letter addressed to the Department of Immigration and Nationalization that identifies you as a war criminal means opportunity and motive. It's enough to convict for first degree murder.

It's impossible. It's a trick and not a very good one.

Lt. Columbo

A trick? No, that's the letter.

Oh no, Lieutenant. No, you see, this letter was burned. [letter goes up in flames] So much for your letter.

Lt. Columbo

[dramatically pulls another letter from his pocket] There's the letter! I hope you were watching carefully. That's my best trick. Of course, I don't have your style but I get pretty good results.

And I thought I'd performed the perfect murder.

Lt. Columbo

Perfect murder, sir? Oh, I'm sorry. There's no such thing as a perfect murder. That's just an illusion.