A character in Clerks: The Animated Series
Voiced by Jeff Anderson
Clerks: The Animated Series · 38 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Clerks: The Animated Series: in 17 of its 38 quotes
Most scenes with: Dante (13), Leonardo (2)
[Randal addresses an all African-American jury of professional basketball players.]
RandalLadies and gentlemen of the jury, Dante Hicks is just like you: he looooves Grape Soda. He knows what it's like when the guy behind the counter won't take your "food stamps." He knows what it's like to wait all month for your "welfare check."
Don't you know?! He has returned!
RandalUh, oh.... Jesus?
[After Leonardo has just unveiled the newly constructed Leonardo Tower]
I find it hard to believe that no one noticed that either.
It looks like a big bong!
[A small dog walks by]
[pointing at the dog] Hey, that looks like a big bong, too!
For too long, the miserable corner store has been a haven for ludicrous price gouging, and rude, poorly-trained clerks.
You think he's talking about us?
RandalNo.
With names like 'Dante', and 'Handel'.
RandalRandal!
Today marks the dawn of a new era. I give you, the people of Leonardo - the future!
[Pulls rope, unveiling another massive building]
[Crowd is silent, except for an isolated cough]
...It's a new convenience store! Quick-ER Stop!...Eh? Yes?
[Crowd begins cheering]
This doesn't bode well for us.
RandalQuicker Stop...I don't get it.
Now that's the ugliest damn bong I've ever seen!
[Dante and Randal walking along a building by rope]
RandalWe're almost there.
[A flower pot falls horizontally and breaks]
Why are we walking like this?
[The camera turns revealing they were walking on level ground]
[Dante and Randal talking to Leonardo Leonardo regarding his newly built desk.]
What do you think of my desk? I made it myself. And I have all these pieces left.
It uh…looks great.
RandalIt's a piece of crap. It looks like it was built by a Re-Re.
What are you doing?!
Ah hah! It does, doesn't it!
RandalGood morning.
It's 11:59.
RandalStill technically the morning.
He's got you there!
[Flashback to when Dante and Randal were working in Ye Olde Quick Stoppe in England.]
Pack of fags.
RandalYou're a fag!
It's a cigarette, mate.
RandalI'm not your mate, fag!
[Randal jumps over the counter and tackles the customer. Back to present.]
Boy, it wasn't until years later that we found out what "fag" really meant. Right, mate?
Randal[shoves Dante] You're a fag!
No, a fag's a cigarette, remember?
Randal[shoves Dante again] You're a cigarette!
RandalLook how scared he is. He's shaking.
No, he's masturbating.
RandalYeah, but it's out of fear.
Owing to the recent lawsuit by Dustin Hoffman over alleged unofficial use of his likeness, the part of Dustin Hoffman in Randal's mental calculations will be played by... Al Pacino!
RandalOh my God, it's happening! Just like in that (AL PACINO) movie!
RandalShow us on the doll where they touched you!
Nobody touched me.
RandalWho was it? There's no hiding from your past! Who touched you?
I hate you.
[Randal calls Dante at 7:59 to tell him he can take care of the Quick Stop by himself.]
[sleepily] Just call if you need anything.
Randal[on the phone] Oh, like that'll happen.
[Dante hangs up the phone the clock turns to 8:00. The phone rings. Dante Picks up the phone and hears glass breaking and screaming.]
Hello?!
RandalUmm...hello.
What's all that racket?!
RandalThat's..the..TV.
I'm gonna burn this place to the ground and pee pee on the ashes!!
Oh my God, who's that?!
RandalThat...that's Regis.
Who are you talking to, BOY?!! [more glass breaking] Answer me!!!
Maybe he'll answer to this!
[chainsaw revs up and more screaming is heard]
Randal!
RandalMaybe you better get down here.
RandalHey, are you the biggest idiot ever?
No, you are.
RandalOkay, this isn't a dream then.
RandalThose rides are put together by junkies and alcoholics.
No they're not.
Do you guys sell Elmer's Glue and thumbtacks? We're trying to put together a Tilt-A-Whirl.
Do you guys sell black tar heroin?
No, and no.
Well, rubber bands it is.
I've gotta try Caitlin again. She's gonna think I stood her up!
RandalAh, the old "stand 'em up and make 'em think you couldn't care less about 'em". Randal's first rule of dating etiquette.
You haven't had a date in two years!
RandalRandal's second rule of dating etiquette.
I told you hating the Golden Girls would result in something like this!
RandalI regret nothing! Sic semper, Bea Arthur.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Clerks: The Animated Series pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
