Cheers · Season 5
I'd like to help with the doctor bills.
[Cliff looks at Sam.]
That's good.
[to Madeline] That's good.
Anything to help ease the burden on you and your family.
[Cliff looks at Sam again.]
You're not married.
[to Madeline] You're not married. [Sam taps Cliff on the shoulder.] I mean I'm not married. But I could be if I wanted to. Right, Sam?
Sure.
[to Lillith] Darling? Don't make yourself too beautiful I can hardly stand to look at you now.
[Diane and Lilith are in the bathroom.]
I should have done this earlier.
What are you doing?
[Frasier locks the bathroom from the outside]
What was that? [Tries door] Frasier what are you doing? Frasier the door seems to be jammed. Frasier?
Sam, open the door.
[Fraiser offers Sam a cigar]
Macanudo?
Don't mind if I do, thank you.
You know, I can't stand all this caterwauling, let's go upstairs. I've got all 13 episodes of I, Claudius on tape.
Great, I love gladiator flicks.
[Simon enters the bar and spots Frasier]
[sings] Three Little Maids from School are we.
[sings] Pert as a Schoolgirl well may be.
[sing] Filled to the brim with girlish glee, Three Little Maids from School.
Sam should I call the police?
No need for alarm Woody, we were in the spring musical at Oxford together. It was The Mikado. Simon was Pitti-Sing and I was Yum-Yum.
And a handsomer Yum-Yum I've never seen.
[Sam & Diane visit Dr Finch-Royce for the umpteenth time]
Doctor, there's still one thing you haven't considered...
[flustered] OK. Sam, Diane, you two are perfect together. I'm sorry I made a mistake before but you are the most perfectly matched couple ever. But, why am I telling this to you? Let's share it with the rest of the world. [shouts out the window] Hear this, world! The rest of you can stop getting married! It's been done to perfection! [gesturing to the furniture] Envy them, sofa, envy them, chair, for you shall never be as cozy as they for their union shall be an epoch-shattering success and I STAKE MY LIFE ON IT. Wait a moment, let me get this on record! [talks into his tape recorder] "I, Dr. Simon Finch-Royce, being of sound mind and body declare that Sam and Diane shall be happy together throughout all eternity and if I am wrong I promise I will take my own life in the most disgusting manner possible." Here, take the tape, NO, take the whole machine. It's my wedding gift to you. The most perfect couple since the DAWN of TIME.
[turns to Sam, beaming] See?
Oh Sam, it's never too early to start thinking of name for our children.
It is if you're thinking about the name Emil.
What's wrong with Emil?
A meal is something you eat. It's not something you name your kid.
The point is you've got to get to know each other better if you're going to take a big step like this. You gotta get past this early infatuation and get to the point where you're sick and tired of each other; then you're ready for marriage. Look at Diane and me, we waited five years to get married. If it were up to me we'd wait another five.
Norman, may I talk to you for a minute?
Yeah, sure. What's up?
You make me sick. You're a quitter, Norman! No, you're worse than that, you're a non-starter. You don't even try. You sit around the bar all day, you sit around your house all day, you sit around here all day, you sit around life all day! How are you going to feel at the end of your life when you're lying-no, make that sitting, on your death bed and you realize the only thing you've done in your life was sit around, and watch people do things, make things out of their lives? Well, maybe you're right, Norman. Maybe you're not meant for success, maybe you're meant for exactly what you are-nothing.
Diane, you have no right to say that to me.
Oh, Norman, I only said those things because I care about you.
You must care an awful lot about me.
Yes, I do. We all do. We're your friends, Norman, and we're all tired of seeing you give up so easily.
[After Thompkins steals Norm's proposal to the Board of Directors] Now now, Norman, you can't let this faze you, all right? You have to keep pushing. I know that this idea didn't succeed, but others will.
No no, Diane. Look, a few minutes ago, I almost made the biggest mistake of my professional life and it was because I was doing something that just wasn't me. I am not a go-getter, I've never been a go-getter, what's more, I don't even want to be a go-getter. I'm very happy right where I am. I'm so sick of all these people saying "Peterson, you gotta push", "You gotta get ahead", "You gotta make that goal". I don't even want to make the goal, Diane. I want to be a bench warmer. The world needs bench warmers. If there were no bench warmers, what would we have? Cold benches. A lot of cold benches and the world does not need that. You know something, I'm very happy with being an anonymous cog in this field of work.
Norman, I've never seen you so impassioned like this before.
That's because I believe in this, Diane. I'll tell you something else, Norm Peterson may be a motionless lump, but he's a damn good one.
You're just in time to see our masterpiece.
Should I alert Pauline Kael?
Well if you want to but tell her to get her butt in gear. We're about to start.
Hey Diane, shoot the damn film.
Would you tell Fellini, shoot the damn film? Would you tell Antonioni, shoot the damn film? Would you tell Bergman, shoot the damn film?
No, I'm telling you. Shoot the damn film.
Better yet, shoot the damn Diane.
That's it. We have always done things your way. I have bent over backwards to make you happy. I bought the ring you wanted. The china you wanted. The crystal you wanted. I even agreed to have a duvet cover on my bed. I don't know what a duvet is or what it's supposed to cover. When are we going to do something that I want to do?
May I remind you we're going to Disney World for our honeymoon.
Big deal. Who isn't?
I'm not ready to own a home. You got to work up to that.
Sammy's right. It's a big responsibility. You got lawns to mow. You got plumbing to fix, gutters to clean. Then every couple of years you've got to paint the entire thing from top to bottom. Honestly I don't know where Vera gets the energy.
Norm, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Yeah, I guess I should, shouldn't I? Well thank God I'm not.
Excuse me, young man. I'm Dr. Sumner Sloane. I'm looking for Diane Chambers.
Gee, I hope she's not sick.
No, I'm not a medical doctor. I'm in the literature department at Boston University where I occupy a chair.
Hey don't worry about it. That's all I did in school too.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Cheers pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
