Diane Chambers quotes from Cheers

Diane

[about her friend, Rebecca] Sam. That woman over there is a dear friend of mine. Now she is going through a very difficult period. So whatever she asks you, please, just say no.

Sam

[confused] What?

Diane

No.

Rebecca

[approaching Sam and Diane] Diane?

Diane

Yes?

Rebecca

Would you excuse us a moment?

Diane

Fine.

Rebecca

Would you object to joining me in my hotel room for a afternoon of wild animal passion?

Sam

[loudly so that Diane can hear] No!

Sam

What's your name?

Rebecca

Does it matter?

Sam

[loudly so that Diane can hear] No!

Diane

You're offended because she considered you nothing but a stud service?

Sam

No. I actually like that.

Diane

You know, Sam. If I am to serve both as a waitress and the butt of jokes I think I should make more money.

Carla

Yeah, what does a good butt make in this town?

Sam

[to Diane] We all know that you'd starve to death before you made a living with your body.

Diane

What could happen?

Sam

Oh nothing, oh nothing. Two women left alone who hate each other in a room filled with glass and alcohol.

Diane

Name calling, the last refuge of the monosyllabic.

Carla

I don't know what that means but I heard slob in there.

Coach

It's the damnedest thing. I've been shivering all the way over here.

Diane

Well, Coach, you don't have a coat on. It's 30 degrees outside.

Coach

Oh, thank god. I thought I had malaria.

Diane

Well, what I can't fathom is how one can drink ice-cold beer in freezing weather.

Norm

Cliff, explanation, please?

Diane

Now, how do you know he has one?

Norm

Five bucks says he does, ten says that it's a doozy.

Cliff

When the British ruled the Punjab...

Norm

Ten bucks, all the way.

Diane

[talking about how Sam was able to make the beer slide around the corner of the bar] Okay, how do you do it?

Sam

Well it's just one of my two hidden talents. The other one is just as impressive.

Diane

But you can hardly charge a buck for it.

Sam

When I played baseball, I mean I used to get quoted all the time. I mean, reporters used to hang around my locker just waiting for me to say something intelligent.

Diane

I know the feeling.

Diane

Sam, let's talk.

Sam

There's nothing to talk about.

Diane

It's important. Come back to the office now.

Carla

Uh oh. Sammy's in trouble with Miss Chambers again.

[chanting] Sam's in trouble with Miss Chambers, Sam's in trouble with Miss Chambers....

Sam

Listen before you came to work at this bar I never thought that much about morality and integrity. You made me aware of all that stuff for the first time.

Diane

Thank you, Sam.

Sam

That's why I'm firing you. You can leave your apron right there on the counter.

Diane

Did you ever have a pet?

Coach

You mean like an animal?

Sam

[about some gay customers] What do you think I should say to them?

Diane

Oh well, it's very very simple. Just walk up and say hello we're a group of sniveling bigots and we don't care for your kind.

Cliff

That's good.

Carla

[about gay men] I'm not exactly crazy about them. I mean I get enough competition from women. I'm tell you if guys keep coming out of the closet there isn't going to be anybody left to date and I'm going to have to start going out with girls. [looks at Diane] Ewww.

Diane

Carla, you don't have to worry about me. I like my dates a little more masculine than you. Not much but a little.

Sam

Would you just admit that you're hung up on me, dammit?!!

Diane

I am not!

Sam

You are too!

Diane

I am not!

Sam

You are too!

Norm

Please, please, do you think I would behave this way in your home?