Carla Tortelli quotes from Cheers

Cliff

You can call me a traditionalist, call me out of step with the times but I prefer to get my women the old-fashioned way.

Carla

In a plain brown wrapper?

Carla

Woody, you have been coming in here dressed in that ridiculous getup for three weeks now. When are you going to stop this nonsense.

Woody

Carla, as an understudy I have to be dressed and ready to go on at a moments notice. Putting on makeup like this can take hours but I wouldn't expect you to understand.

Carla

Why? Cause I'm not in the theater?

Woody

No, because you don't wear makeup.

Carla

[about Rebecca] Ah, well don't feel bad Sam. Just because everybody else got her something. The pretzel salesman, the beer distributor, the relief bartender, the guy she fired after one day.

Sam

Yeah, yeah. Wait a minute though. All those guys were just trying to get her into the sack.

Sam

I've got some shopping to do!

Sam

Hey Carla. I got a present for Rebecca.

Carla

[noticing the woman with Sam] I see you picked up a little package for yourself, too.

Sam

Hey, why not? I've been a good boy, and it's just what I asked for.

Carla

I am not gona wind up in your office,strapped to some tables with some electricity shots going through my head.

Frasier

Carla, thats not part of the therapy.

Carla

Oh yeah? What about Diane?

Frasier

Now look, I never treated Diane with any kind of shocks(to Sam) of course now I wish I had.

Carla

For the first time in my life when morning comes around I want to open up my eyes instead of my wrists.

Eddie

That's beautiful, honey.

Carla

We've still got something that Gary can't take away.

Norm

Our pride?

Carla

Hell no. We never had that.

Carla

I'd like to do something to Gary to make him really miserable.

Cliff

Why don't you marry him?

Rebecca

[about Sam] What does it mean when you can't turn on the horniest guy that ever lived? I am really getting old.

Carla

Rebecca, will you stop being ridiculous? You're still a young, beautiful, vibrant woman with her whole life ahead of her.

Rebecca

You're just saying that.

Carla

Yes, I am. I was taught to humor old folks.

Sam

You must be gettin' pretty excited.

Carla

Yeah, I thought that ice show would never get back to Boston. It has been tough. He [Eddie] misses me. The kids miss him. Not to mention that I happen to be at my sexual peak.

Sam

You've been there since you were 12.

Carla

When you find a place you like, why leave it?

Eddie

Hey, are the kids home? I haven't talked to them since I got back. I want to give them a call.

Carla

Oh yeah go ahead. Just make sure you identify yourself by name. Just saying "It's dad" leaves too much confusion.

Rebecca

The Globe's doing an article on women who run pubs and now he wants to take my picture. I really dread this.

Sam

Why?

Rebecca

Because I get so tensed up in front of a camera. All of a sudden I look like something the cat coughed up.

Carla

Oooh, can I have an 8x10 for my mantlepiece?

Rebecca

How about a 2x4 for your bridgework?

Sam

Sweetheart, I've handled trickier situations than this before. Remember the time I dated those lovely Henshaw triplets all at the same time.

Carla

Sammy first of all, that was back when you were drinking like a fish, and second of all, that was one chick.

Carla

Woody, you don't know what you're getting yourself into. I mean, those guys at Gary's are vicious. They could strip you naked, paint you red, and put you on a subway.

Woody

They wouldn't do that.

Carla

They did it to me. But I got the best of them.

Norm

How's that?

Carla

[laughing] I loved it.

Sam

Let me see here, Rebecca Howe all alone and scared in a big old house. Sounds to me like a job for Sammy's Security Company, we get in before the burglars do!

Carla

That's what I like about you Sam; your pants are always thinkin'.