Carla Tortelli quotes from Cheers

Diane

Dennis Kaufman is a brilliant puppeteer. He does a wonderful Punch & Judy.

Carla

He better have a wonderful punch, if he's going to dress like Judy.

Sam

I'll think of something.

Cliff

Skimpy outfits on the waitresses, Sammy.

Sam

That's not bad.

Carla

Wait a minute. I don't want people having a look at something I'm ashamed of.

Sam

You've got a lovely body.

Carla

[pointing at Diane] I was talking about hers.

Sam

I'll think of something.

Diane

Well I don't know what.

Sam

You don't have my brain.

Diane

Whoever has it should return it. You need it right now.

Sam

The Fraternal Order of the Caribou are sending a group over.

Diane

Great. Loud-mouthed, rowdy conventioneers. drinking like fish, swearing like sailors and putting their paws all over us.

Carla

Yeah, happy birthday to me.

Cliff

[to Janet Eldridge] I will deliver you the postal vote.

Carla

Yeah, too bad it will be to the wrong address.

Diane

[about Sam] I think he might be hurt by this liaison with Janet Eldridge.

Carla

Yeah you're right. He's havin' a lot of laughs and a hot time with a beautiful woman. The man is a glutton for punishment.

Norm

Are you in pain, Woody?

Woody

No, I was just thinkin'.

Norm

Yeah, the first time's always the worst.

Woody

Who do you think Sam's gonna propose to, tonight?

Carla

What're you babblin' about, Billy Bob Joe Jim?

Carla

Hey, Fitzie, thanks for that $20 tip last night. I don't want you getting the wrong idea about me.

Carla, I know that your favors are not for sale.

Carla

See, that's what I mean about the wrong idea.

Carla

Boy, I'll tell you it's hopeless. I have looked everywhere in the Boston area and I just cannot find a house in my price range.

Sam

What's the big rush? Your apartment's fine.

Carla

No, it's not. My kids get bigger, my apartment gets smaller. I don't know what it's like to be alone in the bathroom anymore. What's it like, Sam? Is it everything people say it is?

Sam

More. Much much more.

Carla

I knew it.

Norm

Have you checked out the rest of the place yet?

Carla

No, I thought it might be a good idea to have a beer first.

Norm

Yeah, I find that pretty much applies to everything.

Sam

You wore your socks in the tanning booth?

Cliff

Well I've got to be careful, Sammy. The Clavin men have feet like a baby's bottom.

Carla

With faces to match.

Diane

What could be more enjoyable than opening your heart with holiday cheer?

Carla

Opening yours with a can opener.

Carla

I've been plannin' my Elvis pilgrimage to Memphis for weeks and now Nick is backing out of takin' care of the kids. He says his appendix burst.

Sam

That seems serious to me.

Carla

His appendix bursts every time I need a favor.

Woody

If he was smart, he would have that removed.

Carla

[about Nick] He knows women like a jeweler knows jewels; like a meat-cutter knows meat.

Like a marine biologist knows Marines.

Carla

No way some guy like that ends up with me.

Sam

Will you stop cutting yourself short. You offer a lot of things to a guy.

Carla

Oh yeah, sure. Six kids, mortgage up to my ears, stack of bills, dead end job, and fallen arches.

Sam

You know, if I wasn't already engaged...

Sam

Hey Diane, shoot the damn film.

Diane

Would you tell Fellini, shoot the damn film? Would you tell Antonioni, shoot the damn film? Would you tell Bergman, shoot the damn film?

Sam

No, I'm telling you. Shoot the damn film.

Carla

Better yet, shoot the damn Diane.