Carla Tortelli quotes from Cheers

Woody

Who wants to see a rich boy get his butt whooped?

Carla

Wait a minute, I can't leave. If you're gonna fight, go fight in the back. But remember, you've got to bus your own blood.

Oh hi. I hope I'm not too late. I heard my boyfriend was coming here to fight that nice bartender.

Carla

Fight? I've had sneezes that lasted longer.

Rebecca

Well, everyone, you are looking at a winner.

Carla

You were the best kisser upper? Gee what does that trophy look like?

Sam

What kind of problem should I make up?

Carla

Well how about this, I once took one of my kids to the school psychiatrist and he said the kid had kleptomania.

Norm

Anything come of it?

Carla

Got a couple of pens and a leather appointment book.

Norm

Or you could try using my problem. I've always had this terrible fear of being a failure.

Carla

You are a failure.

Norm

Then I've licked it.

Norm

For God's sake. Are you still going on about your stupid vegetable?

Cliff

It's not my vegetable, Norm. It belongs to the whole world.

Carla

Aren't you vegetable enough for the world?

Sam

Carla, you hate your sister, don't you?

Carla

Sure, why?

Sam

What would I have to do to get the two of you back together again?

Carla

Simple, Sam. Ask me to come down and identify her body.

Cliff

You know it's quite remarkable. To float something as heavy as a wedge of lime, beer must have quite a high buoyancy factor.

Carla

So do your loafers.

Norm

Call me old-fashioned Cliff, but the only thing I like floating in my beer is my liver.

Frasier

Emotional crises can affect our sensory perceptions. Devastating. I've read volumes on hysterical blindness, loss of hearing, even total loss of speech.

Carla

Clavin had to pick blindness.

Frasier

Carla, you're not helping.

Carla

I'm not trying.

The men up in Canada well they just don't compare to you. They're just pale pathetic imitations of you, Cliff.

Carla

Boy that must be one butt ugly country.

Sam

On this day in Boston's History? Yeah so they run this column every day. It tells you what happened 10 years ago, 50 years ago. What are we looking for? The last time she [Rebecca] had sex?

Carla

No no no, this only goes back 100 years.

Rebecca

Why are you all so interested in my sex life?

Sam

Somebody has to be.

Carla

I told you he was my husband. I had twins with Eddie.

So what? So did I.

Norm

Yikes.

Carla

At least mine don't give you warts when you touch them.

Carla

It's not fair. I swear I get all the disadvantages of being married and none of the perks.

Norm

Wait, there are perks?

Woody

My grandmother cleaned out her attic. Guess what she found?

Carla

Your grandfather.

Woody

No, he doesn't go in the attic.

Rebecca

I want you to tell me straight. How good are your kids at breaking and entering anyway? And do not brag about them just because you're their mother.

Carla

Well that depends, what kind of system are we talking about here?

Rebecca

It's a Triton 5000 Sonic with laser beams.

Carla

They're not that good. But feel free to call if you're ever trapped in a late model car. They'll have you and the radio out in 60 seconds.

Sam

We no longer think of ourselves as three individuals. We are three parts of the same machine, working together. Three people with one single purpose.

Carla

Not to drown.

Sam

All right, two single purposes; not to drown and win the race.

Norm

What about you know not getting all wet and getting all sick?

Sam

All right three single purposes.

Carla

How about buying the bar back?

Sam

Does anyone have a piece of paper?