Carla Tortelli quotes from Cheers

Carla

[about gay men] I'm not exactly crazy about them. I mean I get enough competition from women. I'm tell you if guys keep coming out of the closet there isn't going to be anybody left to date and I'm going to have to start going out with girls. [looks at Diane] Ewww.

Diane

Carla, you don't have to worry about me. I like my dates a little more masculine than you. Not much but a little.

Carla

Hey Sam, you want me to hang around until your date gets here.

Sam

No, you probably want to get on home.

Carla

Are you kiddin'? It's two a.m., my kids might be there.

Norm

How do you keep so trim, Carla?

Carla

Sex.

Coach

You mean sex is the greatest exercise.

Carla

Nah, I miss it so much I can't eat.

Diane

This is Heather Landon, my oldest friend.

Carla

Meet her this morning?

Carla

I know everything about you, Malone.

Sam

Yeah, right.

Carla

Your favorite color is blue. Your favorite hobby is sailing. And your taste in women is not what it used to be.

Sam

Right across the board. You do know me.

Carla

A lot better than you know me.

Sam

Yeah?

Carla

Yeah.

Sam

Your favorite meal is Chicken McNuggets. Your favorite hobby is drawing underarm hair on all the models in Vogue magazine. And your favorite movie is Lady and the Tramp and you always cry when they come to the part about the spaghetti.

Carla

I didn't think anybody knew that.

Sam

I'll tell you something else I know about you that you didn't think I knew.

Carla

What?

Sam

You go to Mass every Sunday.

Carla

Who squealed on me?!

Diane

I thought you were seeing someone.

Carla

His fingerprints grew back. He had to leave the country.

Carla

When I'm in charge of the bar I know what God feels like.

Norm

How's that?

Carla

It's like I'm in complete control of people's destinies. Yeah, I can make their drinks too strong so they get sick. Or I can water them down so they're payin' for nothin'. Or if I don't like their attitude I can spit in it.

Carla

I have a way with inanimate objects.

Cliff

Maybe you'd like to take a crack at Norm here.

Carla

Just so we can follow the fun, what's this fight about?

Diane

We're not fighting, Carla. We're merely discussing a little difference of opinion. Vodka rocks, two. I think Sam is a heartless mindless slack-jawed cretin and he disagrees.

Cliff

Sometimes I'm ashamed God made me a man.

Carla

I don't think God's doing a whole lot of bragging about it either.

Frasier

Carla, why do you keep building walls between you and everyone else?

Carla

Have you taken a good look at everyone else [in the bar]?

Frasier

Touché.

Sam

Is there anything I can do?

Diane

No. This problem is strictly between myself and Frasier Crane. Suffice to say, he insists on making mountains out of molehills.

Carla

He wants you to wear a padded bra?

Carla

Eddie's got an extra ticket to the RV show for tonight, Coach. How's that sound?

Coach

Terrific.

Carla

Well go ahead. I'll cover for ya.

Coach

Hot dog!

Carla

Some luck, huh Eddie?

Eddie

Well, I guess I'm not going to get a good night kiss.

Carla

You might if you're nice to him.

Carla

What a night. Two hundred bucks in tips.

Coach

What are you gonna do with all that money, Carla?

Carla

I am going to spend it all on my kids.

Coach

Good girl.

Carla

How many gunny sacks and one way tickets do you think it will buy?

Cliff

[about women] They're only good for one thing.

Carla

And for you, not even that.