Sam Malone quotes from Cheers

Rebecca

I think you guys should just call it off. I mean I think it's childish.

Sam

Excuse me. Childish? Sweetheart, this is bar versus bar. We will use any weapons available to us; water balloons, stink bombs, whoopee cushions, and fake vomit. Yes fake vomit. Now how childish is it?

Sam

Hey what's going on, Normie?

Norm

It's my birthday Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in it, and I'll blow out my liver.

I am being kicked out. Just because I am not a citizen and I have no job and I have no prospect for a job and I have no wish for a job.

Norm

Wait a minute. They can kick you out for that?

Sam

No, no relax. You were born here.

Norm

God bless America.

Carla

You've been with thousands of women over the years, right?

Sam

Yeah right.

Carla

How many cards do you get on Father's Day?

Sam

That doesn't mean anything.

Carla

Sammy sooner or later you're gonna have to face the possibility that whether you like it or not you might just possibly have a low sperm count.

Sam

You're fired!

Sam

Hey sweetheart, what do you think? If it's a boy we name it Sam.

Rebecca

Oh I don't know. You know I always thought that naming a child after yourself was saying you wanted them to grow up just like you, like the things you like, to act the way you do.

Sam

Okay, Sam it is.

Sam

Carla, good news. I've given a lot of thought and I decided to offer my employees a group medical plan.

Carla

Oh man, that's great Sammy. What changed your mind?

Sam

It's the right thing to do. You guys need it. You deserve it. It's important to you. Plus they passed some kind of law.

Rebecca

Oh Sam, he's so sweet. I don't want to hurt his feelings. What do you say when you break up with a woman?

Sam

I usually say, "I'll call you tomorrow."

John Hill

For the next three hours I need you and the rest of the Cheers' chimps to hold down the noise. Right now I'm entertaining 200 elderly women from the Daughters of the American Revolution.

Sam

Givin' ‘em a first-hand account, John?

John Hill

Very amusing. Sam, this vent connects directly to my dining room and often we can hear everything you say down here. So tell your mailman to go to that side of the bar if he wants to describe his fungal infections.

Norm

You know, I have to second that.

Woody

Actually, I was the best poker player in the entire metro Hanover area.

Cliff

Well, uh, you're in the city now, Woody.

Woody

Well I guess you do play different than a bunch of farm boys.

Sam

Oh, yes we do. Why don't you sit down, Woodrow?

Woody

Oh, thanks. Take it easy on me.

Norm

OK. What sort of game would you like to play, huh?

Woody

Well, how ‘bout, uh... "Five blind piglets and one full teat"?

Norm

What the heck kind of game is that?

Woody

That's where five city boys lose all their money. [starts dealing one-handed]

Are you with the groom's family?

Sam

I'm the best man.

I'd enjoy being the judge of that.

Sam

All we need is – uh, what – a little winning attitude, right? A little positivity. [to the Irish band] Hey, fellas, do me a favor. Play us a little something to get us in the mood.

[singing] "They broke into our Dublin home, the dirty English dogs. They took away my sister and they beat my Da with logs. Limey scum, limey scum, I toss a bomb and still they come." Everybody! "Limey scum, limey scum..."

Sam

That was the low point in my life. Never, ever, have I been naked and not had fun. I tell you it was degradation.

Woody

I thought we were a lot tighter the second show.

Paul

How am I ever gonna show my face in here again?

Norm

Paul, it's not your face that's burned into my memory.

Cliff

You know, I kinda found the whole thing, uh, quite exhilarating.

Norm

Exhilarating?

Cliff

I meant humiliating.

Carla

Well, I guess you can stay here for the night.

Sam

Yeah, yeah. Alright, thanks.

Carla

Look, Sammy.

Sam

What?

Carla

No matter what you hear, no matter how much I scream or call for help... do NOT open the bedroom door. Got it?

Ditto for me, too, Sam.

Sam

Oh, no no... [he leaves]

Sam

Hey, Cliffy. How ya doin'?

Cliff

Not well, Sam. Boy am I mad. I've never been this upset! Three words, fellas. Three words... "Dames is grief"!

Norm

Fighting with ma, huh?

Cliff

Oh and how. Seems like that's all we do anymore. You know, you'd think it'd be a perfect set-up: a mother and a grown son living in a one-bedroom apartment. But, no. Reality check, gentlemen! Life is not like the movies, I guess, huh.

Sam

I'm sure it'll all blow over, Cliffy.

Cliff

Oh, no way, Sammy; not this time. I tell you that broad's pushed me too hard - too hard, I tell ya! And it's about time I started pushin' back. She's just gone and created a monster, that's all. But this monster is not gonna lie in some tomb of ice, no siree. My anger will melt that ice so that I might rise up and... and crush the Tokyo of the buildings there beneath the talons of my animosity...

Frasier

[interrupts] Cliff. Cliff. We all appreciate how hard you're working on this metaphor, but we get the idea.

Sam

[on the phone with Rebecca] I'll be over as soon as I can. [hangs up] Shoot.

Woody

Who was that?

Sam

Ah, it's Rebecca; she's all upset. Your father-in-law invited her over to his place to listen to music tonight. She thought she was supposed to be his date; got all dressed up in a fancy dress. Turns out she's only there to tend bar.

Woody

How could she make that mistake?

Sam

Oh, come on, Woody. Put yourself in her position: you know, attractive guy asks you over to his place to listen to some music, wants you to wear a fancy dress... you'd go wouldn't you?

Woody

Oh, no. No, my high school drama teacher tried that one on me. "Once bitten, twice shy," my friend.