Sam Malone quotes from Cheers

Sam

Hey, any of you guys tried that new steakhouse on Commonwealth?

Norm

No.

Sam

It's great. Beautiful waitresses in tiny little wench outfits.

Norm

Yeah, what did you have?

Sam

Beautiful waitress in a tiny little wench outfit. I'm going back too.

Lilith

I think your humor is expressive of a hidden hostility toward Rebecca. Or perhaps deep down you fear she really is capable of taking this bar from you.

Sam

Put a suit on a woman and she thinks she's God.

Lilith

Frasier, are you going to let him talk to me like this?

Frasier

She's also this way when the suit comes off, Sam.

John Hill

My hat check girl is missing from her post. You haven't perchance seen her?

Sam

What's that supposed to mean? Every time something goes wrong in your restaurant it's my fault. Like I'm the one who's supposed to keep track of your employees. You know that really ticks me off.

Sam, I can't get the sofa bed to fold back up.

Rebecca

[about the former pool room] It's a tearoom.

Sam

Thanks for not making me guess.

Rebecca

So what do you think?

Sam

You want my honest first impression, my gut reaction?

Rebecca

Yes, I do.

Sam

I hate it. I hate it! I hate it!!

Sam

What just happened here guys?

Norm

Well you got shot down, Sam.

Sam

You know you read about those things but you never think they're going to happen to you.

Sam

Hey, this had been driving me crazy. I got to know something Paul.

Paul

What Sam?

Sam

I'll try to put this as delicately as I can because you're my friend and I like ya and I don't want to insult ya. Why would any girl be caught dead with you when she could be with me?

Paul

You thought that would offend me?

Sam

I'm serious. What did you do? Slip her a mickey or something?

Paul

Well since you asked me so nicely Sam, I'll tell ya. Paula is what we like to refer to as a chubby chaser.

Sam

You're kidding. You mean she like to go out with guys who are uh...

Paul

Portly Sam. The word is portly.

Sam

Say Carla, I'm babysitting tonight. You got any advice for me?

Carla

Sure. Here's everything you need to know about babies. Remember you're the boss. Don't let them give you any lip. And if they start to act crabby stick a bottle in their mouth.

Sam

Great, okay, good.

Okay I'm ready.

Carla

Here's everything you need to know about customers. Remember you're the boss. Don't let them give you any lip. And if they start to act crabby, just stick a bottle in their mouths.

Sam

Do you think guys have a biological clock? You know like they know it's time to have a kid.

Carla

Oh yeah. Usually when they say, "Hey Carla, you want to go out tonight?"

Frasier

Sam, your whole life has been a string of meaningless albeit enjoyable sexual encounters. Now for the first time you're engaging in a meaningful productive pursuit. It's a common conflict between what we call recreational sex and procreational sex.

Sam

What?

Frasier

Oh, dirty sex and clean sex.

Sam

Woody, we're out of here. You're in charge of the bar.

Woody

Why bother, Sam? Whenever you put me in charge nobody every listens to me. I just get laughed at and get drinks poured over my head.

Sam

If anyone does that to you, you just sic Carla on them.

Woody

I'm talkin' about Carla.

Rebecca

Oh shoot. It's a minus. I'm not pregnant. Well we only started trying last night. I guess we can't expect to get pregnant the first time.

Sam

I thought that's what the fourth and fifth times were for.

Norm

Fifth time? Imagine that.

Cliff

I'm only up to three.

Carla

Sam, I'm gonna read your mind. Okay, think of something.

Sam

Right now?

Carla

Yeah.

Sam

Okay.

Carla

You're thinkin' about your car.

Sam

Nope.

Carla

You're thinkin' about some babe.

Sam

Nope.

Carla

Wait a minute. Give me a minute. I can do this. Just give me a chance. You're thinkin' about your hair.

Sam

Nope.

Carla

Come on, Sam. That's everything you ever think about.

Rebecca

I think I figured out why you haven't been able to give me a baby.

Sam

What makes you think it's my fault?

Rebecca

Well I've been doing some reading and I think I know what the problem is. You wear bikini briefs, don't you?

Sam

Sweetheart, I know the light's usually off but I do take them off.

Rebecca

I am not going to have a baby until I'll know I'll be a good parent.

Sam

Taking care of Carla's kids is not going to prove you're a good parent. It just proves you can survive in the wild.

Frasier

People. People. We cannot impose our own moral belief systems on these two.

Sam

Yes, thank you very much.

Frasier

The real question is, will they make responsible parents?

Rebecca

That's right.

Frasier

And the answer is an emphatic no.