Sam Malone quotes from Cheers

Woody

[Terri] sounds like the perfect roommate. But I don't know. The thought of having a girl for a roommate, well I've got a real problem with that.

Norm

Your girlfriend wouldn't understand, huh?

Woody

Now I've got two problem.

Sam

I get it. Your mom would disapprove.

Woody

Make that three problems.

Frasier

What? Do you have religious scruples?

Woody

Oh great four problems.

Sam

What was your original problem?

Woody

Well I like to sit on the couch and leave the top button of my pants undone after a good frozen meal.

Rebecca

I cannot believe that Robin would use me like this.

Sam

Yeah I know. He seems like such a decent guy. It's not like he ever, you know, cheated on any of your friends on a business deal. No, no actually he did, didn't he? Well at least you never caught him with another woman. Oh shoot that happened too. Well maybe this is the very last bad thing he does. Yeah that's it.

Rebecca

Gee Sam, you think so?

Carla

I know how we should celebrate. Why don't you just take me right on top of the bar like you did in the old days?

Sam

I never did that.

Carla

Then who was that guy? Oh that was the manager of the bar where I worked before this. Hey can anyone give me a ride to The Broken Spoke?

Carla

Wait a minute, Sammy. Look. Rebecca just said she was leaving here and never coming back.

Sam

Yeah.

Carla

Oh man, this is terrible.

Frasier

What?

Carla

Sammy finally struck out for real.

Sam

What are you talking about here?

Carla

We all knew it was taking a long time but we thought that eventually you two would be doing the horizontal hokey pokey.

Norm

I guess that's it, huh? Lower the flag.

Carla

It's the end of an era.

Sam

Yup, I guess that's it.

Rebecca

This is about us.

Sam

What about us?

Rebecca

Sam, we have been friends too long to let it end this way. And I just came back to say that I'm sorry I ran out earlier in a huff. And that I knew you weren't coming on to me. And when you said I wasn't good that it wasn't just some trick to get me back into bed it was because you were being honest because I am a lousy lover.

Sam

No, sweetheart you're not.

Rebecca

Sam, it's alright. It's not like I haven't heard it before.

Sam

You're a fantastic lover.

Rebecca

I'm a dud and I know it. Robin just didn't realize it because he's English.

Sam

Listen. I wouldn't say you were good if you weren't.

Rebecca

No, no Sam that doesn't wash. You've been after me for three years and you finally got me. I mean if I was even adequate I know that you would've run out there and told every bozo in the bar.

Sam

You don't think I was dying to do that? It was making me crazy. It's just that I thought I would be betraying our friendship. I've never had a friend before.

Rebecca

You have lots of friends!

Sam

No, no I've never had a friend before.

Sam

What's with the getup?

Carla

It's Indian Summer, Sam. I need these clothes for protection.

Sam

Protection from what?

Carla

The eyes of men.

Sam

What are you talking about?

Carla

Every time I've conceived a kid it's been during Indian Summer. It's when I'm at my most fertile, Sammy. I cannot let any man touch me, talk to me, or see me or I'll be shooting out kids like a Pez dispenser.

Sam

We're sorry man. We feel bad because we know how much the Hungry Heifer means to you.

Norm

You don't know the half of it Sammy. I love the Heifer. I don't know what I'm gonna do without that place. It was like my home away from Cheers.

Lilith

Do you make a drink for failures here at Cheers?

Sam

Hold on a second. Phil, what do you drink?

A Manhattan.

Sam

Manhattan.

Woody

It's just a small part in a commercial, but I don't know if I can pull it off.

Norm

What do you play?

Woody

A bartender.

Sam

Woody, you are a bartender.

Woody

But in this commercial, I have to serve drinks.

Sam

Woody, you serve drinks all the time.

Woody

But I have to talk and serve drinks.

Sam

You talk and serve drinks everyday.

Woody

Now you've made me nervous about working here.

Sam

[Frasier] left here pretty angry. I keep calling the house. The machine keeps picking up.

Carla

Oh, Lilith answers?

Sam

I'm Sam Malone by the way.

Oh! I've heard about you in France.

Sam

Oh, you follow baseball?

No. Stewardesses.

Sam

How's your love life? I mean the physical part?

Woody

I can't speak for Kelly but I'm looking forward to it.

Sam

You're telling me that you and Kelly haven't slept together?

Woody

Well, we did once when we went to see Old Gringo, but the whole row was snoring.

Sam

Well, I think this may be your problem, Wood?

Woody

I always figured we'd wait until after we were married. That's the way everybody in Hanover does it, except for that couple that teaches art at the high school.

Sam

[Valerie's] really nice, isn't she Wood?

Woody

She's really nice, sweet, warm, and wonderful. You know back in Hanover, me and my brother used to have a name for a girl like that.

Sam

What was that?

Woody

Mom. By the way, Sam, if I ever catch you anywhere near my mother you better pray God takes you before I do.

Sam

Are you drinking again?

Rebecca

Certainly not. I never stopped.

Sam

So you want to talk? Is this about getting married tomorrow? Are you getting cold feet?

Rebecca

Certainly not. I am perfectly prepared to marry Robin and spend the rest of my life wth him. I'm just not particularly looking forward to it.

Sam

You know I don't get that. All you've done the last two years is talk about getting married to this guy.

Rebecca

Well I'll tell you. It is one thing to love somebody who's serving time for you. It's another thing serving time with them.

Sam

Guys listen up for a second please. When Rebecca comes in she's probably not going to be feeling too good so just take it easy on her. All right?

Norm

What's the problem, Sam?

Sam

She called off the whole wedding.

Carla

Get out.

Sam

I went over there last night. She was a real mess. She was clear about one thing. She doesn't love [Robin] and there's no way she's gonna marry him.

Norm

Yeah Sam, she's in agony.

Lilith

Ordinarily Sam, people don't deal with depression by putting on a wedding dress and acting giddy.

Carla

Except maybe Clavin.