Sam Malone quotes from Cheers

Rebecca

Your husband came onto me at a local bar.

Do you mean he propositioned you?

Rebecca

Well he didn't exactly proposition me.

Well what exactly did he do?

Rebecca

He asked me about my feelings.

That is his field you know.

Rebecca

That isn't all he did. He rubbed my leg with his disgusting foot.

Sam

[to maid] She never gets tired of telling this part.

Frasier

Perhaps your dreams are trying to tell you about something too frightening for your waking mind.

Sam

Like what?

Frasier

Like you care. You care about Rebecca.

Sam

Oh come on, Frasier. You know me. How can I care about her? We haven't done the main thing that I care about.

Frasier

Forgive me, Sam. I forgot about your high moral standards.

Lilith

You mean to say, you can't care about a woman unless you sleep with her first?

Sam

Well, yeah.

Sam

Hey Rebecca, can I work the next shift? I need the overtime.

Rebecca

Sam look, I know what you're trying to do here but forget it. It's going to take you the rest of your life to save enough money to buy Cheers.

Woody

Hey if Sam says he can do it, he can do it. We have faith in you Sam. Cheers is gonna be yours. I just hope I'm still alive to see it.

Sam

On this day in Boston's History? Yeah so they run this column every day. It tells you what happened 10 years ago, 50 years ago. What are we looking for? The last time she [Rebecca] had sex?

Carla

No no no, this only goes back 100 years.

Rebecca

Why are you all so interested in my sex life?

Sam

Somebody has to be.

Sam

[about his beard] So you really think it looks sexy, huh?

Rebecca

Oh yes, Yasser Arafat always makes me hot!

Sam

We no longer think of ourselves as three individuals. We are three parts of the same machine, working together. Three people with one single purpose.

Carla

Not to drown.

Sam

All right, two single purposes; not to drown and win the race.

Norm

What about you know not getting all wet and getting all sick?

Sam

All right three single purposes.

Carla

How about buying the bar back?

Sam

Does anyone have a piece of paper?

Carla

Sammy, blind me with you beauty. What's with the fashion statement?

Sam

I had to look good. I had a meeting over at the corporation about buying Cheers.

Cliff

How'd it go?

Sam

I talked them into it. They're going to sell me the bar back. [Everyone cheers] I'm not out of the woods yet. I've got to raise a little bit more capital. I have to find myself a few investors. [Frasier, Norm, and the ride side of the bar move away] No not you. I'm talking about people with real money.

Norm

What's the matter, Sam? Our money's not good enough for you?

Sam

That's right.

Norm

Okay, for a second there I was offended.

Sam

Do me one favor, will ya.

Rebecca

Sure, what is it?

Sam

Go to bed with me.

Rebecca

Oh Sam, you never stop.

Sam

I'm sorry. It's in my genes.

Rebecca

That's where it's gonna stay.

Sam

Rebecca and Robin started making out in the back of the limo. So I offered to do the gentlemanly thing.

Cliff

What's that?

Sam

Let them dump me out on the railroad tracks.

Carla

Oh man. That Colcord is a real jerk.

Sam

Yeah, he just pulled over and let me out.

Carla

He stopped the car? So what are you whining about?

Woody

Hey Sam, can I ask you something?

Sam

Another etiquette question?

Woody

Yeah last one. What do I do if Kelly's mom tries to go to bed with me?

Sam

Kelly's mom? I'm shocked and more than a little impressed.

What about a friendly game of pool?

Sam

No, I never like to nail a guy twice in one afternoon.

Carla

You haven't lived.

Woody

Dr. Crane says if I can get undressed a little at a time in a place where I feel safe and secure pretty soon I can get naked anywhere.

Sam

Makin' progress huh Wood?

Woody

[now shirtless] You bet. I'm still scared, cold, and self-conscience. That's all I'll get out of it. But I did pick up an extra $50 in tips.

Woody

So, tonight, when I got out in front of that audience, I ripped off every stitch of clothing. I looked around and I thought, "Why am I the only one who's naked?"

Sam

Well, maybe nobody noticed, Wood.

Frasier

Oh, they noticed, Sam.

Woody

As if that wasn't bad enough, I heard this high-pitched scream from the audience, "Hey, look! He's the only one who's naked!"

Norm

Sorry, Woody. It took me by surprise.

Sam

What are you up to Norm?

Norm

My ideal weight if I were 11 feet tall.

Woody

Gary's just playing with us, like a rat and mouse.

Sam

That's cat and mouse, Woody.

Woody

Sam, a cat and mouse don't play together. They're mortal enemies. They don't even know the same games. Think before you speak, Sam.