Buffy the Vampire Slayer · Season 4
Faith [in Buffy's body, about Faith]: Well, could be things are looking up. I mean, a little stint in the pokey. Show her the error of her ways. I'm sure there's some big ol' Bertha just waiting to shower her ripe little self with affection.
Buffy.
[in Buffy's body] I'm sorry, Mom. It's just, when I think about how she might have hurt you, I just... I can't stand it.
You know why I really hate you, Summers?
[in Buffy's body] 'Cause I'm a stuck-up tight-ass with no sense of fun?
Well, yeah. That covers a lot of it.
[in Buffy's body] 'Cause I could do anything I want and instead I choose to pout and whine and feel the burden of Slayerness. I mean, I could be rich, I could be famous. I could have anything. Anyone. Even you, Spike. I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you pop like warm champagne and you'd beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don't? [mockingly] Because it's wrong.
I get this chip out, you and me are going to have a confrontation.
[Buffy tries to convince Giles she truly is Buffy, despite being trapped in Faith's body.]
Buffy [in Faith's body]: Giles, you turned into a demon and I knew it was you. I mean, can't you just look into my eyes and be all intuitive?
How did I turn into a demon?
Buffy [in Faith's body]: Oh! 'cause, uh... Ethan Rayne! And you have a girlfriend named Olivia, and you haven't had a job since we blew up the school - which is valid, lifestyle-wise. I mean, it's not like you're a slacker type, but... Oh, oh! When I had psychic power, I heard my mom think that you were like a stevedore during sex. Wh-Do you want me to continue?
Actually, I beg you to stop.
Buffy [in Faith's body]: What's a stevedore?
[Faith, in Buffy's body, enters the church where three vampires are holding the parishioners hostage.]
I told the cops, they send anyone in, I start the whole massacre thing.
[in Buffy's body] Well, I'm not the cops. I just came to pray.
Now's a good time to start.
[in Buffy's body] You're not going to kill these people.
Why not?
[in Buffy's body] [earnestly this time] Because it's wrong.
You're the Slayer.
[in Buffy's body] The one and only.
You fear death. Being immortal, you fear it more than those to whom it comes naturally. Vampires are a paradox.
Okay, we're a paradox. That's cool.
Demon in a human body. You walk in both worlds and belong to neither. I can relate.
[Buffy tries to convince Giles she truly is Buffy, despite being trapped in Faith's body.]
[in Faith's body] Giles!
God!
[in Faith's body] Don't move. Okay, Giles, you have to listen to me very carefully. I'm not Faith.
Really?
[in Faith's body] Really.
'Cause the resemblance is striking.
[in Faith's body] I know, Giles. You just have to... Stop inching. You were inching.
Look, I-I know what you're gonna say, and-and, uh...
[in Faith's body] I'm Buffy.
All right, I didn't know what you were going to say, but that doesn't make you any less crazy.
[in Faith's body] Faith switched. I mean, she had some device. She switched our bodies. Giles, I swear... it's me.
Um, if-if you are Buffy, then, uh... then you'll let me tie you up without killing me, um, until we find out whether you're telling the truth.
[in Faith's body] Giles, Faith has taken my body, and for all I know, she's taken it to Mexico by now. I don't have time for bondage fun. Ask me a question. Ask me anything.
Who's president?
[in Faith's body] We're checking for Buffy, not a concussion.
Oh, yes, right. Um...
[in Faith's body] Oh, this is... Giles, you turned into a demon, and I knew it was you. I mean, can't you just look into my eyes and be all intuitive?
How did I turn into a demon?
Buffy [in Faith's body]: Oh, 'cause, uh, Ethan Rayne. And-and you have a girlfriend named Olivia, and you haven't had a job since we blew up the school, which is valid lifestyle-wise. I mean, it's not like you're a slacker-type, but... Oh, oh! When I had psychic power, I heard my mom think that you were like a stevedore during sex. What...? Do you want me to continue?
Actually, I beg you to stop.
Buffy [in Faith's body]: What's a stevedore?
All right, let's... um, I need you to explain everything.
[in Faith's body] And I will after we get Faith.
She's gone. Not a trace. Giles said the Council guys have cleared out, too.
I don't understand. How could she have... I mean, how's it possible?
Magic.
I knew there was something. I should've picked up on it. I mean, I should have just...
You slept with her.
I slept with you. Man, would I like to get my hands on her. Not in a sex way.
I don't think she's coming back.
Guess she's had her fun.
Yeah. Fun.
But someone could wish the whole world to be different, right? That's... possible?
Sure. Alternate realities. You could, uh, could have, like, a world without shrimp, or with, you know, nothing but shrimp. You could even make, like, a freaky world where Jonathan's like some kind of not-perfect mouth-breather, if that's what's blowing up your skirt these days. Just don't ask me to live there.
I'm not entirely sure that we can trust our memories. Anya, tell them about the alternate universes.
Oh, okay. Say you really like shrimp a lot or we could say you don't like shrimp at all. "Blah, I wish there weren't any shrimp" you'd say to yourself-
Stop! You're saying it wrong. I think that Jonathan may be doing something so that he's manipulating the world and we're all, like, his pawns.
Or prawns.
Stop with the shrimp! I'm trying to do something here.
Giles, do you have a Jonathan swimsuit calendar?
No... Yes... it was a gift.
I wasn't exactly pining for a noisy visit from Wonder Jonathan and his fluffy battle kitten.
[At Giles' place. Riley pages through a spellbook.]
These spells, they really work? I mean, can you really turn your enemies inside out? Or... learn to excrete gold coins.
That one's not so much fun.
They work, Riley, but they take concentration. Being attuned with the forces of the universe.
Right, you can't just go librum incendere and expect --
[The book catches on fire; Xander closes it rapidly.]
Xander, don't speak Latin in front of the books.
I wish you'd get rid of that body. The smell's making me hungry.
You wouldn't want it. It had a blood disease. He didn't know it, but it would've been dead within the year. Human sense so little of what they carry inside.
Huh. All right. Well, you're the evil messiah guy, so... Oh, hey, there's something new in town. Yeah, attacked a girl, 'caused a little fuss. Oh, he was there. [chuckles] Jonathan.
Jonathan. Tell me, who is he?
[chuckles] You're joking, right? Jonathan is... Jonathan! Look!
[He points at Jonathan getting celebrity attention on various TV shows]
These are lies. None of this is real. The world has been changed. It's intriguing, but it's wrong.
Feels okay to me.
You're under his spell, just like the others. I seem to be the only one who's not.
Really? Well, what makes you so special?
I'm aware. I know every molecule of myself, and everything around me. No one, no human, no demon, has ever been as awake and alive as I am. You're all just shadows.
Oh... So, what do-what do you do now? Hey, you could kill Jonathan. Well, or, you could try. The guy's, like, a dynamo of action.
I don't need to do anything. These magics are unstable, corrosive. They will inevitably lead to chaos. And I am interested in chaos.
[When Buffy and Riley are attacked by a vampire-demon tag-team.]
Okay, you get Fangs, I'll get Horny. I mean...
Buffy and Riley are trapped.
So? She's a Slayer, he's a big soldier boy. What do they need you for?
Anya, look around: there's ghosts and shaking and people are going all Felicity with their hair. We're fresh out of super-people and somebody's gotta go back in there. Now, who's with me?
I am. I know I'm not the first choice for heroics, and Buffy's tried to kill me more than once, and I don't fancy a single one of you at all, but... Actually, all that sounds pretty convincing. [walks off.] I wonder if Asian House is open.
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