Buffy the Vampire Slayer · Season 4
I'm going to the crime scene to see what I can find out. You guys research the Polgara demon. I want to know where it is. When I find it, I'm going to make it pay for taking that kid's life. I'll make him die in ways he can't even imagine.
[uncomfortable pause]
That probably would've sounded more commanding if I wasn't wearing my yummy sushi pajamas.
[about Adam] I could barely fight him. It was like Maggie designed him to be the ultimate warrior. He's smart and fast, he gave the commando guys the slip with no problem.
There's gotta be a flaw.
I think the part where he's pure evil and kills randomly was an oversight.
Seems pretty quiet.
Buffy It usually is this time of--
Buff, maybe you should check the look later.
Shh!
Ow! What'd you do that for?
Sorry, I'm the only one that can pass the retinal scan.
The-- Ew! I don't wanna see that.
Retinal scan, Xander. Well, we'll know in a few seconds if my clearance is still good.
Or if we're about to die at the hands of 50 grief-fueled military goons. Why am I not entirely comforted by the arrival of the man-size microwave?
Holy moley!
I know.
I totally get it now. Can I have sex with Riley, too? Quick, pretend to make out with me!
What? What are you talking about?!
Well, I, uh... You know, in the movies, the guy and the girl have to hide.
Please. Could you possibly draw more attention to us? This is the Initiative, Xander. Military guys and scientists do not make out with each other.
Well, maybe that's what's wrong with the world. Ever think about that?
[Buffy, Willow, and Anya are watching Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner in bed in Xander's Basement]
That would never happen.
Well no, Buff, that's why they're called cartoons, not documentaries.
Must we have the noise? My head is splitting.
Well, look who's cranky bear in the morning.
Yes, I can't imagine why I didn't sleep well in my beach ball.
Everytime you moved, it make squeaky noises. It was irritating.
Really? I'm surprised you could hear it over your Wagnerian snoring.
Okay, you guys. Could we not, please? Everything's screwed up enough without you two doing scenes from my parent's marriage.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Thank you.
It'll be okay, Buffy. Riley's just confused, that's all.
I don't know. Just seems like things could get heavier. His whole world's falling apart.
And after everything you've been through with Angel. You know, you really sould get yourself a boring boyfriend, like Xander. You can't have Xander.
That was the idea. Riley was supposed to be Mr. Joe Guy. We were gonna do dumb things like hold hands through the daisies, going "Tra-la-la."
Poor Buffy, your life resists all thing average.
So dump him. But you can't have Xander.
I'll try and remember that. It's too late, anyway. I'm already at the "I hurt when he hurts, I smiles when he smiles" stage.
I hate that part.
I'll just have to make it work.
Turn on the TV. Now!
Sunnydale is still reeling from news of the crime. A source in the coroner's office tells us that the boy was stabbed with what looks like some kind of large skewer, and his body was then mutilated. Police have not named a suspect, and the killer is still at large.
The Polgara demon had a skewer in its arm. That's the one that Maggie insisted we bring back alive.
She must have sent it after you.
And it got distracted. God.
Buffy, it's not your fault. How could you know?
She's right. You mustn't blame yourself.
I'm not going to. I'm going to the crime scene to see what I can find out. You guys research the Polgara demon. I want to know where it is. When I find it, I'm going to make it pay for taking that kid's life. I'll make him die in ways he can't even imagine. [uncomfortable pause] That probably would have sounded more commanding if I wasn't wearing my yummy sushi pajamas.
I've been thinking about the world. I wanted to see it, learn it. I saw the inside of that boy, and it was beautiful, but it didn't tell me about the world. It just made me feel. So now... I want to learn about me. Why I feel. What I am. [drops down from his platform] So I came home. [inserts a disk into the drive in his chest] I'm a kinematically redundant, biomechanical demonoid, designed by Maggie Walsh. She called me Adam, and I called her mother.
Adam, Maggie would want you to stand down.
Yes... but I seem to have a design flaw.
I've been looking for you.
Been standin' still for eight months, B, how hard you look?
Faith, these are innocent people.
No such animal.
I kept having this dream; I'm not sure what it means. But in the dream, this self-righteous blonde chick stabs me, and you want to know why?
You had it coming.
That's one interpretation, but in my dream she does it for a guy. [Willow starts to sneak up behind Faith and is about to hit her with her backpack] Try it, Red, and you lose an arm. [Willow backs off] I wake up to find that this blonde chick isn't even dating the guy she was so nuts about. I mean, she's moved on to the first college beef stick she meets. And not only has she forgotten about the love of her life, she's forgot about the chick she nearly killed for him. So that's my dream... that and some stuff about cigars and tunnel. But, uh, tell me college girl, what does it mean?
To me? Mostly that you still mouth off about things you don't understand. [Police sirens are heard] Uh oh, I guess somebody knows you're here [Faith hits Buffy]
You don't know the first thing about Buffy. Or me.
Don't I? I know what it's like. You think you matter. You think you're a part of something and you get dumped. It's like the whole world is moving but you're stuck. Like those animals in the tar pits. It's like you just keep sinking a little deeper everyday and nobody even sees.
[sounding bored] Were you planning to slit my throat anytime soon?
Don't tell me you don't see it, Joyce. You served your purpose. You squirted out the kid, raised her up, and now you might as well be dead! I mean, nobody cares! Nobody remembers! Especially not Buffy-fabulous-super-hero! Sooner or later you're gonna have to face it. She was over us a long time ago, Joyce. [voice rising to a shout] Too busy climbing onto her new boy toy to give a single thought to the people that matter! I mean, you're her mother and she just leaves you here to die!
[Dives in through the window, punches Faith] Hi, Mom!
Hi, honey.
Spike.
What are you doing here?
Me? Hey, I'm not the one out of place here.
For your information, smarty, we've got a rogue slayer on our hands. Real psycho killer, too.
Sounds serious.
It is. What do you know?
What do you need?
Her, dark hair, yea tall, name of Faith, criminally insane.
Have you seen her?
Is this bird after you?
In a bad way. Yeah.
Tell you what I'll do then. I'll head out, find this girl, tell her exactly where all of you are, and then watch as she kills you. [sees the surprised looks on Giles and Xanders faces and sighs] Can any one of your damn little Scooby club at least try to remember that I hate you all? Just because I can't do the damage myself doesn't stop me from aiming a loose cannon your way. And here I thought the evening would be dull.
Go ahead! You wouldn't even recognize her.
Dark hair, this tall, name of Faith, criminally insane. I like this girl already.
[to Giles] We're dumb.
What did you tell him?
The truth, that she's my wacky identical cousin from England and whenever she visits, hijinks ensue.
It's good you guys have such an honest relationship.
No, I told him the story. I vagued-up a few bits but no flat-out lies.
That's fair. How'd you handle the Angel-y parts?
I did some editing. It's not that I'm trying to hide anything from Riley. It's... just that that's a longer conversation, and, I had a Faith hunt to do.
Any luck?
Couldn't find her. Don't know exactly where to place that in the luck continuum.
At least you're not alone on this. I'll bet every cop in Sunnydale is out there looking for her right now.
Pressure's definitely high. I'll tell you, if I were her, I'd get out of Dodge post-hasty.
You're not me.
So, check you out, B. Nice. The "big girl on campus" thing's really working for you.
I've been looking for you.
I've been standing still for eight months, B. How hard you look?
Are you all right?
Five by five. That's the thing about a coma-- you wake up all rested and rejuvenated, and ready for payback.
So much for pleasantries, huh?
What'd you think, I'd wake up and we'd go for tea? You tried to gut me, Blondie.
You'd have done the same to me if you'd had the chance.
So let's have another go at it, see who lands on top.
It doesn't have to be like this, you know.
Actually, I think it has to be exactly like this.
Faith, these are innocent people.
No such animal.
I guess it was too much to hope that you'd use your downtime to reflect and grow.
Could say the same about you. I mean, you're still the same old "better than thou" Buffy. I mean, I knew it somehow. I kept having this dream. I'm not sure what it means, but in the dream, this self-righteous blonde chick stabs me. And you want to know why?
You had it coming.
That's one interpretation. But in my dream, she does it for a guy. [Willow starts to sneak up behind Faith and is about to hit her with her backpack] Try it, Red, and you lose an arm. [Willow backs off] I wake up to find that this blonde chick isn't even dating the guy she was so nuts about before. I mean, she's moved on to the first college beefstick she meets. And not only has she forgotten about the love of her life, she's forgotten all about the chick she nearly killed for him. So that's my dream. That and some stuff about cigars and a tunnel. But, uh, tell me, college girl, what does it mean?
To me? Mostly, that you still mouth off about things you don't understand. [Police sirens are heard] Uh-oh, I guess somebody knows you're here. [Faith hits Buffy]
Break it up!
You took my life, B. Payback's a bitch.
Look who's talking.
See you around.
Hi, Joyce. Mind if I come in?
[clicks tongue] Ruby Sunset. Burgundy Skyline? Harlot. Mmm. Way to go, Joyce. Now, normally, I wouldn't be going with a color this dark, but I read in some magazine eight months in a coma will damage a girl's natural skin tone. Good thing pale is in this year. Or was it last year? [kisses] Anyway, for real now, I'm gonna ask you something, and you got to promise you'll be honest and not spare my feelings just 'cause I could kill you. You promise?
I promise.
Okay. How do I look?
Psychotic.
Hmm. I was shooting for sultry, but, hey... Bet I know what you're thinking.
Really?
You're thinking, "You're never get away with this." Warm?
Actually, I was thinking my daughter is going to kill you soon.
That a fact?
More like a bet.
Whoa. You got a pair on you, Joyce. I like seeing that in a woman your age. Guess you can afford to talk that way. I mean, in the world according to Joyce, Buffy is gonna come crashing through that door any minute. But, look what I found. Buffy Summers. Buffy Summers, Buffy Summers, Buffy, Buffy. A lot of letters. She, uh, hasn't been by in a while, huh? And you think, with a crazy chick like me on the loose, crazy chick with a wicked grudge against her, no less, she'd call and give you a heads-up. But Buffy's too into her own deal to remember dear old mom.
You don't know the first thing about Buffy. Or me.
Don't I? I know what it's like. You think you matter. You think you're a part of something, and you get dumped. It's like the whole world is moving but you're stuck. Like those animals in the tar pits. It's like you just keep sinking a little deeper everyday and nobody even sees.
[sounding bored] Were you planning to slit my throat anytime soon?
Don't tell me you don't see it, Joyce. You served your purpose. You squirted out the kid, raised her up, and now you might as well be dead. I mean, nobody cares, nobody remembers, especially not Buffy, fabulous superhero. Sooner or later you're gonna have to face it, she was over us a long time ago, Joyce. [voice rising to a shout] Too busy climbing onto her new boy toy to give a single thought to the people that matter! I mean, you're her mother, and she just leaves you here to die!
[Dives in through the window, punches Faith] Hi, Mom.
Hi, honey.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Buffy the Vampire Slayer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
