The first day back. It always gets me.
I mean, it's incredible. One day the campus is completely bare. Empty. The next, there are children everywhere. Like locusts. Crawling around, mindlessly bent on feeding and mating. Destroying everything in sight in their relentless, pointless desire to exist.
I do enjoy these pep talks. Have you ever considered, given your abhorrence of children, school principal was not, perhaps, your true vocation?
[Giles sees Jenny and starts talking to her ignoring Snyder]
Somebody's got to keep an eye on them. They're just a bunch of hormonal time bombs. You think they're thinking about learning? Every time a pretty girl walks by every boy turns into a bumbling idiot. I try to teach them the important things in life. Discipline. Respect. Punctuality. I might as well be talking to myself.
[Snyder doesn't notice that Giles has left]
Oh, look, it's the Three Musketeers.
[The others look at each other.]
[to Xander] Was that an insult?
The Three Musketeers were cool.
I woulda gone with Stooges.
Well, I just meant that you guys always hang out together. So, did you guys fight any demons this summer?
Uh, yes! Our own personal demons.
Uh, such as, as, as lust and, uh, thrift!
I would have to go with Stooges also.
Buffy. You're really campaigning for bitch-of-the-year, aren't you?
As defending champion, you nervous?
[scoffs] I can hold my own. You know, we've never really been close which is good cause I don't really like you that much. But you have been known to save the world on occasion, so I'm going to give you a piece of advice.
Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it. 'Cause pretty soon you're not even gonna have the loser friends you've got now.
That's the only explanation that makes any sense. I mean, you should've seen her last night. That wasn't Buffy.
Are we overlooking the idea that she may be very attracted to me? [gets looks from the others and concedes] She's possessed.
[sarcastically] Well, that narrows it down.
Well, you're the expert. Hey, maybe when the Master killed her some... mystical bad guy transference thing happened.
That's what it was! I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h?
Willow, I think we're all a little too old to be spelling things out.
There's some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense.
No actually that would be one of the five.
That summers girl, I smell trouble, I smell expulsion, and just the faintest aroma of jail.
Well before you throw away the key you might consider giving her the benefit of the doubt, she may surprise you.
You really have faith in those kids don't you?
What an ordeal. And you know what the worst part is?
It stays with you forever. No matter what they tell you, none of that rust and blood and grime comes out. I mean, you can dry-clean till Judgment Day, you are living with those stains.
Yeah that's the worst part of being hung upside down by a vampire who wants to slit your throat. The stains.
Angel stopped by? Wow, was there... Well, I mean, was it having to do with kissing?
Willow, grow up. Not everything is about kissing.
Yeah, some stuff's about groping. It wasn't about groping?
Okay, hormones on parade here, it was pure shop talk. Remember vampires? Pointy teeth? They walk by night? Am I ringing a bell?
Oh, something's up. Nothing I can't handle.
Oh, hey, did you guys hear that Cibo Matto's gonna be at the Bronze tonight?
Cibo Matto? They're playing?
No, Willow. They're gonna be clog dancing.
Cibo Matto can clog dance? Oh, sarcasm. Right.
Oh, look, it's the Three Musketeers.
[The others look at each other.]
[to Xander] Was that an insult?
The Three Musketeers were cool.
I would've gone with Stooges.
Well, I just meant that you guys always hang out together. So, did you guys fight any demons this summer?
Uh, yes, our own personal demons.
Uh, such as-as-as lust and, um, thrift.
I would have to go with Stooges, also.
What are you guys talking about? I'm talking about big, squiggly demons that came from the ground? Remember? Prom night? With all the vampires?
Cordelia? Your mouth is open. Sound is coming from it. This is never good.
No, it's... See, we can't mention that stuff in front of other people. Buffy being the Slayer and all.
You haven't been talking about our little adventure all summer, have you?
Are you nuts? You think I would tell people that I spent the whole evening with you? Besides, it was all so creepy. That Master guy and all the screaming? I don't even like to think about it. So... your secret's safe with me.
Well, that works out great. You won't tell everyone that I'm a Slayer, and I won't tell anyone you're a moron.
Now, that was a good insult.
What an ordeal. And you know what the worst part is?
It stays with you forever. No matter what they tell you, none of that rust and blood and grime comes out. I mean, you can dry-clean till Judgment Day, you are living with those stains.
Yeah, that's the worst part of being hung upside down by a vampire who wants to slit your throat-- the stains.
I don't think I can face them.
I can't. What am I supposed to say? "Sorry I almost got your throats slit. What's the homework?"
Punishing yourself like this is pointless.
It's entirely pointy. I was a moron. I put my best friends in mortal danger on the second day of school.
What are you gonna do, crawl inside a cave for the rest of your life?
Buffy, you acted wrongly, I admid that, but believe me, that was hardly the worst mistake you'll ever make. That wasn't quite as comforting as it was meant to be.
Well, points for effort. I'll see you.
(laughs a bit) Of Xander? Please. He's just a kid.
Is it 'cause I danced with him?
Danced with is a pretty loose term. Mated with might be a little closer.
Don't you think you're being a little unfair? It was one little dance, which I only did to make you crazy, by the way. Behold my success.
You're not jealous? What, vampires don't get jealous?
See? Whenever we fight you always bring up the vampire thing.
(digging in the grave yard as the girls watch) Y'know, this might go a lot faster if you femmes actually picked up a shovel, too.
(stopping, almost breathless) Hear, hear.
Sorry, but I'm an old fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies.
I don't get it. Why would anybody wanna make a girl?
(bitterly) You mean when there's so many pre-made ones just laying around? The things we do for love.
Love has nothing to do with this.
Maybe not, but I'll tell you this: people don't fall in love with what's right in front of them. People want the dream. What they can't have. The more unattainable, the more attractive.
