Joyce Summers quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I move pretty fast. You know, a man's always after a-

Joyce

Conquest?

I'm a conquistador.

Joyce

Are you sure it isn't comfort?

I'm a comfortador also.

S4 Restless

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Are you sure you'll be alright? 'Cause I can be there in the morning.

It's just a debriefing. They're not gonna make me disappear and they're not pinning anything on me. I got Graham and a lot of the guys testifying I'm the reason they're alive. I might actually got out of this with an honorable discharge.

In return for your silence, no doubt.

Oh, yeah. Having the inside scoop on the administration's own Bay of Mutated Pigs is definitely an advantage.

It's like you're blackmailing the government. In a... patriotic way.

I'll call you when it's over.

Dinner is served. And my very own recipe.

Ooh. You pushed the button on the microwave that says popcorn?

Actually, I pushed defrost, but, um, Joyce was there in the clinch.

Well, you guys have fun tonight. It was very nice meeting you.

Joyce

It was nice meeting you. Finally.

Bye.

Bye.

Joyce

Did you notice how pointedly I said finally?

No.

S4 Restless

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The First Slayer. Wow.

And not big with the socialization.

Or the floss.

Somehow our joining with Buffy and invoking the essence of the... the Slayer's power was an affront to the source of that power.

You know, you could have brought that up to us before we did it.

I did, I said there could be dire consequences.

Yes, but you say that about chewing too fast.

Joyce

I'm, uh, guessing I missed some fun.

The spirit of the First Slayer tried to kill us in our dreams.

Joyce

Oh, you want some hot chocolate?

Yeah.

Yeah, please.

Joyce

Uh, Xander?

Yes, what, Joyce... uh, Buffy's mom.

Joyce

Be my kitchen buddy again, help me carry?

Yes, sure, Buffy's mom.

Are you alright?

Yeah. I think I might jump in the shower.

You seem a bit...

A little. The First Slayer. I never really thought about it. It was intense. I guess you guys got a taste of that, huh?

Yeah, from now on you keep your Slayer friends out of my dreams, is that clear?

She's not good for the sleeping.

Uh... Well, at least you all didn't dream about that guy with the cheese. Don't know where the hell that came from.

S4 Restless

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I'm out of here. Riley and I are going to the movies.

Joyce

Okay. Have a good time.

[Buffy finds her sister named Dawn in her room]

What are you doing here?

Joyce

Buffy? If you're going out, why don't you take your sister?

BDBuffy and Dawn

[together] Mom!

S5 Buffy vs. Dracula

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KDr. Kriegel

Joyce, there's no reason to get upset.

Joyce

No reason to get upset? Oh, right, sorry, I must just think there is because of my brain tumor!

S5 Listening to Fear

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Joyce

Dawn... she's not mine is she?

No.

Joyce

She's... she does belong to us though.

Yes she does,

Joyce

And she's important... to the world, precious. As precious as you are to me... Then we have to take care of her. Buffy, promise me, if anything happens, if I don't come through this-

Mom-

Joyce

No, listen to me. No matter what she is, she still feels like my daughter. I have to know that you'll take care of her, that you'll keep her safe, that you'll love her like I love you.

I promise.

S5 Listening to Fear

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A fourteen-year-old is too old to be babysat, it's not fair to her.

What'd she make you do?

Well, we listened to aggressively cheerful music sung by people chosen for their ability to dance, and we ate cookie dough and talked about boys.

[laughs] Oh, I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry, but if it makes you feel any better, my fun-time Buffy party night involved watching a robot throw Spike through a window. So if you wanna trade... No wait, I wouldn't give that memory up for anything.

Robot? Sounds interesting.

We're gonna work on it in the morning, I mean, unless you want to stay for a while, and then you and I could-

Joyce

Who wants to hear everything?

...listen to my Mom talk about boys.

Right. Must go. See you tomorrow. Bye Joyce.

Joyce

Bye Rupert.

Joyce

[recounting her date with Brian] Gosh, I'd forgotten how much fun dating can be.

I dunno, I was standing right here. I didn't see Prince Charming. I didn't even see a goodnight kiss. It all looked pretty tame to me.

Joyce

Well, I suppose by your standards it would seem pretty... Oh, dear.

What?

Joyce

I left my bra in his car.

[appalled] Mother!

Joyce

I'm joking.

Good God, that's horrible. Don't do that.

Joyce

[playfully] I left it in the restaurant.

[running upstairs, hands over her ears] No more! No more! No more!

Joyce

[calling upstairs] On the dessert cart!

[faintly, off screen] I can't hear you!

S5 I Was Made to Love You

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Joyce

I think we're just about ready for pie.

And then I'll be pretty much ready for barf.

Xander!

Gross.

You know, barf from the eating. 'Cause all was good and too much goodness.

Joyce

I'm taking it as a compliment.

Yes, everything was delicious.

Yes. I'm going to barf, too.

Joyce

Everyone's so sweet.

How you doin' there, Will? Are you in the vomit club, too?

[groans] I had too much nog.

Tara

Oh, baby. Want me to rub your tummy? She likes it when I... uh, s-stop explaining things.

My nog tastes funny. I think I got one with rum in it.

That's... bad.

Yeah! Now Santa's gonna pass you right by! Naughty boozehound.

Santa always passes me by. Something puts him off. Could be the big honkin' menorah.

...

I mean, it's a myth that it's a myth. There is a Santa Claus.

The advantage of having a thousand-year-old girlfriend. Inside scoop.

Tara

There's a Santa Claus?

Mm-hmm. Been around since, like, the 1500s. But he wasn't always called Santa. But with, you know, Christmas night, flying reindeer, coming down the chimney -- all true.

All true?

Well, he doesn't traditionally bring presents so much as, you know, disembowel children. But otherwise...

Tara

The reindeer part was nice.

S5 The Body

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[Buffy is an inpatient in a psychiatric ward in an "alternate reality" LA. Hank and Joyce Summers, still married, are sitting with Buffy as they consult with her psychiatrist.]

[sobbing] Dawn...

Joyce

Dawn?

PPsychiatrist

The sister. She was introduced last year. It didn't make a lot of sense though, did it Buffy? She altered the fabric of her reality drastically. (meta-commenting on how the abrupt introduction of Dawn altered the entire series)

S6 Normal Again

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Joyce

Things are coming, Dawn. Listen, things are on their way. I love you, and I love Buffy, but she won't be there for you.

What? Why are you--

Joyce

When it's bad, Buffy won't choose you. She'll be against you.