Alan Shore quotes from Boston Legal

Alan

Denny, where is that doll?

Denny

The police took her in for questioning.

Alan

Shirley Schmidt-ho?

Denny

She'll be back.

Alan

I think we've just had our first three-way.

Denny

It didn't look like Shirley enjoyed it as much as we did. You know, she tasted differently than I remember...

Alan

[chuckles] That's because it was my slobber on her mouth, Denny. We've finally exchanged bodily fluids.

Denny

[quickly downs his glass of wine] Blech!

[singing] Michael rowed the boat ashore...Hallelujah! Michael rowed the boat ashore...

Alan

You do know that Michael was a homosexual Jew from Mexico, right?

Alan

What's my motivation?

Shirley

Excuse me?

Alan

My character's motivation. Surely you can't expect me to simply jump in and take this case!

Alan

What's my motivation?

Shirley

I beg your pardon?

Alan

My character's motivation. I can't just jump cold into a case, Shirley, I need... incentive.

[singing] Michael row the boat ashore, hallelujah! Michael row the boat ash—

Alan

Michael was a gay Jew from Mexico, you know that of course?

Alan

We had our first three-way tonight.

Denny

I'm not sure that Shirley enjoyed it as much as we did.

Alan

Mm. Fabulous for me.

Denny

She didn't quite taste the same as I remember. She tasted more like...

Alan

[chuckles] Me. That was my slobber, Denny. We've finally exchanged bodily fluids.

Denny

Oh. [swishes wine in his mouth before swallowing] Blech!

Alan

Denny, I'm not going to presume you were paying attention in court today, were you?

Denny

In and out.

Alan

You were hung-over.

Denny

It happens!

Alan

The 9/11 commission, they dumped on you pretty good didn't they?

Somewhat.

Alan

Somewhat?! A 'D' in port security, an 'F' in improving communications for first responders a 'D' in border security, an 'F' in aviation security, a 'D' in chemical plant security. These aren't passing grades Mr. Winchell.

Denny

You can change one thing, what is it?

Alan

I'd get rid of stores that end in Mart.

Denny

Alan, you've got to help me dump Bella. I'm not good when it comes to breaking up with women; I'm too soft.

Alan

Denny, you shoot people.

Denny

I thought of that, but it would be illegal. Except in Florida.

Paul

What's it like being Shirley?

Alan

The thong is a little uncomfortable.

Could I get you to put your tongue back in your mouth there, soldier?

Alan

Thank goodness we have you, Brad, to keep track of our tongues. Would you like a list of the places mine has been this week?

Perv.

I'm sure it's a long, very complicated answer, but what is your problem?

Alan

[chuckles] You're right. It's a long...very complicated answer.

Denny

I'll have that jury eating out of my lap.

Alan

Hand.