Denny Crane quotes from Boston Legal

Alan

We had our first three-way tonight.

Denny

I'm not sure that Shirley enjoyed it as much as we did.

Alan

Mm. Fabulous for me.

Denny

She didn't quite taste the same as I remember. She tasted more like...

Alan

[chuckles] Me. That was my slobber, Denny. We've finally exchanged bodily fluids.

Denny

Oh. [swishes wine in his mouth before swallowing] Blech!

Alan

Denny, I'm not going to presume you were paying attention in court today, were you?

Denny

In and out.

Alan

You were hung-over.

Denny

It happens!

I only have two plane tickets

Denny

Oh, gee, and I only have a Gulfstream.

Denny

You can change one thing, what is it?

Alan

I'd get rid of stores that end in Mart.

Denny

I'll let you play with my gun.

Shirley

Your gun goes off too prematurely for me, Denny. It always has.

Hold on just one second; are you a midget?

Bethany

Are you an imbecile?

Uh...objection!

Denny

Sustained.

Denny

Objection!

Overruled!

Denny

Objection!

Sustained!

Denny

Alan, you've got to help me dump Bella. I'm not good when it comes to breaking up with women; I'm too soft.

Alan

Denny, you shoot people.

Denny

I thought of that, but it would be illegal. Except in Florida.

Denny

It's gonna get ugly, Shirley.

Shirley

Denny Crane ugly.

Denny

Hmm-mm.

Denny

I'll have that jury eating out of my lap.

Alan

Hand.

Denny

You people have an overreacting problem, you do know that?

[offended] "We people?"

Denny

Yeah, same thing in Lebanon. They grab a few soldiers, you respond with overkill. And that's a problem.

Bethany

Are you saying Israel doesn't have the right to defend itself?

Denny

Well, of course, they do! But you can't blow up a country just because you get mad! Only the United States enjoys that privilege. We're a superpower; God is on our side.

Alan

What are you doing?

Denny

The Secret.

Alan

Certainly you can tell me; I'm your flamingo.

Denny

No, no, no. The Secret. Haven't you heard? The law of attraction. Get with the program, man.

Alan

What are you talking about?

Denny

If you think positively, you become a magnet and pull in everything you want towards you.

Alan

Really?

Denny

I figure if I concentrate on world peace, maybe I can actually make it happen.

Alan

You're sitting here concentrating on world peace?

Denny

Oh, God, no. Gotta start smaller. I'm thinking Raquel Welch. Get her first, then go for peace.

Denny

I might vote for him, you know.

Alan

(surprised) Obama?

Denny

Anybody in America can grow up to be President, that's what I say. Except for Hillary! She wins, I puke.

Alan

Barack Obama.

Denny

Handsome, great photo op. I don't know what he stands for... He'd be a perfect president! Speaks perfect ‘white' as well as ‘black.' Never heard me say that.

Alan

What about McCain.

Denny

He speaks ‘Bush' now. Can't win.

Alan

Obama's against the war now, you know.

Denny

So'm I. (Alan looks questioningly) Don't worry. I'm ready for a new war. Time to blow up Iran. And we gotta get Amina.... douche-bag. And that nut job in North Korea. They both gotta go. And not because they're not white!

Denny

Of course it does, Alan... you can't please every body. Better to just...

Alan

Blow them up.

Denny

Exactly. And not because they're not white.

Alan

No.

Denny

The man's a keeper. Smart, good-looking, articulate. I like him.

Paul

There you go.

May I ask, when you say "articulate", I would imagine almost everyone who comes out of law school is "articulate".

Denny

Yeah, but uh, well, you know what I mean.

I don't, actually.

Denny

Well, I-I mean it like Joe Biden meant it. The way they mean it when they say uh, Condi Rice is so articulate. That way.

But I still don't know what you mean.

Denny

You don't sound black.

Shirley

Denny, there's no such thing as "sounding black".

Denny

What do you mean?

Shirley

Certainly you don't think all black people sound alike.

Denny

Well, of course not. Anchors on the news don't sound black at all, and the black weathermen sound whiter than me.

Shirley

It's politically incorrect to say somebody sounds black.

Denny

All right, then "African-American".

Shirley

No.

Denny

"Jesse Jackson-ish"?

Shirley

No!

Denny

Well then, how? What do you say? If a person sounds black, what's the right way to say it?

Shirley

[uncomfortably] ... "Urban".

Denny

White people don't live in cities?