Jack Hodgins quotes from Bones

Hodgins

Well, I also found traces of sulfuryl fluoride, also known as Vikane, Zythor or Master Fume.

Those all sound like names of super villains.

Hodgins

Look, I like a good underdog story as much as the next guy, but my money's on Dr. B.

Oliver

What the hell, Hodgins? I thought we were, y'know, "beard buddies".

Hodgins

[smirks] Sorry, dude, but I've worked with this woman for over ten years and I have never, not once ever, seen anyone better. And as for the beards, when I look at you, I feel like I'm looking in the mirror when I have a hangover. You might wanna, you know, clean up a bit there.

Oliver

[unimpressed] Hmm, I'm gonna remember this conversation when I'm the one running things and you are looking for a job.

Hodgins

[deadpan] In a world where that scenario exists, I won't need a job because I will be a power forward for the Lakers.

Adults don't go climbing inside trees alone.

Hodgins

I do. That's where the really beautiful Hymenoptera are.

Right. But unless by some chance the victim was not an obsessive entomologist, this is probably a body dump.

Brennan

But why dump her inside of a tree?

Hodgins

Body stew like this, I feel like one of the witches from Macbeth.

Angela

You seriously don't believe Avalon?

Hodgins

No. Psychics and fortune tellers represent man's basic need to make sense of the unknown, while rigorous evidence-based science is far more difficult than just believing in magic.

Angela

[sarcastically] Oh, so you're saying I'm lazy and a fool?

Hodgins

Oh, how did I not see that coming?

Jack Hodgins

  Pagan symbols, a headless corpses, Hallowe'en—is it just me, or is something other-worldly going on here?

Abbie Mills

  [enters offscreen]  That sounds like our department.  [cuts to show Abbie Mills and Ichabod Crane standing at the door]

Booth

I'll bring in Gill.

Hodgins

Uh, no, you can't.

Brennan

But we have to. He is very likely the last person to see Vivian alive.

Hodgins

If you bring Gill in, whoever killed Vivian is gonna know who "The American" is. You might as well pull the trigger yourself.

Booth

Well, maybe he should've thought of that before he committed treason.

Hodgins

Booth, there's got to be some way you can meet with this guy and talk to him in secret.

Booth

This guy put dozens of agents' lives in jeopardy. What, you want me to give him some kind of special treatment?

Hodgins

He was trying to do the right thing.

Booth

Stop right there, okay? You never served. You don't get the right to defend this guy.

Hodgins

I'm just saying, Booth––

Booth

[interrupts] What you're saying is that it's okay for this guy to put other people in danger. You know what? It's not.

Aubrey

So what do my beautiful-brained colleagues have for me tonight?

Hodgins

Might want to watch the way you talk about Cam's brain there, Aubrey. Wouldn't want her man overhearing.

Aubrey

Oh, the, uh, photojournalist?

His name is Sebastian, and he's not my man.

Hodgins

[laughs] That's not what the smile on your face is saying.

The smile on my face is saying "Mind your own business.

Dr. Hodgins, how is the car autopsy going? Or would it be an auto-topsy?

Hodgins

I'd laugh, but the explosion must have paralyzed my sense of humor as well, but at least I figured out what started the fire.

Hodgins

Hey, what time is Brennan's hearing?

Jessica

Wait, hearing? What hearing?

Angela

I think it's going on right now.

Brennan punched a suspect.

Hodgins

That's a big no-no at the FBI.

Jessica

Go, Dr. B! I knew there was a reason she's my hero.

Hodgins

[greets Fisher happily] What are you doing here?

Fisher

Consulting for the Secret Service, leading in Dr. Brennan's absence. Typical man of action stuff. [looks at Hodgins] Wow! I see Angela wasn't joking about you being paralyzed.

Hodgins

Uh, no. No, not-not a joke. Just a lot of pain, misery and self-loathing.

Fisher

Feelings in which I'm very well-versed.

Hodgins

I do remember.

Hodgins

Hey, don't do no, no, Oliver, stop! Come on, man, you can't do that. You can't do multiple boosters, it's not fair.

Your face isn't fair.

Hodgins

[stares at Wells in disbelief] That doesn't even make sense.

Your face doesn't make sense.

Your face is so big that it creates non-Euclidian triangles of over 180 degrees around it.

Hodgins

Is that right? Really?

Yeah.

Hodgins

Really? Okay, well, your face is so expansive that the lensing effect is such that a light passing within one astronomical unit has a radius of curvature of 6e to the ninth meter.

[sarcastically] Ooh.

[walking into Hodgins' lab] Am I interrupting?

Yes!

Fisher

Cartoons upset me as a child.

Hodgins

More of an Addams Family kid?

Fisher

Twilight Zone reruns actually.

Everything about you makes more sense now.

Geez, Hodgins. You cannot just roll up on me like that.

Hodgins

I'm in a wheelchair, Cam. I have no choice but to roll up on you.

Hodgins

What can I get you, lovely lady? What do you have? We've got the Saroyan Sling, the Arast-ini, the Pookie Noodlin'...

Angela

You did not name a drink the Pookie Noodlin'.

Hodgins

All right, it's not on the menu, but I'll whip you up one special.

Hodgins

Zack, you sure you want to represent yourself? I mean, we can request a continuance.

Zack

No, I've had many years to study courtroom procedure. I am ready.

Brennan

Zack will be fine. Besides, the opposing lawyer is––

Caroline

Is a fierce vision by the name of Caroline Julian? Is that what you were going to say, Cher? [glares at Brennan]

Brennan

No.