Linda Belcher quotes from Bob's Burgers

Linda

No one sheds like this family, it's like a bunch of Chewbaccas.

Linda

When I die I want you to cremate me and throw my ashes in Tom Selleck's face.

Linda

I had the video game company take your game away because I love you. It's like the time you took away the credit card from me when I was ordering all those porcelain babies.

Linda

[singing] If you're not real, then how come I feel this way, lil' babies!

Linda

Rich people run funny. Must be all the money in their pockets. Or their big, rich, golden wieners. Eh, it's probably their wieners.

Linda

Alcohol does not solve problems, Miss Missy. It just makes them go away.

Linda

Give it another day, and if you still hate it after that day, you give it another day. And you keep going like that, forever. That's what working is. But it's not all bad. They pay you, and you get to go home after and say "What a day!" and drink.

Linda

Bob, You’re a silly!

Bob

Tina, you're on the grill.

Tina

My crotch is itchy.

Eww...!

Bob

Okay... are you telling me as my daughter or as my grill cook?

Tina

Umm... As...

Bob

Because my grill cook would never tell me that.

Tina

[downcast] Oh.

Bob

Also, my daughter should probably not say anything like that to me. Tell her, tell your mom.

Tina

[turns to Linda] My crotch is itchy.

Linda

C'mere, let me see.

Bob

[as Gene and Louise crowd around Tina] Linda! Not now.

Louise

No, let's all see it!

Bob

No!

Bob

Tina, listen to me. You're not going anywhere. I'm your father.

Yes, Tina. But I am your Capoeira instructor. [starts to leave]

Tina

Wait. I'm going to class with you. [starts to follow him]

Bob

Tina, what are you doing?

Tina

Dad, you don't understand!

Bob

I understand you're grounded, effective right now!

Linda

Bob, let her go.

Bob

No! She's grounded, Lin!

Linda

We all just need a minute to calm down.

Bob

Hey, Tina, you walk out that door, and you're no longer my grill cook.

Louise

Dad, calm down. I-I'll go get her. [opens the door and shouts after Tina] YOU GET OUTTA HERE, YOU HEAR ME?! NEVER LOOK BACK! YOU ARE DEAD TO US! [comes back in] Sorry, Dad, there's no getting through to that one.

Bob

Thanks, Louise, that was... very helpful.

Linda

Bob, she deserves a special party this year.

Louise

If what it says in her diary is true, then I say she needs it. A LOT.

Gene

It's true.

Bob

Wait, you read her diary?

Linda

Yeah.

Louise

What I can stomach.

Linda

I just skim it to make sure she's not on drugs.

Bob

Wha... what does it say?

Linda

It says "I'm not on drugs".

Linda

Louise! You're grounded. Go to your room!

Louise

Gladly, that's all I ever wanted.

Linda

No! I mean, my room. Go to my room.

Louise

You can't make me.

Linda

Oh, yes, I can, miss missy! [takes Louise to her room, and puts her down]

Louise

I guess you can. [Linda slams the door]

Bob

Oh God. Oh my God, Lin.

Linda

It's just a few days, Bobby.

Bob

Linda, there are animal anuses all over our walls!

Linda

Just think of them as cute little rumps.

Bob

Lin, they're anuses. I'm trying to think of worse paintings to hang in a restaurant. Um, nope, I can't think of any!

Linda

Okay my little cow pokes, time for school. You can watch the rest tonight.

Louise

Mom! How could you!

Linda

How could I what?

Louise

How could you encourage this?

Linda

Oh Louise, don't be a pill. A little father-son bonding is going on here, and that's a good thing. These two don't always do it so well.

Gene

Tambourine solo!

Bob

[weakly rattles tambourine] Yeesh.

Bob

Alright, this is how you throw a spiral. Here comes the bullet. Ugh! Stupid ball! It's 'cause there's no laces.

Gene

I'm hungry.

Bob

Alright, we're done. Go inside.

Gene

I WANT PEANUT BUTTER!

Bob

It turns out we bond better over movies that I like to watch, that I make Gene watch.

Gene

YEAH!

Louise

Oh that's... That's adorable. I'm going to school.

Bob

Good.

Gene

Great. Why don't you learn something and become a lawyer.

Bob

Alright, listen. You kids are going to be on your best behavior, right now. The landlord Mr. Fischoedeor is coming over to talk about the lease, and we don’t know if he’s gonna renew.

Linda

He’ll renew.

Bob

Well, we haven’t always paid our rent on time.

Linda

We never pay our rent on time.

Bob

Thanks, Lin.

You should keep your freaky kids locked up in your own place.

Bob

[furious] What did you say about my kids?

Linda

Hit him in his handsome groin!