Teddy quotes from Bob's Burgers

Bob

Here's the deal, Teddy: I can make you soup or salad, but I don't think I can serve you my burgers anymore.

Teddy

You cutting me off, Bobby?

Bob

I guess I... am.

Teddy

You're cutting me off!? Is this some kind of sick joke?

Mort

I think it's for your own good.

Teddy

You stay the hell out of this, Mort! [to Bob] Bob, if you take your burgers from me, I will murder you and your mouthy wife!

Teddy

Why would you lie to me like that? Who says they're somebody's best friend when they're not!?

Bob

Look, Teddy, I'm sorry I lied because I care about you...

Teddy

Pull over here. Stop the car, Bob!

Teddy

You're not the only man that sells burgers, you know. I'm going to be a regular at Dusty's Feed Bag now! Friend.

Bob

Come on Teddy, get back in the car.

Teddy

Oh, and one more thing, Bob three years ago, you forgot a tomato on my burger and I said nothing. Nothing!

Bob

Teddy please don't go in there.

Teddy

You don't tell me what to do. Oh wait, I guess this entrance isn't even open.

Teddy

This is crazy! You're crazy! You do "Burgers of the Day" every day!

Bob

Teddy--

Teddy

A NEW BURGER, EVERY DAY! IT'S THE ONLY CONSTANT IN MY LIFE!

Linda

[reassuring] Okay, easy, Teddy, Teddy, easy...

Teddy

[shaking her off] No, no, no, get off of me!

Linda

Teddy! Teddy!

Teddy

GET OFF OF ME! When I come back tomorrow, there better be a friggin' burger on that board! You hear me, Bob?!

Bob

Yeah...

Teddy

DO YOU HEAR ME?!

Bob

Bye...

Teddy

[to another customer, calmy] I'm sorry, sir, I know you're enjoying your lunch. [to Bob] PUT A BURGER ON THAT BOARD!

Louise

Uh, why is Teddy walking in the street, trying to punch cars?

Bob

He's overreacting because I--

Tina

[pointing and panicking] THE "BURGER OF THE DAY" BOARD IS BLANK! THE "BURGER OF THE DAY" BOARD IS BLANK!

Gene

AAAAAAAHH!!!

Linda

That didn't happen to you.

Bob

Yes it did.

Linda

No. It happened to Tippi Hedren in The Birds.

Bob

What?

Teddy

Bob, you're describing an exact scene in Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds. They call it "shot for shot".

Linda

Bob, you think you're Tippi Hedren, honey.

Bob

I don't think I'm Tippi Hedren, I'm describing an event from my life.

Bob

Oh my God, I'm Tippi Hedren!

Teddy

Yeah, you wish!

Bob

I guess I must have seen that movie when I was young.

Linda

Oh, you poor thing. You poor dumb thing.

Teddy

You know that boat that I've been fixing up?

Louise

Yoooou've mentioned it.

Teddy

Well, I finally got her shipshape, and I thought it'd be fun to take you all out.

Louise

Kill us?

Teddy

No, take you out for a boat ride.

Teddy

Am I drunk, or are you guys having a weird conversation?

Louise

Both!

Teddy

Well, we're dissolving the poster business. Janine wants out.

Gene

Aw, Teddy, I'm so sorry.

Teddy

Yeah, well, the pet shop down the street offered to buy the rest of the posters at a deep discount. They're gonna shred them for hamster cage bedding. The guy was really impressed with how much hamster urine they could absorb.