Tina Belcher quotes from Bob's Burgers

Tina

Do I have a boyfriend in this scenario?

Bob

Uh, we should probably just stick to the necessary facts.

Tina

Oh, okay.

Bob

Fine, all right, you have a secret boyfriend in this scenario, one that you can't ever talk about.

Tina

What's his name?

Bob

Um, Sebastian.

Tina

He plays lacrosse. And he loves me.

Bob

Mm-hmm.

Tina

But he loves lacrosse more.

Bob

Uh, yeah.

Tina

How long is his hair?

Bob

I-I-I don't know. But it's greasy.

Tina

[throwing her head back in bliss] Yes.

Louise

Geez, Courtney. Take a chill pill.

It's okay, it's okay. [to Louise] I will take a chill pill. I will. Because I have a congenital heart condition and I take them every day.

Gene

I had shingles once.

Tina

I have a cut on my leg.

Those things aren't congenital.

Gene

Show's over. Time to get our congenitals to class!

Louise

Mom, it's over. You "Momed" it all up.

Bob

Uh-oh.

Linda

What's that supposed to mean? Dad's here! Did he "Dad" it all up?

Louise

Yeah, but that's a good thing!

Linda

Fine! I don't wanna play your dumb little game anyway.

Louise

Well that's 'cause you suck at it!

Gene

Uh-oh.

Tina

Ouch.

Bob

Oh, God.

Linda

Don't you talk to me that way, Miss Smart-Mouth! You just bought yourself a ticket to your room!

Louise

(storming off) Oh, fine! Best money I ever spent! You can't ruin anything in there!

Tina

Why'd you do it, Zeke?

Zeke

Well, the first time was an accident. But the second time was for fun. Then accident, fun, fun, another accident, three funs in a row, then after that, I was doing it for you, Tina.

Gene

Ooh, an elephant! I'll bet she sneezes and it's adorable!

Aaahhhhhh!

Gene

What was that!? Play it again, play it again!

Aaahhhhh!

Louise

It was electrocuted! To death! On purpose! In public! By Thomas Edison!

Gene

What is he, a super villain?

Choose me, Tina! I asked you first!

But you asked me first!

We've got chemistry!

I've got a butt. Look at it!

I asked you and only you.

As far as you know.

Tina

What?

He said, "As far as you know!"

I didn't say it. You said it!

Don't worry about who said it. Just watch the butt!

Louise

Can we roll down the windows? I'm starting to breathe in Tina's breath.

Tina

I think I forgot to brush this morning. Did I?

Louise

Yeah. Yeah, you did.

I'm mining the cave for love.

Don't care about the world above.

Down here it's dark and cold.

I'm just lookin' for a nugget of gold.

My hat is hard but my heart is soft.

It's dusty down here and so I cough.

Cough cough.

It's a dirty job, but I ain't stopping.

I know I'm breathin' toxins but you're lookin' foxy.

Will you be mine?

Coal mine

Will you be mine?

Diamond—

Tina

Hey, I was watching that!

Louise

Bad enough I'm being forced to go to their concert. It's like I'm going to the electric chair and you're making me watch videos of the electric chair.

Tina

I'm going to help you through this. Tell me what you like about Boo Boo.

Louise

Nothing. Everything. I don't know!

Tina

Do you like his hair?

Louise

You mean those soft blonde bangs you wanna hide under like an umbrella on a rainy day? No. Not really.

Tina

And his face?

Louise

Ew, gross, it's so gorgeous, I just wanna slap it, I just wanna slap it, I just wanna slap his hideous, beautiful face!

Tina

Um, you mean "kiss?"

Louise

No, I mean "slap."

Tina

Woah. You got it bad, girl.

Bob

Hey, sometimes good things come from boredom. Like Gene.

Gene

Thank you!

Bob

And Tina.

Tina

[fist-bumps him] Pow.

Gene

[about Bob's multitool] Could it kill an eagle?

Tina

Why would we want to kill an eagle?

Gene

I don't know. They're so condescending.

Tina

Wait, what are you talking about? Who's "Upskirt Kurt"?

Teddy

Oh yeah, I've heard of that guy. The macho seaplane pilot who beds bored housewives.

Gene

What do you mean "beds"? He makes their beds?

Teddy

No, Gene. Kurt is seducing your mommy.

Gene

Hmmm.

Louise

I hope he's a good listener because that bird loves to chirp.

Tina

So I'm guessing you guys are not the top frat on campus.

Nope. Our motto is, "If you rushed us, you'd be pledged by now."

Worked on me.

We haze with hugs. Lot of good huggers in this group.

Girls never come here.

You never let me sing any of my songs.

Linda

That's because your songs were all so... [whispers] ...sexual.

Tina

Pardon?

Linda

Plus, you had that speech impediment.

I know. I wrote a song about it called "G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-genitals."

Bob

Okay, everyone just be quiet.

Gene

Can I say just one thing?

Bob

Gene...

Gene

I think I have the best legs in the family. And the smoothest bottom.

Tina

Mom...

Linda

Yes, Tina?

Tina

I was the one who didn't flush. Sorry.

Linda

That's okay, Tina. It was impressive. It looked just like your father's.

Tina

Thanks. That's what I was going for.

Louise

Mom?

Bob

Oh my God...

Louise

Where do babies come from?

Linda

You all came from my vagina.

Gene

Ha! I knew it! Pay up, Tina!