Tina Belcher quotes from Bob&#039;s Burgers

We have no PE for the rest of the year, my friends.

Yeah! Who needs it?

[Gene tries to open the door but can't]

Tina

Here, let me try.

[Tina opens the door easily]

Wow. I need to exercise.

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It's the documentarian who hates Dad and puts wigs on cows!

Tina

Werner Herzog?

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[At the Farmer's Market]

Dad, don't forget to get more monkey brains!

Yeah, and we need more unicorn testicles.

Tina

That's where dreams are born.

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It's him! It's the Moody Foodie!

Gene, that's Mike the mailman. You've seen him every day for the last five years.

It's the long con!

Tina

[pointing at Gene] It's him!

Tina, that's Gene.

Tina

Long con!

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What kind of a maniac wakes up an hour early to write erotic fanfiction?!

Tina

Me.

Are there any shows or movies left in the world that you haven't perved up?

Tina

No. That's why I've started writing erotic friend fiction, using people at school. And zombies.

Oh! Do the janitor and the vice principal! I think they'd have beautiful children!

Tina

I did, and they don't.

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Tina

Detention is no big deal, Mom. Don't have a crap attack.

[Dramatic music]

What did you just say?!

Tina

A crap attack? Don't... have one?

[Dramatic music]

Don't you tell me not to have a crap attack! I'll have a crap attack anytime I want! Now go to your room!

Tina

This is such a snoregasm. [leaves]

Huh! What the hell was that about?

What is it?

A "crap attack"?

LLouis

Yeah.

I don't know. [to Linda] Do you?

Don't look at me!

Well, you're the one that wanted to have one.

You're the one that sent her into her room for saying it.

I don't know what these kids are saying!

... "Don't have a crap attack!" [chuckles]

LGLouise and Gene

HAAAAAAA!!!

Nice, Bob. Nice.

[Louise giggles]

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There's my little candy corns! Ooh! Sad Wolverine! Scary, and sad.

I'm Edward Scissorhands, Mom.

Uh, I'm not sure about you walking around with scissors all night, Louise.

[holding up spoons] Why don't you be Edward Spoonhands?

[uses her scissors to grab them and toss them away] Get real. It's Halloween, not Hallowuss.

And Tina's a mummy! Sexy!

Tina

[wrapped in toilet paper, holding a baby doll] Last year I was a mummy. This year, I'm a mommy mummy. And I'm single, and I'm working two jobs, and I'm just trying to get back out there.

Tina, you have to put your costume back on the roll tomorrow. I'm not losing that much TP.

Tina

Okay.

[Gene clears his throat]

Oh, and Gene looks great, too! Wait, what are you, hon?

I'm rapper/actress Queen Latifah from her "U.N.I.T.Y." phase.

Oh god, so specific and political, I love it!

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Where are we?

I think it's a country club.

Tina

It's like a huge miniature golf course!

The windmills are going to be enormous!

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Tina, come on.

Tina

But Milo and Ned are back there, and they need us.

[pained screaming is heard in the distance]

Do they, though?

Tina, this isn't our fight! Do you really want to stay here and get pee-ballooned?

Yeah. I can pee on myself, I don't need any handouts!

Tina

Listen, this town gave us the best candy we've ever seen. We owe it to them to go back.

Great. Now my candy tastes like guilt.

Augh, FINE! We'll go back and save Milo and what's-his-face, but I get to slap Gene!

Tina

That's fair.

[Louise slaps Gene across the face]

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SGStoner Guy

Hey, Blueberry Girl. You got any extra blueberries?

Tina

(Pushing him away) No! And don't come here again. My parents don't know I deliver blueberries. Do you get it?

SGStoner Guy

Okay...

Tina

(Suddenly more forceful) No, do you get it!? Don't. Come here. Again.

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[Bob is talking to frozen turkeys at the store]

Yeah, it's a little weird, but it's his selection process.

Tina

It's like The Bachelor, except at the end, the one he chooses gets eaten.

That's what happens on the real Bachelor, too. They just don't show it on camera.

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Mr. Fischoeder

She left me for a married oil magnate. And then a married movie magnate.

Tina

She's a magnate magnet.

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Why does it have to be Thanksgiving, Father? I want it to be Father's Day. Every day!

[As Mr. Fischoeder passes her a ticket, Gene comes over to pour water in his cup.]

Here you go, Father! You must be dehydrated from being too awesome!

Mr. Fischoeder

[passes ticket] Take it down a notch.

Tina

Hey, do you remember that thing that we did together that was really fun?

Mr. Fischoeder

That's pathetic.

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[Tina has crashed into a parked car]

Oh my god, it's bad...

Tina

I ruined the car!

You did. You really did. Okay. Uh, well, that's... ugh. Well, there doesn't seem to be any damage to the other car.

Tina

No, I see a dent! There's a dent!

That's a ding. Not even. It's like a little scratch.

Tina

No, it's a dent!

All right, we'll leave a note. [pause] You know, then again, for all we know, that was probably already there, right?

Tina

We have to leave a note! We have to leave a note!

Okay, okay! You're so honest. Who raised you?

Tina

I don't know!

Da-- it was me. I did.

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Tina, why are you wearing a hairnet?

Tina

Because stress is making my hair fall out! Look at me!

[She removes the hairnet; her hair is the same as always]

Tina, you have the fullest head of hair in the family. I would kill for that hairline.

Tina

I believe you would!