[Later, Edmund, Percy and Baldrick are inside a cell. The Queen is outside of it]
Well, I suppose this is what comes of being a witch.
Oh, Edmund, you always were a bit of a fibber.
Mother, I beg of you: use whatever power you have to help me.
I haven't had any power for years, you know.
But Father's sick! You must do something, otherwise...
Well, otherwise, I'll be burnt!
Ah, yes, this would be a pity.
I'll see if I can sort out something. [leaves]
My lord, I had an idea how to get out of this.
Send for all the greatest lawyers in the land, and they could save you!
Brilliant! Contact them at once.
I've already done it, My Lord! [holding up some pages of paper]
Oh, Percy, thank you! Are those the letters?
[a bit reluctant] Er, yes...
[more reluctant] Very well. Erm, this is from Robert Wyatt in Somerset: [reading] "What you ask is against reason and God. I spit on you and your master, and look forward to passing water over both your graves at a later date."
Yes... [looks at another one, held by Baldrick] What does that one say?
[reading, although Percy puts forward a hand as though he'd rather it wasn't read] "Dear Percy: I remember being at school with Prince Edmund and yourself, and so was very interested by your letter".
"May you both die horribly. Yours, John Watts."
Wait a moment, My Lord! I have a cunning plan that cannot fail!
[The guards, Soft and Anon, come into the foreground]
SSoft
My wife was wondering whether you'd like to come round for dinner tonight.
AAnon
Well, the food tastes like manure, and, frankly, I find you both very boring.
SSoft
Oh, fair enough. How about next Thursday, then?
AAnon
Er, yeah, that's lovely, yeah. About half eight?
SSoft
Yeah, all right, be there.
[Baldrick had finished telling his plan]
Brilliant! [laughs, and shakes Baldrick's hand] Well done, Baldrick! Very cunning! You may capture the eagle, but you cannot clip its wings!
[The guards chat some more]
SSoft
By the way, how's that eagle of yours?
AAnon
Oh, fine, fine. Mind you, I had a bit of trouble to start with, but, now I've clipped its wings, no problem!
[As the guards separate again, Edmund goes to the bars]
Tomorrow, I shall not be so meek! [laughs]
[Outside the castle, the stake is being prepared. A sign reads: "Public execution, by Burning, Friday August 11, Indoors If Wet". Back in the goal cell; Edmund and company are bald, each also wearing a ball-and-chain. Baldrick touched Edmund, with a plan]
[rushes to the bars to talk to the guards] Look, erm, you two, you wouldn't perhaps consider, for a pretty hefty reward, perhaps letting us-
...by dressing up as washer women...
SASoft and Anon
...washer women...
...and carrying us out in three large wicker laundry baskets?
SASoft and Anon
...three large wicker laundry baskets...
No, I suppose not. [goes back into the cell]
SSoft
[to Anon] Here comes the wife.
[The guards stand to attention. Anon opens the cell door for Edmund's wife, Princess Leia, and the Queen]
[giggles] You look funny!
Yes-I've had all my hair cut off.
Look, there's no news of a reprieve, is there?
Oh, no, everyone's really looking forward to it. Hello, boys.
PBPercy and Baldrick
Good morning, Your Majesty...
I have to go to my room, which isn't fair, but, in fact... [steps forward, leans closer to them]
PEPrince Edmund, Percy and Baldrick
[excited] Yes?
I think I might even get a better view from the window!
[disappointed] Oh, great...
Well, I think I better be going. [turns to leave, but the Queen mouths to her, "Don't forget something," so she turns back] Oh yes, your mummy asked me to give you this. [holds out a bag]
[excited again, eagerly tries to take out what's inside] Oh great! What is it, a knife? A file? A small bucket of water?
[giggles] No, silly! It's a dolly.
So it is. Yes it is. Great, great. It's just what we needed.
Goodbye, Edmund. [she and the Queen begin to walk out]
Goodbye, dear. [surprised that his mother didn't say her last goodbye] Mother!
Yes? Oh, bye bye, dear. [she and Leia leave]
[Later, outside; the Witchsmeller carries a large cross, chanting "Burn the witch!" to excite the crowd as Edmund, Percy and Baldrick are carried in on wooden racks behind him; the Witchsmeller stands by the waiting kindling, where Harry is standing, while the trio are put against the stake]
I suppose, really, this must be one of the most difficult parts of the job for you.
WWitchsmeller
[disinterested] Yes.
And for the witch, as well.
WWitchsmeller
Of course. [takes the torch out of the kindling as the crowd cheers]
My Lord, I have a cunning plan.
Oh, [coughs] off, Baldrick! I think I might be able to stall him.
WWitchsmeller
Well, Grumbledook, your time has come. Do you wish to confess?
WWitchsmeller
Very well. [moves to light the pyre]
WWitchsmeller
CONFESSION!
[The crowd cheers]
I would like to confess in front of God, and this rather small crowd, that I have, on occasion, done things wrong.
WWitchsmeller
Be more specific.
Well, I have erred and strayed like a lost ox-
Er, sheep. I have, uh, coveted my father's adultery.
WWitchsmeller
Get on with it!
I...I have not honored my neighbor's ass.
WWitchsmeller
Oh, light the fires!
I'm a witch! I'm a witch!
[The crowd cheers. Later, the fire is blazing; the crowd is chanting "Burn! Burn! Burn!"]
Oh, damn, I'm not even comfortable. [drops the doll into the fire; it is of a hooded figure with bright red eyes carrying a large cross]
WWitchsmeller
[suddenly dropping the torch] Agh! How fast this heat travels! [shielding himself from the fire with his cloak]
[isn't looking] Yes, it is a touch warm, isn't it?
[The doll begins to smoke, as does the Witchsmeller]
WWitchsmeller
I feel as if I am on fire!
[still isn't looking] I know, I'm rather regretting my choice of undergarments, as well.
[The Witchsmeller's cross suddenly caught fire]
WWitchsmeller
I'm burning! I'm burning! I'm burning!
[The doll catches aflame, as does the Witchsmeller]
[still isn't even looking] Yes, but I expect you're jolly glad of that cloak in the winter. [Witchsmeller staggers around, on fire; he finally notices the Witchsmeller burning to death] Good lord!
[The Witchsmeller screams as he dies. The flames around Edmund, Percy and Baldrick fade, then their bonds are broken]
Yes, that was a close shave. [runs his hand across his shaven head] Thank you, Baldrick.
[Baldrick shrugs, baffled]
[In the castle, the King enters the anteroom feeling fine. The Queen's doing some knitting while Leia watches what's going on outside]
[chuckles happily] 'Morning, Princess.
What's going on out there?
Well, Uncle Harry was going to burn Edmund alive, when the doll came along-
Darling, shh, shh, shh. [to her husband] Nothing, my dear. It's all sorted out now.
[The Queen turns, winks and twitches her nose at the camera. Sparkles fly out of her eyes. Leia looks on in surprise. The Black Adder logo comes from her mouth as the closing theme begins]
KKate
Father, I must speak. I can be silent no longer. All day long, you mutter to yourself, jibber, dribble, moan, and bash your head against the wall yelling "I want to die!". It's Mother, isn't it?
KSKate's Father
No it's not.
KKate
You're brooding over her death, aren't you?
KSKate's Father
Kate, for the final time, your mother's not dead. She's run off with your Uncle Henry!
KKate
I know you only say such things to comfort me.
KSKate's Father
Your mother is alive and well and living in Droitwich! It's not her I brood over. I'm sad because our poverty has now reached such extremes that I can no longer afford to keep us. I must look to my own dear, tiny darling to sustain me in my frail dotage.
KKate
But, Father, surely-?
KSKate's Father
Yes, Kate. I want you to become a prostitute.
KSKate's Father
Do you defy me?!
KKate
Why, indeed I do! For it is better to die poor than to live in shame and ignominy!
KSKate's Father
No it isn't.
KKate
I'm young and strong and clever. And my nose is pretty. I shall find another way to make us a living.
KSKate's Father
Oh, please go on the game. It's a steady job, and you'd be working from home!
KKate
Goodbye, Father. [kisses his hand] I shall go to London, disguise myself as a boy and seek my fortune! [runs off]
KSKate's Father
But why walk all the way to London when you can make a fortune lying on your back?!
Oh, don't bother apologising. I'm sorry you're alive.
Not bad, Edmund. Ah, I see the target's ready. I'd like to see the Spaniard who could make his way past me.
Well, go to Spain. There are millions of them.
I advise them to stay there then, keep their hands off our women.
Oh god, who is she this time?
I don't know what you mean.
[swipes the pink note sticking out of Percy's tunic, opens it and kicks Percy when he tries to take it back] Ah, and who is Jane?
I am sworn to secrecy. Torture me, kill me, you shall never know. [Blackadder, without looking, kicks him in the groin] Jane Harrington! We are very much in love, my lord.
This is the Jane Harrington?
Jane "Bury-Me-In-A-Y-Shaped-Coffin" Harrington?
Um, I think maybe there are two Jane Harringtons.
No, tall, blonde, elegant?
Goes like a privy door when the plague's in town?
Go on, get on with your shot. You'll get over her. I did. [Percy, breathing heavily to calm himself, readies his shot] So did Baldrick, actually.
[Percy slips, shooting Baldrick in the groin, causing Baldrick to scream in agony for seconds]
See, she's got this thing about beards, apparently.
Well, in that case, I'm going to shave!
[Baldrick has just been fired in favour of "Bob"]
I've got nowhere to go, my lord.
Oh, surely you'll be allowed to starve to death in one of the royal parks?
I've been in your service since I was two-and-a-half, my lord.
Well, that must be why I'm so utterly sick of the sight of you.
Couldn't I just stay here and do the same job but for no wages?
Well, you know where you'd have to live.
Yes. And you'd have to work a bit harder, too.
DLDoctor Leech
Now then, what seems to be the problem?
Well, it's my manservant.
DLDoctor Leech
I see. Well, don't be embarrassed. If you've got the pox, just pop your, er, manservant on the table and we'll take a look at it.
No, I mean, it's my real manservant.
DLDoctor Leech
Uh-huh. And what's wrong with him?
There's nothing wrong with him. That's the problem. He's perfect. And last night, I almost kissed him.
DLDoctor Leech
I see. So you've started fancying boys, then?
DLDoctor Leech
Yes, well, let's not split hairs. It's all rather disgusting, and, naturally, you're worried.
DLDoctor Leech
Of course you are. It isn't every day a man wakes up to discover he's a screaming bender with no more right to live on God's clean Earth than a weasel. Ashamed of yourself?
DLDoctor Leech
Bloody hell, I would be. Still, why should I complain? Just leaves more rampant totty for us real men.
Look, am I paying for this abuse or is it extra?
DLDoctor Leech
No, all part of the service. I think you're in luck, though. An extraordinary new cure has just been found for exactly this kind of sick and sordid problem.
It wouldn't have anything to do with leeches, would it?
DLDoctor Leech
I had no idea you were a medical man.
I've never had anything you doctors didn't try to cure with leeches. A leech on my ear for earache, a leech on my bottom for constipation.
DLDoctor Leech
They're marvelous, aren't they?
Well, the bottom one wasn't. I just sat down and squashed it.
DLDoctor Leech
You know, the leech comes to us on the highest authority.
Yes, I'd heard that. Doctor Hoffmann of Stuttgart, I believe.
DLDoctor Leech
That's right, the great Hoffmann.
Owner of the largest leech farm in Europe.
DLDoctor Leech
Yes. Well, I can't spend all day gossiping. I'm a busy man. As far as this case is concerned, I've now had time to think it over, and I can strongly recommend...
DLDoctor Leech and Blackadder
A course of leeches.
Just pop a couple down my codpiece before I go to bed?
DLDoctor Leech
No, no, no. Don't be ridiculous. This isn't the Dark Ages. Just pop four in your mouth in the morning and let them dissolve slowly. In a couple of weeks, you'll be beating your servant with a stick just like the rest of us.
You're just an old quack, aren't you?
DLDoctor Leech
I'd rather be a quack than a ducky. Good day!
Tell me, young crone, is this Putney?
YCYoung Crone
[cackling] That it be! That it be!
[annoyed] "Yes, it is," not "That it be". And you don't have to talk in that stupid voice to me, I'm not a tourist! I seek information about a Wise Woman.
YCYoung Crone
The Wise Woman? The Wise Woman?!
YCYoung Crone
Two things, my Lord, must ye know of the Wise Woman. First...she is a woman! And second...she is...
YCYoung Crone
[normal] You do know her, then?
No, just a wild stab in the dark - which, incidentally, is what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful! Do you know where she lives?
YCYoung Crone
'Ere. Do you have an appointment?
YCYoung Crone
Oh...you can go in anyway.
Thank you, young crone. Here is a purse of monies... [she tries to grab it] which I'm not going to give to you. [walks in]
WWWise Woman
Hail, Edmund, Lord of Adders Black!
WWWise Woman
Step no nearer, for already I see thy bloody purpose. Thou plottest, Blackadder. Thou wouldst be king and drown Middlesex in a butte of wine! [cackling]
No, it's far worse than that. I'm in love with my manservant.
WWWise Woman
Oh, well, I'd sleep with him if I were you.
WWWise Woman
When I fancy people, I sleep with them. Oh, I have to drug them first, of course, being so old and warty.
But what about my position, my social life?
WWWise Woman
Very well. Three other paths are open to you. Three cunning plans to cure thy ailment.
WWWise Woman
The first is simple - kill Bob!
WWWise Woman
Then try the second - kill yourself.
WWWise Woman
The third is to ensure that no one else ever knows.
Ah, that sounds more like it. How?
WWWise Woman
Kill everybody in the whole world! [cackling]
I bring grave intelligence about your former favourite, Lord Blackadder. He wishes to marry a girl called Bob.
That's a very odd name for a girl, isn't it? Girls are normally called Elizabeth. Or Mary.
Mouth is open, Nursie, should be shut.
It's true, sweet one. I had three sisters and they were called Donald, Eric and Basil.
Then why's your name Nursie?
[smiles] Suits you, actually.
KKate
You'll make a lovely bridesmaid, Baldrick. It's a pity I don't have any girl chums, because we were so poor growing up, we couldn't afford friends.
It is strangely in keeping with the manner of our courtship that your maid of honour should be a man.
Well, I use the word 'man' in its broadest possible sense. For as we all know, God made man in His own image. It'd be a sad lookout for Christians around the globe if God looked anything like you, Baldrick.
KKate
Ignore old Mister Grumpy. There you are, Balders. [kisses him on the cheek] You look sweet as a little pie.
Kate, he looks like what he is, a dungball in a dress.
Right Baldrick, let's try again, shall we? This is called adding. [gestures to the beans on the table] If I have two beans, and then I add two more beans, what do I have?
[smiles] Yes. And no. Let's try again, shall we? I have two beans, then I add two more beans. What does that make?
[impatiently] Baldrick, the ape-creatures of the Indus have mastered this. Now try again. [helps him count] One, two, three, four. So how many are there?
Three and 'that one'. [waves the fourth bean in front of Baldrick's face] So if I add that one to the three, what will I have?
[pause] Yes. To you, Baldrick, the Renaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn't it?
What are you wearing around your neck?
You look like a bird who's swallowed a plate.
It's the latest fashion, actually, and as a matter of fact, it makes me look rather sexy!
To another plate-swallowing bird, perhaps. If it was blind and hadn't had it in months.
I think you may be wrong.
You're a sad, laughable figure, aren't you, Percy? Baldrick, what do you think of Percy's new ruff?
Some beans and some beans is four beans.
No, now we've moved on from advanced mathematics, we're on to elementary dress-making. What do you think of Percy's new ruff?
I think he looks like a bird who's swallowed a plate, my Lord.
No, that's what I think. What do you think? Try to have a thought of your own, Baldrick; thinking is so important. What do you think?
I think thinking is so important, my Lord.
I give up! I'm off to see the Queen.
No, best not. People might think we're friends. You stay here with Baldrick. Bird-Neck and Bird-Brain should get on like a house on fire.
