Doctor Leech, Blackadder and others in “Unfinished Business”

Now then, what seems to be the problem?

Well, it's my manservant.

I see. Well, don't be embarrassed. If you've got the pox, just pop your, er, manservant on the table and we'll take a look at it.

No, I mean, it's my real manservant.

Uh-huh. And what's wrong with him?

There's nothing wrong with him. That's the problem. He's perfect. And last night, I almost kissed him.

I see. So you've started fancying boys, then?

Not boys, a boy.

Yes, well, let's not split hairs. It's all rather disgusting, and, naturally, you're worried.

Of course I'm worried!

Of course you are. It isn't every day a man wakes up to discover he's a screaming bender with no more right to live on God's clean Earth than a weasel. Ashamed of yourself?

Not really, no.

Bloody hell, I would be. Still, why should I complain? Just leaves more rampant totty for us real men.

Look, am I paying for this abuse or is it extra?

No, all part of the service. I think you're in luck, though. An extraordinary new cure has just been found for exactly this kind of sick and sordid problem.

It wouldn't have anything to do with leeches, would it?

I had no idea you were a medical man.

I've never had anything you doctors didn't try to cure with leeches. A leech on my ear for earache, a leech on my bottom for constipation.

They're marvelous, aren't they?

Well, the bottom one wasn't. I just sat down and squashed it.

You know, the leech comes to us on the highest authority.

Yes, I'd heard that. Doctor Hoffmann of Stuttgart, I believe.

That's right, the great Hoffmann.

Owner of the largest leech farm in Europe.

Yes. Well, I can't spend all day gossiping. I'm a busy man. As far as this case is concerned, I've now had time to think it over, and I can strongly recommend...

A course of leeches.

Just pop a couple down my codpiece before I go to bed?

No, no, no. Don't be ridiculous. This isn't the Dark Ages. Just pop four in your mouth in the morning and let them dissolve slowly. In a couple of weeks, you'll be beating your servant with a stick just like the rest of us.

You're just an old quack, aren't you?

I'd rather be a quack than a ducky. Good day!