Scenes with Prince Edmund 37
[We dissolve to room outside the throne room. King is looking out the window, bored]
We're all terribly pleased you're back, Father.
I'm not. I miss the smell of blood in my nostrils, and the queen's 'got a headache'.
Oh dear. But we do have a fascinating week ahead. In fact, the Archbishop of York has asked me if you'd care to join his formation Italian dance class, and I really ought to give him an answer.
Do you want me to be honest or tactful?
Has the little hooligan McAngus left?
No, Edmund's giving him a last look round the castle now.
[We cut to outside at the top of the castle, and Edmund shows McAngus the view from an archer's battlement, then turns away]
PEPrince Edmund
...While this... [shows McAngus a cannon]
[We cut back to the King and Harry]
[to Harry] Well, I'll be sorry to see him go.
[We cut back to the roof]
[with his head down the mouth of the cannon] Och, very interestin'. [Edmund moves to behind the cannon]
[Back inside]
[to his father] Yes, and so will Edmund. They've become firm friends.
[Then a very loud sound is heard from outside]
PEPrince Edmund
Father! Harry! There's been rather a messy accident. You must come quickly!
Oh my God! I shall need my plunger! [rushs out, followed by the King]
[Edmund jumps for joy as the end credits start]
[That night, Edmund, Percy and Baldrick sit before a fire]
Who do you think will take over?
PEPrince Edmund
Oh, I don't know. It'll be one of the bishop fellows, I should imagine. They tend to go for religious types.
Rumor has it, my lord, that the King wants to choose Prince Harry.
PEPrince Edmund
[not paying much attention to Baldrick] Oh really?
[driving home the point] Prince Harry, Archbishop, my lord...?
PEPrince Edmund
[perked up] Good lord! Prince Harry, Archbishop! And we all know what happens to Archbishops, don't we?
Yes! They go to Canterbury.
PEPrince Edmund
No no no no no no no! [makes a quacking noise as he runs his finger across his throat]
Oh yes! [makes the same sound and gesture; he and Edmund laugh]
PEPrince Edmund
Are you sure about your source, Baldrick?
Yeah, it was Jane Smart. You know, she was the one who told me about the Duchess of Kent and the chocolate chastity belt.
PEPrince Edmund
Oh yes! She's quite reliable! Well! With Harry gone, [all three do throat-cutting finger gestures; Edmund stands, they do too] the Black Adder will be...
PBPercy and Baldrick
King!...Next.
PEPrince Edmund
Yes. Today could be one of the most important days of my life so far. Percy, I shall require my most splendid garments for the ceremonies.
[bows] Certainly, my lord. Hat, my lord?
PEPrince Edmund
Trojan, I think.
PEPrince Edmund
The Italian.
...And codpiece, my lord?
PEPrince Edmund
Well, let's go for the Black Russian, shall we? It always terrifies the clergy! [laughs ridiculously]
[We cut to the court where Edmund wears a ridiculous metal helmet, an enormous protruding black codpiece, and pointed black boots with little chains going from the calves to the toes]
PEPrince Edmund
Have you heard any more good rumors, Baldrick?
Not really, my lord. Apparently Lord Wilders is keeping a sheep in his bedroom, but nothing on the appointment, no.
PEPrince Edmund
Ah, fair enough.
[Edmund looked over at some clergymen and smiled. They stared at his codpiece, almost in fright. The Queen arrived]
[disgusted] What are you doing dressed like this, Edmund?
PEPrince Edmund
Like what, sorry?
Well, this enormous nonsense here! [taps his codpiece with a boing sound effect, and walks away. Harry sees this and shakes his head. Then fanfare begins]
PEPrince Edmund
[to his friends] Fingers crossed...
Members of the Court and, uh, Clergy: I have, at last, after careful consultation with the Lord God; His Son, Jesus Christ; and His Insubstantial Friend, the Holy Ghost, decided upon the next Archbishop. [there is a murmuring among those gathered] May he last longer in his post than his predecessors.
PEPrince Edmund
[to his friends] Fat chance!
I appoint, to the Holy See of Canterbury, my own son... [Baldrick and Percy are very excited; Edmund points toward Harry]...Edwin, Duke of Edinburgh! [Edmund is terrified] Archbishop, we salute thee.
[Everyone kneels before Edmund, except Percy]
[shakes hands with Edmund] Congratulations, my lord!
[Edmund shakes him free before Percy kneels. The clergymen, kneeling, are face-to-codpiece with Edmund. He put his hands over it, but it's too large to conceal. He takes one of the clergymen's hats and hangs it on the codpiece. He then turns around and nearly hit Baldrick in the face with the codpiece]
[We cut to the main hall where the King is playing arm wrestling with Harry]
Keep going, keep going. Use both hands! [Harry does so] Very good, very good... [Harry loses] Well done, well done, Harry. [there's a knock at the door] Enter!
PEPrince Edmund
[enters, bowing repeatedly, and continuing throughout the scene] Your Majesty.
PEPrince Edmund
Um, there were just a couple of points, um, about my appointment, um, before things really firmed up.
PEPrince Edmund
Um, personally, could I-
PEPrince Edmund
Oh, fine. [backs up several paces] And, er, secondly-
Don't be mistaken about this appointment, Edward. I've always despised you!
PEPrince Edmund
Well, you are my father. I mean, you're biased.
You, compared to your beloved brother, Harry, are as excrement compared to cream!
Oh, my lord, you flatter me!
PEPrince Edmund
And me, also!
So now, my boy, when I've at last found a use for you, don't try to get out of it!
PEPrince Edmund
Oh no, no, no, no, no! I just thought someone else, someone equally weak-willed and feeble-
PEPrince Edmund
Of course not. Or perhaps someone who believed in God-
No, no, no! If I needed someone who believed in God, I'd have chosen Harry! Not an embarrassing little weed like you.
PEPrince Edmund
Oh, well, I think that's everything cleared up. Goodness, it must be almost time for evensong. Must be going.
[calmly] Egbert... [Edmund tries to pretend not to hear] Come here. [Edmund does so. He bows repeatedly, and begin to kiss Richard's hand, until he grabs him] A word of advice: if you cross me now, or ever, I shall do unto you what God did unto the Sodomites.
I don't think that's a very good idea.
PEPrince Edmund
Well, I shall make myself available for all eventualities. Thank you so much. [steps backwards, bowing repeatedly, and bumps into a set of drawers. Then he adjusts his movements, and he backs out into an open hallway. He turns] Flee!
[We dissolve to outside the castle where Edmund is getting ready for his escape. He stands at the back of a large cart]
PEPrince Edmund
We've got the thumbscrews, the foot-crusher, the nose-hooks, those long rods you [he moves his fist as though he's holding a rod vertically] ram around, er...Oh! Where's the dwarf?
DDwarf
[a cloth moves as he pushes from behind it] Here, my lord.
[The King, Harry and a warrior appear in the doorway]
PEPrince Edmund
[weakly] Hail...
PEPrince Edmund
[stepping forward slowly] Umm, yes...
PEPrince Edmund
C-Canterbury...?
[smiles] Good, good! Harry here will accompany you. I would hate to see you murdered before your investiture. Chiswick! Fresh horses! [he and the warrior leave]
[comes from around the cart] My lord, if we're going to catch the boat to France, you'll have to hurry.
[confused] Um, boat to France?
PEPrince Edmund
Um, you off to France, Percy?
[confused] I thought we all were.
PEPrince Edmund
No, no, uh, Harry and I are off to Canterbury, aren't we, Harry?
[understands] Oh, I see. You've changed your plan.
PEPrince Edmund
No, no, not really. The only change is if you could go and put your face in some manure, and the keep a reasonable distance. That'll be fine. Harry...?
[Later, Harry and Edmund are riding on the horses]
...And another thing that bothers me, Your Grace: suppose my right hand offends me, and I cut it off, well, what if my left hand offends me as well? I mean, what do I cut it off with?
PEPrince Edmund
Er, yes, yes, that is a knotty one...
[They ride on, the cart is being pulled by Baldrick and Percy. Percy's face is covered with manure. They pass by a pair of peasants]
P1Peasant 1
Here; who was that?
P2Peasant 2
I don't know. But that tall fellow, he had a face full of manure.
P1Peasant 1
Now that's what I call style.
[Canterbury...Edmund's investiture; presiding is Herbert, the temporary Archbishop of Canterbury]
HHerbert
Do you, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh, believe in God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Ghost?
PEPrince Edmund
[looks around; the King mouths "Yes!" to him] Um, yes.
HHerbert
I then name thee Archbishop of Canterbury and Primate of all England. [places the hat on Edmund's head]
[Edmund sneezes as a result of the incense, and blows his nose into his robe. He walks down the aisle, swinging the incense holder far too hard, knocking over the people standing along the aisle, until finally it slips from his hand and flies across the church]
His investiture over, Archbishop Edmund the Unwilling swiftly adopted the ways of the cloth. But ever the shadow of his father's threat hung over him, until, at last, one day...
[Edmund and Baldrick are walking outside]
PEPrince Edmund
Tell me, Brother Baldrick, exactly what did God do to the Sodomites?
I don't know, My Lord, but I can't imagine it was worse than what they used to do to each other.
[Suddenly, an armored man delivers a scroll to Edmund]
PEPrince Edmund
Oh my God, this is it! Baldrick, go and get my Lord Bishop of Ramsgate!
PEPrince Edmund
Get Percy! Get Percy! [sees the spikes on the man's helmet] My life is hanging by a thread!
[He, Percy and Baldrick set out on horseback]
[Inside the nunnery, they find the bedroom empty apart from three nuns praying at another altar-thing]
Little sisters of indolence, three men came in. Which way did they go?
PEPrince Edmund
[covering his mouth; speaks falsetto] Oh, I think they went that way.
[They begin to walk away]
JJustin
Wait! They'll be watching out for us dressed like this. Quick! In here. [motions to one of the bed areas]
[Edmund, Percy, and Baldrick begin walking away, but run into the knights, who are also dressed as nuns. All five giggle like girls, covering their mouths, particularly Justin, who has a full beard]
[falsetto] Pray, Sister, have you seen two burly knights pass this way?
[falsetto] No, Sister. More's the pity, eh?
[Justin looks at George, a bit shocked]
JJustin
[falsetto, to Baldrick] Why don't you try that way?
[normally] Thank you very much.
JJustin
[normally] You're welcome.
[The two parties turn away, but then pause, and realize who the other group is, draw swords and begin fighting, except Baldrick, who doesn't have a sword]
[Elsewhere in the nunnery, the Mother Superior and Sister Sara are walking through the hallways]
SSSister Sara
And yet, Mother Superior... [back to the fight for one second] ...does not St. Paul say in the Ephesians... [back to the fight for one second] "A woman is like a bat..." [back to the fight for one second] "...often heard but never seen"? [back to the fight for one second]
No, I don't think so, Sara. [back to the fight for one second] Shall we check the dormitory?
SSSister Sara
[smiles] Oh, yes, Mother Superior. What a good idea.
[In the dormitory, Percy holds his own sword as well as Edmund's, while George just hits each sword, not making much effort to actually hit Percy. Edmund knocks over Justin, whose sword is stuck in one of the wooden partitions, and climbs on top of him. Baldrick, meanwhile, has found himself on top of a real nun in one of the beds. The Mother Superior and Sister Sara enter]
[fuming] Girls! Girls! Girls! [Percy and George drop the swords and jump into the beds] If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: fighting in the dormitory is completely forbidden! Who is the ringleader here? [looks and points at Edmund] You! Yes, you. The plain girl. [takes off headgear] Oh my God! It's the Archbishop of Canterbury!
SSSister Sara
[removes Justin's headgear] And a man! [screams]
PEPrince Edmund
Er, I think I can explain. [laughs uneasily]
[Later, in the Mother Superior's office; Sara is "whipping" Edmund, but actually just tapping the crop against his bottom]
PEPrince Edmund
And that, sweet lady, is the whole story.
Let us go over the facts again. Having been appointed Archbishop, you found that all your interests lay in the beauty of your vestments?
PEPrince Edmund
Ahh, the fine embroidery...
Unable to resist the slide into depravity, you began to dress up in the habit of a nun.
PEPrince Edmund
I could not resist the texture of the Hessian underthings.
[sarcastically] Ooh, I can understand that. Then, you forced the Bishop of Ramsgate and one Brother Baldrick to do so also.
PEPrince Edmund
Oh, may I be cursed for it!
And finally, you got two knights drunk and invited them to come and wrestle with you inside the nunnery in an orgy of heathen perversity?
PEPrince Edmund
That's it, Your Grace.
It bears the ring of truth, and I must therefore tell you that this morning I have written urgently to all three popes recommending your immediate excommunication. Nevermore may you be Archbishop of Canterbury!
PEPrince Edmund
[mock disappointment] Oh dear! [grins to himself]
That's enough, Sister Sara; I think he's learned his lesson. [Sister Sara stops tapping]
PEPrince Edmund
Sorry? [then realizes, and feigns pain] Oh, ow, ow, ow.
[standing up] Go, sinner, and meet thy doom!
[Edmund exits into the corridor, and opens the door, with a light at the end of the hallway; he walks slowly toward the light, cleans out his ear and scratches himself a bit as he goes. He emerges into the hallway and find Percy and Baldrick, who are holding Edmund's clothes]
PEPrince Edmund
Quick! The nunnery's on fire!
[He, Percy, and Baldrick run off as the end credits starts]
[On the castle ramparts at night, in darkness; two hooded figures meet]
LLady
O noble prince, your secret note of love has won my heart. The castle of my body is yours by right of conquest. Come, let your tongue dive into the moat of my mouth and let your hands take possession of the ramparts of my plumpies, for I’m yours [removes her cloak] and yours alone!
PEPrince Edmund
[taking off his hood to reveal himself] And I’m yours!
LLady
Eugh! Edmund! I thought you your brother! [pushes Edmund off the rampart; dogs are heard attacking him]
[Opening theme]
[We cut to Edmund's room where Percy sits alone, holding his head as though in pain; Edmund and Baldrick rush in]
PEPrince Edmund
Oh my God! In twenty-four hours, I'll be married to a walrus! [locks the door]
But, my lord, you can't just lock her out, you know.
PEPrince Edmund
Well, you may be right. [pulls on a rope, causing a metal gate to shut down in the doorway; he then holds a club with several metal spikes coming out] That should hold her for at least a minute!
Wait a moment, my lord! I think I have a plan which could get you out of this mess.
PEPrince Edmund
Yes, but it's a stupid plan, Percy, let's face it.
Oh, yes. Yes, maybe you're right.
PEPrince Edmund
But tell me what it is anyway!
Ah, no, actually, I don't think I will, my lord.
PEPrince Edmund
Please, Percy, tell me what your plan is! Please tell me!
[enjoying seeing Edmund grovel, and chuckles to himself] Alright! I go to the Infanta's room and tell her that you've gone mad. She comes to the door and you meet her disguised as a little pig. Then, this is the cunning part, instead of saying 'oink, oink', you say 'Moo!'
Well, then she'll know you're mad and leave!
PEPrince Edmund
[gestures in Percy's direction, and when Percy looks behind him, he slaps Percy on the cheek] You're right, you shouldn't have bothered.
I also have a plan. Why not make her think you prefer the company of men?
PEPrince Edmund
I do, Baldrick! I do!
No, no, my lord. I mean, erm, the, er, intimate company of men...
PEPrince Edmund
[horrified] You don't mean...like the Earl of Doncaster...?
I mean just like the Earl of Doncaster.
PEPrince Edmund
That great radish? That steaming great left-footer? The Earl of Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was 17.
Mm! And who would want to marry the Earl of Doncaster?
PEPrince Edmund
Well, no-one wou- [understanding] Brilliant! Of course! No one would marry the Earl of Doncaster!...except, perhaps, the Duke of Beaufort. Well, what are we going to do?
Well, first we've got to get you looking right. Just need to drape something effeminate round your shoulders.
PEPrince Edmund
Either of the Beaufort Twins should do.
[A while later; Edmund now has some bright green fabric draped off his shoulders]
Right, perfect. Now all you need to do is practice with Percy.
PEPrince Edmund
[shocked] Practice what?
PEPrince Edmund
Oh, I see.
[moving Percy] You stand over here, and, my lord, just there. Right; now, Percy, Lord Edmund is going to try and make himself attractive to you.
PEPrince Edmund
You know, like the Earl of Doncaster.
Good lord! Well, er, fair enough. [waves seductively at Edmund]
PEPrince Edmund
No, you act normal! I'm the Earl of Doncaster!
PEPrince Edmund
It's me...Right.
Right. [holds his arm between them, rather like the referee of a boxing match] Go! [stands aside]
[Edmund makes funny faces, not seductive at all]
PEPrince Edmund
Oh my God, this is impossible! I can't do this!
Never mind. I've a couple more things that might help. [exits]
PEPrince Edmund
Percy, Percy, what am I going to do?
Well, perhaps we could try and strike up a conversation.
PEPrince Edmund
Ah, right. Erm...
[in a high-pitched, not falsetto, voice] Hello there!
PEPrince Edmund
[in his normal voice] Er, hello. How are you?
I'm fine. Have you heard? Prince Edmund's going to marry the Spanish Infanta.
PEPrince Edmund
No, he damned well isn't!!! [attacking Percy] And anyone who marries the Infanta will get creamed! Do you hear me?
[Percy falls to the floor on his hands and knees. Edmund comes up behind him, grabbing Percy's neck. Baldrick enters, carrying some more effeminate clothing, and sees them in this position]
[smiling] Yes, that's the kind of thing!
[Edmund quickly stands up]
[In a corridor, Baldrick knocks a monk, Reverend Lloyd, unconscious. Edmund runs down the field where a man is on one knee, giving a bundle of flowers to a woman. Edmund, still in his "effeminate" dress, runs between them, ending up with the flowers. Percy chats with a woman, Tally, in a small cottage; she's surprised with a smile and giggles when she hears what he says. Later, in the cottage, Lloyd is setting up a makeshift altar; Tally is still giggling]
PEPrince Edmund
Percy, is she the best you could do? I mean, I am marrying the woman!
Yes, I know, but it’s only for a couple of days, isn't it...
PEPrince Edmund
Ah yes, that's true. Come on, hurry up, Father!
RLReverend Lloyd
Er, yes, very well. Er, we are gathered here, O gracious Lord, to bear witness, at very short notice... [Tally giggles] ...to the marriage of these two God-fearing Christians: er, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh, and, er, Tally Applebottom. [Tally giggles again] Is that right?
TTally
Yes, that's right. Whoever would have thought it? The Duke of Edinburgh, consumed with passion, whisks away little Tally! [laughs]
PEPrince Edmund
Shut up!!! Come on, get on with it, Father, will you?
RLReverend Lloyd
Yes, very well. Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh?
PEPrince Edmund
No, I'm a bowl of soup! [Tally laughs] Come on, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up...
RLReverend Lloyd
And are you Miss Tally Applebottom?
RLReverend Lloyd
Er, Mrs.- [realizes] Ah...
PEPrince Edmund
Ah... [looks at Percy]
PEPrince Edmund
[stammers a bit] Well, never mind, get on with it, Father, come on!
RLReverend Lloyd
Yes, but surely if she's–
PEPrince Edmund
Look, the Church is never going to progress if it isn't just a bit adaptable!
Reverend Lloyd: But this is most unusual! [Baldrick holds a knife to Lloyd's throat] Well, mind you, hasn't the Church always dealt with the unusual? The miracle with the fishes, for example. We'll continue. [puts a hand behind his back, fingers crossed] So, no one knows any cause or just impediment why these persons may not joined together in holy matrimony.
[A man, Thomas, enters, carrying a scythe]
RLReverend Lloyd
Ah... [a bit confused] And, er, you are...?
RLReverend Lloyd
Then you are the father of the bride...
TThomas
No, I'm the husband of the...bride.
TTally
Oh, this is my husband, Thomas. Thomas, this is my fiancé, the Duke of Edinburgh. Prince Edmund, this is Thomas. Thomas, this is Father O'–
RLReverend Lloyd
...Smith! I called about the ducking-stool you found. [quickly begins to gather up his things]
PEPrince Edmund
[backs round and round as Thomas approaches him; Percy and Baldrick hide behind him] Mr. Applebottom, I was just wondering whether I could possibly have a temporary arrangement with your good lady. I only need her for a very short stint...
PEPrince Edmund
Look, you stupid peasant, all I want to do is marry your wife!
TThomas
Get out of here!!!
[Baldrick, Percy and Edmund leave in fear]
TTally
[shocked at her husband's behavior] That was the Duke of Edinburgh, you know!
TThomas
No, that'll be the Earl of Doncaster.
[We cut to Edmund’s room where Edmund, Percy and Baldrick are wearing antlers, and none of them are at all excited; a dog is cooking over a fire]
PEPrince Edmund
I would never have believed that my stag party would be like this, the most depressing night of my life.
Well, my lord, at least you can take solace in one thing.
PEPrince Edmund
What's that?
We're pretty sure your wife's a virgin.
PEPrince Edmund
At least there are no living witnesses to the contrary. If she wasn't, we might still stand a chance. Officially, you've still got to be a virgin. [suddenly, an idea forms in Edmund's head and he looks at Percy]
What, my lord? [realizing Edmund is grinning, and begins to understand] Oh!
[Smiling, both of them look at Baldrick]
[chuckles nervously] Oh no. [understanding] No. [horrified] No!
PEPrince Edmund
Yes! Yes! YES!
Blackadder · 193 quotes
