[Later, outside the Infanta's bedroom; Edmund and Percy are dabbing perfume on Baldrick, who's in a nightshirt]
Please, my lord, I beg you to reconsider.
PEPrince Edmund
Baldrick, if there was any other way, you know I'd take it.
PEPrince Edmund
Don't worry, we'll give you a hero's funeral; bury you at sea; say you died in combat with an enemy vessel. That's it. There we are. Go on, in you go. [pats him on the head] Little boy with big job to do...Come on, Percy, let's get the King.
[Edmund leaves. Percy too, but then turns to Baldrick. They shakes hands, then they embrace for a while, Percy is half crying, and half laughing, then leaves. Baldrick enters the bedroom. The room is completely dark, and nothing can be seen]
IInfanta
Edmundo? Edmundo, amor mio!
DSDon Speekenglish
Oh Edmund, my love!
[We cut to the map room; Edmund and Percy enter]
PEPrince Edmund
My lord, Your Majesty.
[We cut to the dark bedroom where Baldrick and the Infanta are moaning, then back to the map room]
PEPrince Edmund
I bring the gravest of news.
What? Have our armies at the Rhine been slaughtered to a man, had their heads cut off and melted cheese poured down their nostrils in the traditional Swiss manner?
PEPrince Edmund
Um, no, my lord.
IInfanta
[back in the dark room] No te reprimas, por favor, pequeña.
DSDon Speekenglish
Don't hold back, please, my little one.
[back in the map room] Then is it news of the Russian royal family, mistaken for bison due to their excessive winter clothing, hunted down, chopped to pieces and eaten as little sweets by Mongolian bandits?
PEPrince Edmund
Um, no, my lord.
IInfanta
[back in the dark bedroom] Ooohhhhh!!!!
DSDon Speekenglish
Securo!
[back in the map room] Well, what then?
PEPrince Edmund
[acting distraught] My lord, the Spanish Infanta is not a virgin.
IInfanta
[back in the dark room] Oooooaaahh...
[back in the map room] Oh, yes, I know that.
IInfanta
[back in the dark room] Mas...
[back in the map room] Her uncle told me.
DSDon Speekenglish
[back in the dark room] Again please!
[back in the map room] We took five hundred off the dowry because of it.
PEPrince Edmund
But I thought-
Only one of you has to be a virgin! [Edmund is speechless. Percy looks confused] Anything else?
[Edmund turns away. Percy is about to say something, but Edmund shoos him outside, and follows Percy out]
[That evening, in Edmund and Leia's bedroom (separate beds); Edmund reads her a bedtime story]
PEPrince Edmund
"...and so it came to pass that the big bear had to leave all his friends in the forest, and go to live in a land far away, where the elves and the fairies would look after him until the day that he died."
[yawns] Oh, that was lovely, Edmund. What a happy story. Isn't it time to put the light out?
PEPrince Edmund
Yes, my dear, I think it is. It must be at least six o'clock... [blows out the candle as the end credits starts]
By the autumn of the Year of Our Lord, 1495, the Black Plague once again howled westwards across Europe from the Indies, carried by seamen and entering England by the South West Passage. Each day, thousands died. Village after village disappeared in its evil wake, and not even the best and noblest escaped its horror.
[Inside the corridor in the castle, Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh and his squire, Baldrick, are fiddling with a royal portrait while Lord Percy guards the corridor. Percy, however, turns his head round to see what Edmund is doing, and, at that moment, Edmund's older brother, Prince Harry, walks up to him]
Ah, Edmund, I'm glad I've caught you.
PEPrince Edmund
[hiding the portrait behind his back] Er, doing what?
I'm afraid Father's feeling a bit under the weather.
PEPrince Edmund
[a bit excited at the possibility of being closer to the throne] Oh dear! Any idea what?
Not sure. I think it's probably Black Death. Nevertheless, I am sure that he'd appreciate a little visit from you...
PEPrince Edmund
Oh. Well, I'm sure I can pop my head round the door...
[Later, Edmund, Percy and Baldrick are inside a cell. The Queen is outside of it]
Well, I suppose this is what comes of being a witch.
PEPrince Edmund
Mother, I'm not a witch!
Oh, Edmund, you always were a bit of a fibber.
PEPrince Edmund
Mother, I beg of you: use whatever power you have to help me.
I haven't had any power for years, you know.
PEPrince Edmund
But Father's sick! You must do something, otherwise...
PEPrince Edmund
Well, otherwise, I'll be burnt!
Ah, yes, this would be a pity.
PEPrince Edmund
Well, thanks.
I'll see if I can sort out something. [leaves]
My lord, I had an idea how to get out of this.
Send for all the greatest lawyers in the land, and they could save you!
PEPrince Edmund
Brilliant! Contact them at once.
I've already done it, My Lord! [holding up some pages of paper]
PEPrince Edmund
Oh, Percy, thank you! Are those the letters?
[a bit reluctant] Er, yes...
PEPrince Edmund
Read them.
[more reluctant] Very well. Erm, this is from Robert Wyatt in Somerset: [reading] "What you ask is against reason and God. I spit on you and your master, and look forward to passing water over both your graves at a later date."
PEPrince Edmund
Yes... [looks at another one, held by Baldrick] What does that one say?
PEPrince Edmund
Oh, "Stinker" Watts!
[reading, although Percy puts forward a hand as though he'd rather it wasn't read] "Dear Percy: I remember being at school with Prince Edmund and yourself, and so was very interested by your letter".
"May you both die horribly. Yours, John Watts."
PEPrince Edmund
Oh no, I'm doomed!
Wait a moment, My Lord! I have a cunning plan that cannot fail!
PEPrince Edmund
Oh! What is it?
[The guards, Soft and Anon, come into the foreground]
SSoft
My wife was wondering whether you'd like to come round for dinner tonight.
AAnon
Well, the food tastes like manure, and, frankly, I find you both very boring.
SSoft
Oh, fair enough. How about next Thursday, then?
AAnon
Er, yeah, that's lovely, yeah. About half eight?
SSoft
Yeah, all right, be there.
[Baldrick had finished telling his plan]
PEPrince Edmund
Brilliant! [laughs, and shakes Baldrick's hand] Well done, Baldrick! Very cunning! You may capture the eagle, but you cannot clip its wings!
[The guards chat some more]
SSoft
By the way, how's that eagle of yours?
AAnon
Oh, fine, fine. Mind you, I had a bit of trouble to start with, but, now I've clipped its wings, no problem!
[As the guards separate again, Edmund goes to the bars]
PEPrince Edmund
Tomorrow, I shall not be so meek! [laughs]
[Outside the castle, the stake is being prepared. A sign reads: "Public execution, by Burning, Friday August 11, Indoors If Wet". Back in the goal cell; Edmund and company are bald, each also wearing a ball-and-chain. Baldrick touched Edmund, with a plan]
PEPrince Edmund
[rushes to the bars to talk to the guards] Look, erm, you two, you wouldn't perhaps consider, for a pretty hefty reward, perhaps letting us-
PEPrince Edmund
...by dressing up as washer women...
SASoft and Anon
...washer women...
PEPrince Edmund
...and carrying us out in three large wicker laundry baskets?
SASoft and Anon
...three large wicker laundry baskets...
PEPrince Edmund
No, I suppose not. [goes back into the cell]
SSoft
[to Anon] Here comes the wife.
[The guards stand to attention. Anon opens the cell door for Edmund's wife, Princess Leia, and the Queen]
PEPrince Edmund
Hello, dear...
[giggles] You look funny!
PEPrince Edmund
Yes-I've had all my hair cut off.
PEPrince Edmund
Look, there's no news of a reprieve, is there?
Oh, no, everyone's really looking forward to it. Hello, boys.
PBPercy and Baldrick
Good morning, Your Majesty...
I have to go to my room, which isn't fair, but, in fact... [steps forward, leans closer to them]
PEPrince Edmund, Percy and Baldrick
[excited] Yes?
I think I might even get a better view from the window!
PEPrince Edmund
[disappointed] Oh, great...
Well, I think I better be going. [turns to leave, but the Queen mouths to her, "Don't forget something," so she turns back] Oh yes, your mummy asked me to give you this. [holds out a bag]
PEPrince Edmund
[excited again, eagerly tries to take out what's inside] Oh great! What is it, a knife? A file? A small bucket of water?
[giggles] No, silly! It's a dolly.
PEPrince Edmund
So it is. Yes it is. Great, great. It's just what we needed.
Goodbye, Edmund. [she and the Queen begin to walk out]
PEPrince Edmund
Goodbye, dear. [surprised that his mother didn't say her last goodbye] Mother!
Yes? Oh, bye bye, dear. [she and Leia leave]
[Later, outside; the Witchsmeller carries a large cross, chanting "Burn the witch!" to excite the crowd as Edmund, Percy and Baldrick are carried in on wooden racks behind him; the Witchsmeller stands by the waiting kindling, where Harry is standing, while the trio are put against the stake]
I suppose, really, this must be one of the most difficult parts of the job for you.
WWitchsmeller
[disinterested] Yes.
And for the witch, as well.
WWitchsmeller
Of course. [takes the torch out of the kindling as the crowd cheers]
My Lord, I have a cunning plan.
PEPrince Edmund
Oh, [coughs] off, Baldrick! I think I might be able to stall him.
WWitchsmeller
Well, Grumbledook, your time has come. Do you wish to confess?
WWitchsmeller
Very well. [moves to light the pyre]
PEPrince Edmund
Wait, yes! Yes, I do!
WWitchsmeller
CONFESSION!
[The crowd cheers]
PEPrince Edmund
I would like to confess in front of God, and this rather small crowd, that I have, on occasion, done things wrong.
WWitchsmeller
Be more specific.
PEPrince Edmund
Well, I have erred and strayed like a lost ox-
PEPrince Edmund
Er, sheep. I have, uh, coveted my father's adultery.
WWitchsmeller
Get on with it!
PEPrince Edmund
I...I have not honored my neighbor's ass.
WWitchsmeller
Oh, light the fires!
PEPrince Edmund
I'm a witch! I'm a witch!
[The crowd cheers. Later, the fire is blazing; the crowd is chanting "Burn! Burn! Burn!"]
PEPrince Edmund
Oh, damn, I'm not even comfortable. [drops the doll into the fire; it is of a hooded figure with bright red eyes carrying a large cross]
WWitchsmeller
[suddenly dropping the torch] Agh! How fast this heat travels! [shielding himself from the fire with his cloak]
[isn't looking] Yes, it is a touch warm, isn't it?
[The doll begins to smoke, as does the Witchsmeller]
WWitchsmeller
I feel as if I am on fire!
[still isn't looking] I know, I'm rather regretting my choice of undergarments, as well.
[The Witchsmeller's cross suddenly caught fire]
WWitchsmeller
I'm burning! I'm burning! I'm burning!
[The doll catches aflame, as does the Witchsmeller]
[still isn't even looking] Yes, but I expect you're jolly glad of that cloak in the winter. [Witchsmeller staggers around, on fire; he finally notices the Witchsmeller burning to death] Good lord!
[The Witchsmeller screams as he dies. The flames around Edmund, Percy and Baldrick fade, then their bonds are broken]
PEPrince Edmund
Well done, Baldrick!
Yes, that was a close shave. [runs his hand across his shaven head] Thank you, Baldrick.
[Baldrick shrugs, baffled]
Forgive me, Herr Blackadder...I have been neglecting my duties as a host. Please accept my apple-ogies.
I accept nothing from a man who imprisons his guests in a commode.
I hope this scum has not inconweenienced you.
EEdmund
It takes more than a maniac trying to cut off my goolies to inconweenience me.
Good. If he had inconweenienced you, I was going to offer you his tongue.
Believe me, sir: if he had inconweeniened me, you would not have a tongue with which to make such an offer.
Let me assure you, Herr Blackadder: if I no longer had a tongue with which to make such an offer, you would no longer have a tongue with which to tell me that, if I had inconweenienced you, I would no longer have a tongue with which to offer you his tongue.
EEdmund
Yes, well, enough of this banter. Who the hell are you, sausage breath?
You do not remember me then, Herr Blackadder?
I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
Oh, on the contrary. We have met many times, although you knew me by another name. Do you recall a mysterious black marketeer and smuggler called Otto with whom you used to dine and plot and play the biscuit game at the Old Pizzle in Dover?
EEdmund
I don't believe it! You? Big Sally?
[falsetto] `Will you have another piece of pie, My Lord?'
But I went to bed with you, didn't I?
For my country, I am willing to make any sacrifice.
Yes, but I'm not! I must have been paralytic!
Indeed you were, "Mr. Floppy".
Blackadder · 193 quotes
