Jake Malinak quotes from Becker

Jake Malinak

Revenge is a big part of your life, isn't it?

Dr. John Becker

You kidding me? It's the best part of waking up!

Reggie Kostas

Don't you have an ounce of romance in your soul?!

Jake Malinak

What makes you think he even has a soul?!

Dr. John Becker

Oh please, romance is like the cheese in a mousetrap; it's what baits you into position so the metal bar of reality can come snapping down on your neck!

Reggie Kostas

You're just upset because you were unlucky in love.

Dr. John Becker

I was not unlucky in love, I was unlucky in court.

[walking in] Jake.

Jake Malinak

[walking out] Jerk!

Jake

I might be running into some health problems. You see, I met this girl who's into astrology, right? She told me--

Dr. John Becker

Astrology! Congratulations, Reg. Psychology just moved up a notch.

Becker, astrology goes back thousands of years.

Dr. John Becker

Thousands years ago, people were crapping in their hats.

Jake Malinak

I know it's none of my business, but this Brad guy sounds a little young for you.

He's not that young.

Could you cut the crust off my sandwich?

Crust off. [gives thumbs up] Got it!

Dr. John Becker

You're fine, Jake. Just don't listen to any more of that astrology crap.

Jake Malinak

Yeah, I guess you're right. Although, I am an Ares and she did say that that's a fire sign--

Dr. John Becker

Oh, get out!

Dr. John Becker

Well, I went to my first anger class and it worked... I'm pissed as hell. I'm in a room with a bunch of psychos, they hand out pamphlets and get this: Its an anger symptom early warning device.

Its a rubber band.

Dr. John Becker

Oh! College girl! Anyway, I'm supposed to snap it every time I feel angry.

Jake Malinak

Doesn't that hurt?

Dr. John Becker

Yes.

Jake Malinak

Won't that make you more angry?

Dr. John Becker

Shut up.

Behavior modification works very well to help break behavioral patterns.

Dr. John Becker

Yeah, look Reg, a couple of classes at the institute of psychology and air conditioner repair doesn't qualify you to pepper me with dime-store generalities.

Becker

What's the matter with you people? I didn't kill that guy.

[coming out of phone booth] Hey, Becker, you know that guy you killed? I just got his job.

Becker

I didn't kill anybody, Bob! What'd you just say?

I'm your new super.

Becker

But Alexei just died this morning. How could you even know about the job?

I owe it all to Linda.

Becker

Linda helped you? My Linda?

If, by "help", you mean left your office as soon as she heard the old super croaked, ran to your building, gave them my resume--which, by the way, she wrote--acted as a reference, and wouldn't leave until they agreed to hire me, then, yeah, she helped!

Becker

But you don't know anything about being a super!

What's to know? Jake can do it, for crying out loud!

Jake

Hey!

Not to mention it's the deal of a lifetime--good salary, free apartment, and I get to sit on my ass all day and pretend I don't speak English. It's what I was born to do!

Becker

This can't be happening.

Don't worry. Whatever you need, day or night, my door is always open, and thanks to my new passkey, so is yours.

Reggie

Jake, do you realize what this means?

Jake

Yeah, Bob has someplace else to go.

Jake

Don't try sneaking a smoke, cause I already talked to Margaret and Linda. I have eyes everywhere.

Becker

You don't have eyes anywhere.

I'm telling you, if I don't get a tip from one of those lousy tenants soon, I'm shutting off their heat!

Jake

That oughta make you real popular!

Yeah? Screw 'em! I can't guarantee a white Christmas, but for some of those old farts, it's gonna be a blue one!

Jake Malinak

Reg, you know that after eating, you'll want to stretch your legs, which leads to taking a walk, which leads to your apartment, which leads to sex!

Fine, maybe I'll just meet him for dessert.

Jake Malinak

Bad idea; you'll eat too much, which leads to feeling fat, which leads to changing clothes, which leads to sex!

Reggie "Reggie" Kostas

Coffee?

Jake Malinak

Coffee! Coffee breath, mints, drug store, aisle 12, sex!

Can we meet for water?

Jake Malinak

WATER!? Why don't you just do it in the street!?

Hey, Jake. Where have you been?

Jake Malinak

My nana sent me package and it took me an hour to pick it up at the post office. Turns out forty-five minutes of that was me waiting in line for the ladies room.

Giving a blind man a Scrabble set it cruel. It would be like buying you a fish tank. It's a total waste.

Jake Malinak

I have a fish tank and I'll tell you why: I find the sounds of the bubbles to be very relaxing.

Look, Jake--

Bob.

No, I'm telling him: You do NOT have a fish tank. What you have is a toilet that needs to be jiggled!

Jake Malinak

Reggie?

Once you started naming the fish, we just didn't have the heart to tell you.

(reading the Scrabble box) "Special Edition: Can be enjoyed by the blind and sighted alike." Okay. Bob stands corrected. Let's play, Jake.

So, a blind man playing Scrabble is wrong, but you beating a blind man at Scrabble, you have no problem with.

Exactly.

Jake Malinak

It's okay, Reg. Let the little weasel put his money where his mouth is.

Oh, yeah? Fifty bucks!

Jake Malinak

I'm in!

Wow, look at this! Each tile's marked in braille.

Wait a minute. He can tell what they are? I'm out.

Jake Malinak

Damn, I was looking forward to it. I haven't played since I was a little kid.

Really? Well, why be a bad sport? I'm back in.