Hey, Jake. Let me ask you something. Say you're crossing the street and some guy yells at you because you're about to be hit by a bus.
Well, John, I'm tying to help you here, so...
All right, fine, fine. Fourth and Road. You happy? The point is...
Is it a local or an express?
What difference does it make?
Well, I want to know how fast it's going. Now, if it's a local, I know it's going to stop, but if it's an express, it's just going to come barreling through--
I don't know what kind of bus it is, all right?
Okay, fine, fine. So, I'm crossing the street, and here comes some kind of bus which may or may not be going fast enough to hit me.
Okay, you know what? The bus was going faster than I thought! You're dead!
Why does it always have to be the blind black guy crossing the street?
Oh, all right! Fine, Jake! It's a white guy crossing the street!
Now we're talkin'! Is he big and slow?
He's me! Okay?! I'm crossing the street!
ReggieOh, well that's easy. The bus hits you and nobody calls for help because everyone in this neighborhood knows you.
Reggie
You know Becker, I hate Valentine's Day too.
Woah! You and I agree on something?
Reggie
I know, it scares me too! But you're right; all the pressure- 'Will I get a date?', 'Won't I get a date?', 'Gotta get a date', 'Didn't get a date'- who needs it?
Congratulations John, you just claimed another soul!
Mr. Tetzloff, in your column, you also say that Dr. Becker insulted a black man...
Hey! Hey, wait a minute. It's the same guy. You can't count him twice.
[listening with Reggie and Bob] Remind me, Reg. Why do I like him?
Reggie
Come on, Becker. Just say the name of the diner. Just say the name.
And besides, he's a friend of mine. He's the only reason I go into that place - certainly not for the food.
Reggie
Don't say the name. Please don't say the name.
Reggie Kostas
Don't you have an ounce of romance in your soul?!
What makes you think he even has a soul?!
Oh please, romance is like the cheese in a mousetrap; it's what baits you into position so the metal bar of reality can come snapping down on your neck!
Reggie Kostas
You're just upset because you were unlucky in love.
I was not unlucky in love, I was unlucky in court.
[Becker and Reggie are stuck on a flight to Buffalo, pretending to be married and Becker is being stalked by an amorous flight attendent]
Reggie
Hey, get your claws off my husband, AND GET ME MY DAMN NUTS!
What's the matter with you people? I didn't kill that guy.
[coming out of phone booth] Hey, Becker, you know that guy you killed? I just got his job.
I didn't kill anybody, Bob! What'd you just say?
But Alexei just died this morning. How could you even know about the job?
Linda helped you? My Linda?
If, by "help", you mean left your office as soon as she heard the old super croaked, ran to your building, gave them my resume--which, by the way, she wrote--acted as a reference, and wouldn't leave until they agreed to hire me, then, yeah, she helped!
But you don't know anything about being a super!
What's to know? Jake can do it, for crying out loud!
Not to mention it's the deal of a lifetime--good salary, free apartment, and I get to sit on my ass all day and pretend I don't speak English. It's what I was born to do!
Don't worry. Whatever you need, day or night, my door is always open, and thanks to my new passkey, so is yours.
Reggie
Jake, do you realize what this means?
Yeah, Bob has someplace else to go.
Reggie
Hey, this could be great for business! I could make a working man's special!
Why don't you make a John Becker special?
Reggie
Oh, I would, except for who'd buy a sandwich made of crap, bologna and bullsh--
[After Reggie reveals her plan to have lunch with Sarah's husband]
Reg, you know that after eating, you'll want to stretch your legs, which leads to taking a walk, which leads to your apartment, which leads to sex!
RKRegina "Reggie" Kostas
Fine, maybe I'll just meet him for dessert.
Bad idea; you'll eat too much, which leads to feeling fat, which leads to changing clothes, which leads to sex!
Reggie "Reggie" Kostas
Coffee?
Coffee! Coffee breath, mints, drug store, aisle 12, sex!
RKRegina "Reggie" Kostas
Can we meet for water?
WATER!? Why don't you just do it in the street!?
Becker · 252 quotes
