Jake Malinak quotes from Becker

Jake

Kiss my ass!

Becker

Certainly not the most romantic invitation I've ever gotten. Oddly enough, not the least either.

I'm just relieved to know Becker has a father: I was always under the impression he was raised by wolves.

Jake Malinak

Yeah, really pissy wolves!

Becker

Oh please! She's no doctor! She's no writer, hell, she's not even a real blonde!

Come on, Becker! How could you know anything about her!?

Becker

She's my ex-wife!

GET OUT OF HERE! She's your ex-wife? Jake, you gotta see this!

Jake Malinak

Blind!

Jake Malinak

Just caught a whiff of something strange from outside. Like a combination of exhaust fumes, hair tonic and really cheap cologne!

Hello, wage slaves! Bob's back!

Jake Malinak

That explains it!

Long time no see! Kinda your life story, eh?

Jake Malinak

Times like this, I don't mind!

OH, GIVE ME A BREAK!

Jake Malinak

Oh God! Thanks a lot, John!

Dr. John Becker

[chuckling] Couldn't resist!

What is it with guys and tearing clothes off!? Don't you ever dream of unbuttoning clothes and neatly folding them over a chair?

Jake Malinak

Look Reg, I'm really sorry. It was just a dream!

Ah, no big deal. But do me a favour: next time you have a dream about us, can it be somewhere exotic? Even in your dreams, I can't get out of this lousy diner!

Dr. John Becker

What's with the toothpick? What are you, Neil Armstrong, claiming this burger in the name of all mankind?

It's a garnish! Sue me, I'm trying to give the place a lift!

Dr. John Becker

Well if that's what you're after, why don't you try scraping the grime off the walls and emptying the dead bugs out of the light fixtures?

Jake Malinak

I dunno, John, it kinda dresses things up! I like it!

Dr. John Becker

Like it? You can't even see it! You didn't think of that, did you Reggie!? I mean, Jake here could put his eye out with one of these things, or I could puncture the roof of my mouth!

This puncture, would it shut you up for a couple of days!?

Jake Malinak

So you knew John as a kid?

Let me ask you a question-

Exactly the same. He just bitched in a higher voice!

[to Becker] Would a lucky day destroy your view of life as a bleak and punishing hell?

Jake Malinak

Ah, took you a while Reg, but you finally figured him out!

Becker

You gotta accept it, Jake; as soon as you get involved with a woman, it's only a matter of time before you're the next contestant on "Guess Why I'm Mad".

Jake

Yeah, that's on right before "All I Do For You And This Is The Thanks I Get".

Mr. Tetzloff, in your column, you also say that Dr. Becker insulted a black man...

Tetzloff

That's correct.

A blind man -

Dr. John Becker

Hey! Hey, wait a minute. It's the same guy. You can't count him twice.

Jake Malinak

[listening with Reggie and Bob] Remind me, Reg. Why do I like him?

Reggie

Come on, Becker. Just say the name of the diner. Just say the name.

Dr. John Becker

And besides, he's a friend of mine. He's the only reason I go into that place - certainly not for the food.

Reggie

Don't say the name. Please don't say the name.

Tetzloff

The whole point of my article was to show that racism is alive in this city and, Dr. Becker, you're its living proof!

Dr. John Becker

I am not! I have strong opinions. Yeah, I admit that. I have likes, I have dislikes, but none of them are racially motivated! Everything I say is motivated purely by stupidity!

Linda

[listening with Margaret] Did he mean to say that?

Jake Malinak

Good one, John.

Dr. John Becker

You know what I meant.

Tetzloff

I certainly know what you meant when you maligned rap music, clearly an expression of African American culture!

Dr. John Becker

I did not! I said I didn't like loud music. You know, all right. I don't like rap music. Is that okay with you? I don't like polka music either, but I like Polish sausage. I hate Chinese checkers, but I love French fries. I hate Belgian waffles, love German Shepherds. Can't stand English muffins! Here's a real puzzler: hate Danish cheese, love cheese danish!

Dr. John Becker

The knuckle-dragging boobs of this country have allowed themselves to be led to slaughter by the hideous forces of evil!

Jake Malinak

Come on, John! You promised me, you promised me you'd stop watching Oprah!

Dr John Becker

It's not Oprah, not this time- but I got my eye on her! You know that burned out building down the block?

Jake Malinak

Er, this is the Bronx, John. You're gonna have to be a bit more specific!

Dr. John Becker

Jake, you watch the news last night?

Jake Malinak

How many times do I have to tell you...

Dr. John Becker

Rhetorical question, stay with me, will you? So they're doing a story about violence in America, and they're interviewing some bloated senator from one of our great trailer park states. Now, does Senator Gomer advocate making guns more difficult to get? No, he blames television. What about all the violence that happened before television? I suppose the Spanish Inquisition came off a bad episode of Gilligan's Island. Oh great, now I'm out of cigarettes, the perfect cherry on this crap sundae of a morning.

Jake Malinak

Why don't you just quit, John? They're taking years off your life

Dr. John Becker

Yeah, but those are the crusty old fart years where you walk around bitching at the world.

Jake Malinak

As opposed to this whole high-on-life Gandhi thing you've got going on now?

[to Amanda about the diner] Not quite our condo on South Beach.

Jake Malinak

Not quite a condo on Omaha Beach!

Jake Malinak

[shaking hands with Amanda] Ooh, you sound tall.

You smell friendly. Why're we talking like this?

Jake Malinak

I'm blind.

And yet you're still staring at my breasts!

Jake Malinak

Sorry, creature of habit.