Patient quotes from Becker

Margaret

Mrs. Cooper called at 11:00 last night. She didn't want to alarm us, but she wasn't sure she would make it through the night. 7:00 this morning, Mrs. Cooper called again. Apparently, she made it. 8:15, Mrs. Cooper called...

Dr. John Becker

She's here, isn't she?

Margaret

Room two.

Dr. John Becker

All right, give me the TV Guide. Let's see what we're dealing with.

Margaret

Already checked. There were two movies of the week last night. Lindsey Wagner had kidney failure and Patty Duke was going deaf. Usual bet?

Dr. John Becker

Fine. I'll take deafness, you've got renal shutdown. [Enters exam room] Mrs. Cooper, how are we doing today?

Patient

Excuse me, doctor. Could you speak up?

Dr. John Becker

(yells out to Margaret) Patty Duke!

Margaret

Damn!

Linda

(whispering) Dr. Becker, do you need any help?

Dr. John Becker

(whispers) No.

Linda

(still whispering) Are you sure?

Dr. John Becker

(whispers) Yes.

Patient

Oh, no. I am going deaf! I can hardly hear either one of you!

Dr. John Becker

That's because we were whispering.

Patient

What don't you want me to know?

Patient

While I'm here, there was something on the news last night about five warning signs. I definitely have three of them: fatigue, sore joints, and disorientation.

Dr. John Becker

Hold on. Five warning signs for what?

Patient

I don't know. I walked into the room after the program started. I just have this feeling that something's terribly wrong with me.

Dr. John Becker

Well, no argument here.

Dr. John Becker

So, where's the problem?

Patient

See this thing on the back of my neck? It's like this all over. Between my breasts, my thighs. Do you want me take my clothes off?

Dr. John Becker

Hold it, hold it. We'll just work our way down. No, I mean, take our time. Take this-- no.

Patient

See, I've got to keep my skin perfect. I'm a dancer.

Dr. John Becker

Ah! Broadway?

Patient

No. Lap.

Dr. John Becker

So, how are you feeling?

Patient

Good. But that's the problem. I read this article about people who can't feel pain, and I've been feeling fine lately. So, that got me thinking: what if I'm one of those people? I mean, I could be in excruciating pain right now and not even know it.

Dr. John Becker

Walter, that condition's called hyposensitivity, and I seriously doubt if you have it.

Patient

Well, I'd like to know for sure. Isn't there some kind of test you can run?

Dr. John Becker

(hits him with a reflex hammer, to which he yells in pain)

Patient

What if I do get that disease? How will I know?

Dr. John Becker

All right. Here. (gives him the reflex hammer) Home test kit.

Patient

[guest star Mary Steenburgen, Ted Danson's real-life wife] You arrogant bastard, if I say I know the Roosevelts, I know the Roosevelts.

Dr. John Becker

I pity the poor bastard who's married to her.