Linda quotes from Becker

Linda

Reggie, hi! Gimme a coffee and a muffin, quick: I have to get to the office before Dr Becker! If I'm even half a second late, the bug up his butt grabs the stick up his butt and beats me with it!

Linda

(to Margaret) The important thing is that you were nice to someone. And, lucky you, they died.

Linda

(looking through a phone book) Locksmith, locksmith, lava lamps. Oh, I've been looking for one of those.

Linda

It's like I always say. Well, I don't always say it, but I have said it, so I guess technically that I sometimes say it. Which means I say it pretty often. Which brings up an interesting point: is it "off-in" or "off-ten?"

Linda

(to a patient) Oh, they're sending you up for and MRI. Hope you're not claustrophobic. 'Cause, you know, they slide you into this long, dark tube, and you can't move. It's like, the walls are closing in, and then, there's this horrible, deafening, pounding noise, and you scream, and you scream but nobody can hear you. And then you wonder, 'what if there's a power failure, and I get stuck in here?!' It's like that movie where that guy was buried alive. What was that called? Oh, right! Buried Alive! And then, there's Buried Alive 2! How many movies must these people make before people learn?

Margaret

Linda, I'll finish up here. Why don't you go find something else to do?

Linda

Okay. (to the patient) Hope you make it.

Margaret

Mr. Lyles, relax. An MRI is nothing to be afraid of. (quietly) But you sure won't catch me in one.

Linda

(whispering) Dr. Becker, do you need any help?

Dr. John Becker

(whispers) No.

Linda

(still whispering) Are you sure?

Dr. John Becker

(whispers) Yes.

Patient

Oh, no. I am going deaf! I can hardly hear either one of you!

Dr. John Becker

That's because we were whispering.

Patient

What don't you want me to know?

Hey sweetheart, tell the doctor I'm ready and I'm white.

Linda

Excuse me sir, but the doctor does not discriminate, he takes patients in the order they come in.

Dr. John Becker

There are three exams rooms, that's only A, B and C. What if someone comes in with, oh, I don't know, "M" for "migraine"?

Linda

Headache, "A" for ache.

Dr. John Becker

Pregnancy?

Dr. John Becker

X-ray?

Linda

"C" for see-through.

Linda

Well, I would, but I have to be downtown by 6, and I don't wanna be late for my best friend's wedding 'cause there's a real good chance she could go into labour.

Becker

Well, fine, fine. Margaret, please?

Margaret

Now, I would, but I've got a helpless animal of my own at home, and we are having dinner with his parents tonight.

Becker

Fine. You know, fine. Like I don't have enough two-legged patients to take care of around here! Open up the ark, you know, let in all the animals! Between Mrs. Kramer's cataracts and Mr. Santiago's arthritis, I suppose I could fit in a grooming and the occasional flea dip. [under his breath to Linda as he takes the cat from her] Actually, you know, some of our patients could use a good flea dip.

Tetzloff

The whole point of my article was to show that racism is alive in this city and, Dr. Becker, you're its living proof!

Dr. John Becker

I am not! I have strong opinions. Yeah, I admit that. I have likes, I have dislikes, but none of them are racially motivated! Everything I say is motivated purely by stupidity!

Linda

[listening with Margaret] Did he mean to say that?

Jake Malinak

Good one, John.

Dr. John Becker

You know what I meant.

Tetzloff

I certainly know what you meant when you maligned rap music, clearly an expression of African American culture!

Dr. John Becker

I did not! I said I didn't like loud music. You know, all right. I don't like rap music. Is that okay with you? I don't like polka music either, but I like Polish sausage. I hate Chinese checkers, but I love French fries. I hate Belgian waffles, love German Shepherds. Can't stand English muffins! Here's a real puzzler: hate Danish cheese, love cheese danish!

Linda

Think about it: you could come back rich.

Margaret

If I come back rich, I'm not coming back.

Linda

Okay, here's the thing--

Dr. John Becker

No no no NO MORE THINGS!

Dr. John Becker

Don't tell me you didn't order any bandages.

Linda

I ordered ten thousand. I'm just not sure where they are.

Dr. John Becker

Well, here's a good idea: LOOK!

Dr. John Becker

Linda, will you answer that damn phone?

Linda

Oh, all right. [answers phone] Hello, damn doctor's office!

Dr. John Becker

Linda, help Theresa catch that kid! And find me those damn bandages!

Linda

What about the kid?

Dr. John Becker

First, do what I tell you then do what I told you!