[the lead singer is in a body bag, and a mortician opens it]
Zip him back up. He sucks.
Come on, Butt-head, give him a chance.
They shouldn't give anybody a chance to suck.
T
How come these guys are acting so happy? They're about to get their wiener chopped off.
Uhh, what makes you think they're gonna get their wieners chopped off, Beavis?
I dunno, isn't that what happens when you have an operation?
Boy, I tell ya, Beavis, you're a stupid son of a bitch. And your mother's a whore.
My mom's a slut, she doesn't charge for it, bunghole, and I'm not stupid!
So like, what are some other operations?
Uhh, I think you can have like, uh, your tubes tied.
What does that mean?
I think it's like, you have your tubes tied, and then it means you can just go do it anytime you want.
Wow. I wanna get that operation. Because I wanna do it right now! I always wanna do it.
Uh, I think you have to have, like, a lot of money. And then I think you also need a chick.
Oh, I knew it, see, there's always something, see? There's always some reason why I can't score. Dammit.
Jen Trynin, Happier
Whoa check it out, they got some of that Keeyotepcate up there, up above that guy's hands.
Uhhh...oh yeah, that is Kaotepkate.
Y'know, um...that stuff, y'know, like, tastes really bad, and um, it's expensive. But then it doesn't really work.
Uh, really?
It's supposed to be for diarrhea. So I took it for a whole week, and I never got diarrhea.
Beavis...
Then about four days later, this brick pooped out of my butt.
Cool.
It was pretty cool. It was like, really big...I can show it to you if you want.
You still have it?
Oh yeah, I still have it. It's in my underwear drawer.
Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear any of this.
Why?
U
Boner is pretty cool sometimes.
That's because he has a cool name.
I bet when he was little, his mom used to say "Boner, come to dinner!"
Yeah, yeah! She'd say "Boner! Boner! Time for dinner! We're having beanies and weenies! And tacos, and nachos! And fajitas!"
Then in the morning, she'd turn to Boner's dad, and say "Is Boner up yet?"
Yeah, yeah. "Boner! Boner! Get up, Boner!"
And then, like, when his dad went to PTA meetings, the teachers would say "Your son sure does sing well" and he'd say "That's my Boner."
Yeah. BONER!!!
That's a cool name. You know who has a really stupid name, though? The Edge.
Yeah, yeah! The Edge. What is that?
That's stupid.
V
Look! Look!
Yeah. Vanilla Ice.
You know, um, they're always, like, putting this guy down and you know, making fun of him and saying he sucks and stuff. But you know, um he really does suck. And this is one of those times where everybody's right. You know what I'm saying?
Are you just trying to say that this sucks, Beavis?
Sometimes you have a way with words.
Are you gonna change the channel, Butt-head?
Why bother? All we seem to get on this TV is bad videos
Oh yeah, yeah.
There's like, three things wrong with this video. One, this dude sucks. And, uhh…three, he's trying to rap a love song.
You know, um…if this was a real rap song about love, he'd be saying “We have no love for hoes.”
Yeah. He'd be like, “I don't love you hoes, I'm out the doe” (door)
Violent Femmes, Breakin' Up
Whoa, check it out, Butt-head! There's a chick back there in the window; I think she's naked!
Shut up, Beavis! No she's not!
Oh, OK.
GGGordon Gano
Dark voices are talking to me...
Hey Beavis, that guy says he hears dark voices in his head.
Oh really? I hear voices too, but it's like, usually they're white guys. Sometimes it's, like, you know, a Chinese dude too, that talks to me. And a couple of Mexicans.
Really? What does the Chinese guy say?
He says [high-pitched Chinese accent] "Pull down your pants. Spank your monkey."
And what does the white guy say?
The same thing. But he talks just like me.
[The band is standing by wedding cakes and holding baseball bats]
Yeah, yeah, come on! Here we go! Hit it! Come on, smash it! Smash it! COME ON, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? SMASH IT!
Settle down, Beavis! This is a video. Anytime you see a cake and a baseball bat in the same video, the cake's gonna get his ass kicked.
Yeah, but why's he waiting so long? Come on, come on, BREAK IT! SMASH IT! Where's the cake? Where's that damn cake? Let me see it!
You dumbass.
I don't see what the big deal is about breaking up. I just, like say "Hey baby...get lost. You know, we can like...still do it and stuff but, uh, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave."
Shut up! Here it comes! [Gordon Gano smashes the cakes with a baseball bat] YEAH!
Yes! See? Told you, buttmunch!
Violent Femmes, Nightmares
GGGordon Gano
Everytime I try to sleep, I have nightmares...
Hey Butt-head, I had this nightmare last night, that like, everything sucked. It was really scary.
But Beavis, Everything DOES suck. [Dramatic shock sound effect plays]
AH!
Take it easy, Beavis. It really sucks when you do that. [Sound effect plays again]
AH! NO!
Cut it out, Beavis! You know what, I bet these guys went to college and stuff.
Yeah, yeah. I bet they like, paid attention too.
Yeah, and you know one thing about college, Beavis?
Yeah, it sucks. [Sound effect plays again] AH! AAAAAHHHHH!
That was cool.
No it wasn't.
Hey Beavis, you know what sucks? [Sound effect plays again]
AH! NO!
Shut up, Beavis! I haven't even told you yet.
Oh yeah.
Everytime you do that, it sucks! [Sound effect plays again]
AAAAAAAHHH! NO!
W
Check it out, Butt-head! It's the Noid.
Cool! The Noid is cool.
Avoid the Noid! Avoid the Noid! I like to say that. Avoid the Noid!
Uh ... wait a minute, that's not the Noid. That's Satan.
[Tom starts his signature wailing]
Check it out, Beavis!
Yeah. It's like, this guy's a pretty good singer.
Yeah. It's like, he can't write songs but he sure can sing.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Beavis and Butt-Head pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.