Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, did you see that guy, he had like, mirrors all over himself?

Butt-head

Yeah.

Beavis

That'd be cool if you had mirrors all over your clothes like that, and then like, you could use them to see your own taint. That would be cool.

Butt-head

I don't wanna see my taint. That's stupid.

Beavis

See, I'm always thinking.

Beavis

Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, it's Velvet Jones!

Butt-head

Oh yeah. He's cool. [imitates Eddie Murphy] Hi! I'm Velvet Jones.

Beavis

Yeah , yeah. [also impersonating Eddie Murphy] Hah! Ah'm Vevvet Jones! Dis is mah book, "How to Be a Ho"! [normal voice] Yeah, it's about time someone put him in a video!

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, how come Tom Petty is famous?

Butt-head

Because he's on TV, dumbass.

Beavis

Yeah, but how did he get on TV?

Butt-head

Because he's famous.

Beavis

Yeah, but, I mean, like, how did he get famous?

Butt-head

He got famous because he's on TV.

Beavis

YEAH, YEAH, BUT HOW DID HE GET ON TV?!

Butt-head

Because he's famous, Beavis! Now shut up before I smack the bejesus out of you!

Butt-head

Whoa! They're, like, diving into the fishtank! That's cool!

Beavis

Diving into the what?

Butt-head

The fishtank, Beavis!

Beavis

Oh. I thought those things were, like, just really fancy clear toilets. I usually take a leak in those things.

Butt-head

Beavis, you think everything's a toilet.

Beavis

Well, there's fish in there, right? They go to the bathroom in there, right?

Butt-head

Yeah.

Beavis

So it's a toilet. See?

Butt-head

Yeah. They drink their own wee-wee.

Beavis

Fish are stupid.

Butt-head

They're like "Uhh, I guess I'll take a dump and then swim around in it."

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, check this out. Do you like sea food?

Butt-head

Uh, yeah. [Beavis opens his mouth wide] Beavis, that joke only works if you have food in your mouth. Dumbass.

Beavis

Well, use your imagination, dillhole.

Butt-head

Oh no, is this Yanni? [pause] Uhh...oh, this is Pink Floyd.

Beavis

Are they from England?

Butt-head

Yep. Just another gang of wussies from England.

Beavis

You know, I'd really like to go to England. You wanna know why, Butt-head?

Butt-head

Uhh, okay.

Beavis

Because, um, I just think, like you know, since everybody's a wussy over there, you know, I could just go around and kick everybody's ass, and then I could probably get some chicks because I'd be the only guy who's not a wussy. Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

Butt-head

Uhh, I think you'd probably be even be a wussy, like you know, to them.

Beavis

No way, Butt-head, I could kick some ass. They'd be like [sings] "The grass was greener..." and then I'd come up and kick 'em in the nads - "Wha-ha!" - and then I would score.

Butt-head

Yeah, but I think their nads are so small in England that, like, it'd be pretty easy to miss.

Beavis

Well, okay, so I'd kick 'em in somewhere else. Just...just shut up, you always mess up my...my dreams! Butthole!

Butt-head

Settle down, Beavis.

Beavis

You know, if you didn't know anything about these guys, and just heard the name "Pink Floyd", and then you heard this crap, you know, you'd probably think that it was just like, total wuss music.

Butt-head

Uhh, it is wuss music, Beavis.

Beavis

What language is this?

Butt-head

Uh...I think it's like...French.

Beavis

Really?

Butt-head

Or Mexican, or something.

Beavis

I can sing in French; check this out. [Beavis sings in a fake Japanese accent; the only coherent words are "taco supremo]

Butt-head

That was pretty good, Beavis! You sound just like those dudes.

Beavis

Whoa! Check it out, Butt-head! That's that guy from My Three Sons! That's Ernie from My Three Sons! See? Back in the doorway? That's him!

Butt-head

Oh yeah! That is him. Check this out. [Imitates Ernie] Hey Uncle Charley. Seems like a lot of work to me.

Beavis

[Also imitating Ernie] Hey Uncle Charley. I think I'll go put on a stupid dork outfit and go dance like a wuss for a while.

Butt-head

[Continuously imitating Ernie] Hey Uncle Charley. I think me and Chip are gonna dance around like a bunch of dorks.

Beavis

And then, like, Uncle Charley's like [Imitates Uncle Charley] Dammit Ernie, I'm trying to make a cake here! Will you get out of the kitchen and quit acting like a dork?!

Butt-head

[laughs] Yeah.

Beavis

Yeah. My three son-of-a-bitches.

Butt-head

Look at his nose! I bet this guy could pick his nose with his big toe!

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! That's cool! I do that sometimes!

Butt-head

Oh yeah? That's pretty cool.

Butt-head

Hey Beavis.

Beavis

What?

Butt-head

If you eat your own boogers, does that make you, like, one of those "cannibists"?

Beavis

Yeah, it makes you one of those, one of those uh, uh, "cannilbulsists"!

Butt-head

How come boogers don't, like, stink?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's like, they look ugly, so it's like you think they would stink.

Butt-head

Yeah. Actually, I think they look pretty cool!

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, me too!

Butt-head

This is so horrible, I can't even begin to talk about how much this sucks.

Beavis

Yeah yeah, really. Look at these buttknockers!

Butt-head

Remember back when they used to play videos by these guys all the time?

Beavis

Yeah, that really sucked.

Butt-head

Yeah. It's a good thing they're gone.

Beavis

Yeah, really.

Beavis

Wait a minute. That dude right there, I think he's that dude who drives the snack truck now.

Butt-head

Oh yeah. That's right, he's got a mustache now, and he's just got long hair in the back.