Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

This is where it starts to get really stupid. [imitates the singer] Bow to me, faithfully...

Beavis

Bow to me...uh...

Butt-head

Bow to me faithfully.

Beavis

Bow to me faithfully...

[in unison] Bow to me faithfully.

Butt-head

Bow to me splendidly...

Beavis

Bow to me splendidly? What does that mean?

Beavis

Whoa, check it out! It's Jon Stewart.

Butt-head

Yeah. He's horny.

Beavis

Yeah. It's like, he's the horniest talk show dude on TV.

Butt-head

Yeah, but it's like, he shouldn't try to be in a band like this.

Beavis

Yeah, I mean this is okay, you know, it's nothing special though. He should just do his TV show.

Butt-head

Yeah, but you know what he should do? He should get rid of all that other stuff on his show, and just have the whole show be like, him trying to pick up a chick.

Beavis

Yeah, like he would bring out a chick with big hooters, maybe like this one right here, and he just sits there and tries to score. That would be cool.

Butt-head

Yeah. That would rule!

I like to see a little more fat.

Beavis

Yeah, I'd like to see a little more fat too! That's the best part. It's like, whenever I'm eating some meat, I'd just eat all the fat and leave the rest.

Butt-head

Yeah. I like to make a fat sandwich sometimes.

Beavis

Yeah! A little mayonnaise, a little salt...it rules!

Butt-head

Cool. Look what she's doing.

Beavis

I do that sometimes, too. It helps me fall asleep.

Butt-head

You mean 'cause it like, tires you out or something?

Beavis

No. Not really, no. It's like, I just spin around until I get really dizzy, then I like, fall down and bang my head on something, and then I just go to sleep. Works every time.

Butt-head

You're pretty cool sometimes, Beavis.

Butt-head

Watch it, Beavis! I know this sucks, but that doesn't mean you have to spit all over me.

Beavis

You're lucky I didn't barf all over you.

Butt-head

He's trying to hump a rock.

Beavis

Yeah, that would be cool if he like, pulled it down, and it crushed him. Yeah, yeah!

Butt-head

Whoa! Did you see that? He had a band-aid on one of his boobs.

Beavis

Really? Why?

Butt-head

Maybe he's like, trying to shave the hair off of his chest, and--

Beavis

OW! Don't say stuff like that, Butt-head.

Butt-head

Why not, Beavis? It's like he shaved his nipple off.

Beavis

OW! OW! Stop it!

Butt-head

This is really beginning to piss me off, Beavis.

Beavis

Yeah, really!

Butt-head

Get off the ground and stop whining, you wuss!

Beavis

Get up! Get up, stand up straight, and quit acting like a wuss! Quit whining, go out and get a job and some good clothes!

Butt-head

You tell him, Beavis!

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, yeah! And another thing, stay away from those rocks!

Beavis

Is this a diaper commercial?

Butt-head

Uh...no, this is a douche commercial.

Beavis

Oh yeah. That's funny, douche. [Cackles] What is a douche, anyway? Like, how does it work?

Butt-head

Uh...I don't know. I think chicks get it when they have that like, not so fresh feeling.

Beavis

Oh yeah. I think it helps them go horseback riding, and like, go down to the beach and stuff like that.

Butt-head

Yeah. I wonder how come they don't have a douche for guys.

Beavis

Yeah. That would rule. Sometimes you know, I feel like, not so fresh...you know.

Butt-head

Well, maybe if you'd wash your butt once in a while...and I'm not talking about washing your whole butt, I'm talking about washing your butthole.

And for that, you suck...

Beavis

Um...they just said you suck.

Butt-head

No they didn't, they said you suck. They ripped off my idea for a song.

Beavis

Yeah, and you already ripped off the idea from me, bunghole.

Butt-head

Beavis, do you remember what I told you about trying to be funny?

Beavis

...that I shouldn't?

Butt-head

That's right, now sit there and shut up, nutsack.

Beavis

Wait wait wait, I think I can see something. I THINK I CAN SEE THE SIDE OF HER BOOB!

Butt-head

I think that's just a koala bear.

Beavis

Oh yeah. Sorry. You know something? I wish these girls were naked, and um, I wish they were right here without any clothes on, and I wish I was grabbing their butt, and that's about it.

Butt-head

Uh...okay then.

Butt-head

Uhh, something's wrong. It's like, it doesn't look like this guy would have this kind of voice.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, it's like, it doesn't look like that kind of voice would come out of that guy, you know what I'm saying?

Butt-head

Yeah. It looks like it might come out of his butt.

Beavis

Actually, I was thinking like, it looks like this kind of voice, like, would come out of Godzilla, or maybe it'd come out of Godzilla's butt.

Butt-head

If it did come out of Godzilla's butt, that would be a good video.

Beavis

Whoa look, check it out Butt-head, it's a dead horse!

Butt-head

Yeah. Remember that time we found that dead horse?

Beavis

Oh yeah. We like ran and jumped on his stomach, and then like, all that gunk shot out of his butt.

Butt-head

Yeah. That was cool.

Beavis

Oh yeah. That was sad. Imagine if Godzilla was dead, imagine all the stuff that would fly out of his butt.

I feel like such an ass.

Butt-head

Yeah. I feel like an ass too. Beavis, go out and get me an ass, please.

Beavis

Okay. Would you like some boobs to go with that ass too?

Beavis

AAH! What was that? What's going on?!

Butt-head

You wuss! That's just a chick screaming.

Beavis

They should warn you if they're gonna do that crap, dammit.