Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

Cool, a cartoon.

Butt-head

Those aren't cartoons, dumbass. That's just clay.

Beavis

So? Clay can be cartoons.

Butt-head

No it can't. Cartoons are, like, drawings, or something. Clay is, like, a thing.

Beavis

So? Drawings are things.

Butt-head

Dammit Beavis, you're never gonna out...be...be smarter than me. So don't even try. Just shut up.

Beavis

I think I know what this is. I think this is, um, Davey and Goliath.

Butt-head

Oh yeah. That's that show that's on Sunday mornings when there's nothing on but church.

Beavis

You know one thing about that show, you know that Goliath is, um, he's supposed to be a dog, but I've never seen him lick his nads. Have you ever noticed that?

Butt-head

I saw him do it once real fast. He was probably like [imitating Goliath] "Uhh, Davey, you should try this."

Beavis

Yeah, and then Davey said "Maybe I should pet you first." And you know, also, you know, I've never seen him poop either.

Butt-head

I thought I saw him poop once, but I think it was just, like, a piece of clay that fell off his butt.

Beavis

Whoa! This looks like it might rock.

Butt-head

Yeah, maybe.

Beavis

Yeah. I mean, I dunno, maybe it's alright. I guess it sounds kinda cool.

Butt-head

You know what might make it different is like, you know, if you were really dizzy when you were watching this.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, if you were all like dizzy in the head and you were watching this!

Butt-head

Yeah. Want me to strike you?

Beavis

No, I know how to make myself dizzy, check it out. I learned this one time, check this out. [Beavis puts his thumb in his mouth and blows very hard, eventually hyperventilating. He then goes into a trance.] I think there's a problem with this video, as it is highly derivative of many popular bands within the genre, although when viewed on its own merit, it does have a decent groove.

Butt-head

Uh, Beavis?

Beavis

However, what it has in groove, it lacks in originality.

Butt-head

What's your problem?

Beavis

One can't help but be reminded of such bands as Pearl Jam, White Zombie, Suicidal Tendencies, and other bands that bear the mantle of so-called alternative rock.

Butt-head

You're talking like a dork, Beavis!

Beavis

One is even reminded of Laurie Anderson when she wore curlers. This video speaks less to the heart, and more to the sphincter.

Butt-head

Beavis!

Beavis

In closing, I think Korn would do well to learn more from...[Butt-head hits him several times]...AAAAAHHH!!! OW!!! Whoa, what happened?

Butt-head

You got all dizzy and then you started talking like a dumbass.

Beavis

Whoa, really? Wow.

Butt-head

But then you did say spinxter.

Butt-head

Yes!

Beavis

Yeah! Yeah, bee-yotch!

Butt-head

Shut up, Beavis! [Slaps Beavis]

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, check it out. That chick on the drums, that's that chick that's at games holding up that sign.

Butt-head

Oh yeah. It's like it says John on it, then it has his phone number.

Beavis

Oh yeah. We should call him up and say "Hey man, know where any parties are at?"

Butt-head

Yeah, and then hang up on him. That would be cool.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. That'd teach him a lesson.

Beavis

Ooh, baby.

Butt-head

Ooh. [Beavis and Butt-head dance] Lenny rules.

Beavis

Yeah, Lemmy does rule. Um, what does Motörhead have to do with what's going on here?

Butt-head

No, butthole, I didn't say Lemmy, I said Lemmy.

Beavis

I think you said Lemmy, Butt-head.

Butt-head

You monkeyspank. [Smacks Beavis again]

Butt-head

Whoa, check out that chick!

Beavis

Yeah! She like, came out of the trunk!

Butt-head

She must be like, the spare.

Beavis

Yeah. That would be cool if like, I always had a spare chick in my trunk.

Butt-head

Uh, you don't have a trunk, buttmunch. You ride a bike.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head! I'm gonna get a trunk and I'm gonna like, put a spare chick in it.

Butt-head

Right, Beavis.

Butt-head

Hey Beavis, you see that arrow? Did you know that that symbolizes the wiener?

Beavis

Um... what wiener? Where?

Butt-head

It stands for wieners everywhere.

Beavis

Um... yeah. Good.

But people are still having sex, and nothing seems to stop them.

Butt-head

Uh... people are still having sex?

Beavis

Yeah, what people? Where?! I want names!

Butt-head

Settle down, Beavis!

Beavis

Well, he said people are still having sex, and it's like, I'm not having sex!

Butt-head

So? If you kept your mouth shut, maybe he'd tell you!

Beavis

Well, okay.

Do you understand me?

Beavis

Yeah, I understand you, but where?!

Lust keeps on lurking...

Beavis

Dammit, come on! Who? Where?

Butt-head

Beavis, just listen this time! Shut up!

This AIDS thing's not working...

Beavis

Um...

People are still having sex!

Beavis

Yeah, okay...

People are still having sex!

Beavis

Dammit, there he goes again!

Butt-head

Beavis, shut up!

Butt-head

Whoa! That thing's getting it on with a doughnut!

Beavis

Yeah! uh...a doughnut sounds pretty good right now. I think I'm gonna go get a doughnut. You want anything? [Gets up and leaves]

Butt-head

Yea, bring me back a couple!

Butt-head

Uh...get ready for a surprise! You think it's a girl, [camera scrolls up to dancer's face] but it's a guy!

Beavis

Oh yeah! You think it's gonna be a girl, but it's a guy, see! So it's like, confusing...it's like strange, you know.

Butt-head

[laughs] Yeah.

Beavis

AAH! What's her problem?!

Butt-head

This is stupid.

Beavis

Um...this kind of sounds like that um...[sings]"From a Distance".

Butt-head

Oh yeah.

Beavis

Who did that song?

Butt-head

Uh...that's Butt Midler.

Beavis

That looks like that...that mouse chick...that Minnie, Minnie Mouse, you know?

Butt-head

Oh yeah. It's like, have you ever heard that joke? Why did Mickey divorce Minnie?

Beavis

Um...uh...I don't know.

Butt-head

Check it out, this is funny. Because she was doing Goofy! [laughs]